Bennett and Ellie Grace

Happy 5th birthday to our little miracles

2011-12-15T12:36:00.001-06:00

I honestly can not believe this day is here already.

FIVE years ago (yesterday) I gave birth to two of the most amazing miracles ever created.

I did not prepare myself well enough for this day to come…or maybe, the truth is, no mom really can. Five is a huge milestone and to me it’s been one that arrived too soon!

December 14th is always a struggle for me. I am so thrilled to see Ellie grow and each year her excitement for her birthday grows. But, on the inside I grieve for Bennett. I always wonder more on this day than any other…what would he look like, would he be as rambunctious as Cullen or as sweet and calm as he was as a baby. What would his favorite color be and what food would he request on his special day.

I know all of those things about Ellie. I knew what color outfit she would love. I knew where she would want to go for dinner. I knew the smile that would creep up on her face when she saw the birthday donuts that Freddy the Elf brought her.

Half of my heart is full on this day and the other half is full of wonder.

As soon as my feet touched the ground we were busy. Busy prepping the birthday girls breakfast and wrapping a gift (nothing like last minute). Tears found their way to my eyes for the brief minute that I sat alone in the kitchen. Only one plate…when there should be two. Only one chocolate milk and one chair for one birthday girl…when there should be two. I doubt this day will ever be an easy one for us.

After a morning of celebrating for our little girl that is so full of life we were off to celebrate the little boy that lived such a short life.

Balloons, flowers and a grave site are what came next. Every parents nightmare.

Now that we moved clear across the city we are over an hour away from the cemetery. I HATE this about where we live. I have actually asked Brandon to look into having Bennett moved closer to us because I have always (and I fear always will) feel close to him when we are at the cemetery. I know people always say, “that’s just his body…his spirit is in Heaven” and I totally get that! But, I know that when I am at the cemetery I am only a few feet away from the little boy’s body I carried for seven months, held as often as I could in my arms for six months and that I love more than life itself.

Daddy did a great job with the flowers and my heart felt a little better when we raced out of there on our way to Texas Children’s for the kiddos CF clinic.

CF clinic is not exactly what Ellie had in mind when she pictured her perfect birthday. And the throat swab to get a sputum sample was definitely NOT what she signed up for! She hates that part of clinic and I am so proud that we didn’t have to call in reinforcements to hold her down in order to collect the sample. A little bribery worked like a charm! Clinic was pretty normal minus the alarming news that Cullen cultured pseudomonas AGAIN.

A number of short, un-lady like words flew through my brain when we got that news.

I love TOBI for the wonderful drug that it is, but I D.R.E.A.D administering it to Cullen twice a day for the next 28 days. I fear we will be making TOBI a regular part of our neb treatment for poor Cullen which is a total bummer.

We were done with clinic at 4 and off to eat an early dinner with Mimi. The birthday girl chose mexican food, so Pappasito’s was the destination! It was the best ending to a milestone day in our baby girls world.

Blessings,

Angie

Thankful…

2011-11-19T14:43:00.001-06:00

WOW. Where does the time go? This post has been a long time coming and it feels like the right time to start blogging again so my kiddos actually have proof of their childhood!

With Thanksgiving 2011 quickly approaching, I feel like I will start with all (or at least some of) the things I am thankful for right now.

I am thankful for my (almost) 5 year old princess and my 1 1/2 year old terror! I am so blessed to be the mommy to such amazing kiddos.

I am super thankful for our new home! I LOVE everything about this house, neighborhood, and surrounding area. It really was a huge blessing to our family to take such a risk!

I am thankful that we live so close to my parents now! I love spending time with my mom and now I only have to drive 15 minutes to do it!

I am thankful that we have turned this house into a home. I have worked countless hours to get this house decorated and “homey” feeling and I think we are almost there!

I am thankful that Ellie is spelling and reading!!! Now, she isn’t going to whip out her own blog post or read a chapter in Little Women, but she can spell most simple vowel pattern words you give her and she can read them as well! So proud of her and how hard she works every day we are in school!!!

On that note, I am thankful to be a mommy that has had so much success this first “real” year at homeschooling! I truly love it because it is all my favorite parts of being a teacher without all of the junk!

I am thankful that Cullen is already potty training. I’m not sure it’s entirely normal for a 17 month old to WANT to use the potty, but he does and he actually goes, so we are going to roll with it!

I’m thankful for cold days even though they are few and far between. Hey, mother nature: I would love to wear my UGGS on a daily basis!

I am thankful for weight watchers. I have lost 23 pounds in the last 9 weeks and I really feel so much better about myself. I am not one of those people that has self control when it comes to food, so WW is the perfect program for me because it holds me accountable each week for the food I eat on a daily basis.

I am thankful that Blakely drives home from college to watch our kiddos when we want to go out! I don’t think I am ready to trust a total stranger with my kids and it is such a blessing that Blake loves them enough to come back when we need her to.

I am thankful that the holidays are here! I love this time of year and I am ready to get our home turned into a whimsical winter wonderland!

I am thankful for my hubby!!! He works so very hard for our family and we are so grateful for that!

I am thankful for free time which is few and far between! Today the boys are running errands together and I blessed myself with the time to write this blog! Hopefully, this is the beginning of something good and I will continue to have a few minutes each week to record our family’s memories!

Blessings,

Angie

SOLD and homeless

2011-07-27T10:38:00.002-05:00

Why has it been almost two months since my last post???

We sold our house...
Had 13 days to move out...
We found a new house with 4 days to spare...
Moved into a sweet friends house for 10 days while they were on vacation...
Left there and moved into my parents house...which is where we can be found today!
We finally closed on our old home yesterday...

And we are now homeless and waiting to close on our new one!

We aren't truly without a roof over our heads though. My parents were generous enough to offer us a place to stay while we are waiting. Its like a vacation for the kiddos. Yummy food and snacks all the time with a pool in the backyard! The adults are totally ready to get back to normal though.

A ton has happened in the meantime...including another CF clinic visit. More on that later.

In the meantime we are praying our extended vaca ends very soon with our little family in our new home.

Blessings,
Angie

Melts and Stretches

2011-06-19T15:19:00.001-05:00

So, I mentioned Cullen’s dairy allergy. In the time since we discovered this I have spent countless hours…okay, more like minutes, browsing the alternatives at the grocery stores.

I found soy yogurt and for a while he was loving it. He has since grown to love it less, but it is still a part of his weekly meal plan.

We also recently tried soy milk. He is still breastfed, but I did want to try to transition him to at least one sippy cup of milk per day. NOT going to happen anytime soon! If he were parched and stranded in the desert he MIGHT drink a cup of soy milk, but not otherwise!

So, onto my most recent discovery…hence the title.

Cheese.

Grated “cheese” to be exact.

Written on the front of the zip top bag: Melts and stretches.

Really??? Ugh! Somehow, I don’t think that would taste anything like “real” cheese and I’m not going to be testing it out anytime soon!

So, folks, our dairy allergy having son WILL NOT be a cheese eater, unless:

1. He outgrows this as he gets older

2. He begs me to buy him a bag of “cheese” that reads: melts and stretches on the front!!

And this is what Cullen has to say about that:

Ellie’s first ballet recital

2011-06-17T08:36:00.000-05:00

Our precious prima ballerina had her first ballet recital at the Cullen theatre (really!) in Houston at The Worthem Center.

It was…like something I have never experienced!

Those moms are serious about their dance!!! And to say I was a little unprepared for the “seriousness” is a gross understatement!

I’m not going to get into the gory details, but I will say that I had to put together a ballet recital notebook just to feel like I was as “up to par” as the other mommy’s in the class!

I signed up to be a room mom basically, because I felt like I needed to keep a close eye on Ellie and what germs she was exposed to. Cullen was still being treated with TOBI and I didn’t want Ellie to accidently be paired up with or in a confined space with anyone that sounded like they may be hosting a respiratory infection.

So, when I say this ballet thing is serious, I mean so serious that we had dress rehearsal on Friday until 9pm, we stayed in a hotel and then we had to be back at the theatre on Saturday morning at 10:30.

I thought it was all NUTS, but then when I saw my little girl’s face light up on that big stage (the same one the Houston ballet dances on) I knew it was all worth it.

I had to step back and remind myself that even though I thought it was all a little overkill, it was not about me. Ellie had the time of her life!!!

A condensed version of the fun filled two days:

Hair professionally done on the way to dress rehearsal

Dinner at the aquarium on Friday

Check-in at the hotel

Make-up on and off to DR

Play with friends in the dressing room and wait to step onto the big stage.

Dance on stage at the Cullen theatre

Back to the hotel with one of her BFF’s Gracie

Room service after DR

Woke up on Saturday and got our hair and makeup done with Gracie

Off to The Worthem Center to dance!!

Daddy met us in the Lobby with flowers for our little ballerina!

Ellie had a magical day and I think I am now ready to embrace the ballet world with our little miracle!

I have to write this down because it is a moment I never want to forget. When Ellie was born all of the stereotypical dreams flew out of the window and the only prayer I had was that she would live. When they discharged her after only 6 weeks in the hospital I was grateful because I never expected that to happen. When Ellie began to walk, talk, eat, play, laugh, dream, display affection, show interest in activities, it made my heart swell with gratitude. I have never EXPECTED Ellie to do anything, but for every single milestone that she reaches I am thankful to our God. When Ellie stepped onto that stage and danced in front of hundreds of people I was proud. I cried. A LOT. I think every tear that came out of my eyes was out of thanks…it was the first time I ever watched my little girl do something that I dreamed about her being able to do one day. There were days I didn’t think I would ever be in the position to watch my baby girl dance. That dance was a beautiful moment in our lives.

I am so proud of you Ellie Grace! You were a true ballerina on June 4th and I can’t wait to watch you dance every day for the rest of my life.

With all of my heart forever and ever,

Mommy

He is still gone…

2011-06-15T08:57:00.001-05:00

Today is June 15, 2011.

Today is the day our world stopped turning 4 years ago.

Today is the day we gathered as a family, bathed, prayed, and held our perfect little hero, Bennett, in our arms as he took his last breath.

Today can never come…or go…without anxiety and tears.

The timeline is forever in my mind. The outfit I wore still hangs in my closet. The music that we played in the car…Lamb of God…still plays in my head. The matching outfits that Ellie and Bennett wore that day are still neatly packed together. The grief, four years later, is still as painful as it was that day.

Our son died.

Those three words still shatter my heart into a million pieces.

But, I haven’t spent these last four years feeling pity or constantly asking God, “Why us”?

I have had a lot of moments where I did wonder why…but, I am thankful that one of many blessings that came out of Bennett’s life and death would be my walk with God. (and knowing that I married the absolute right man to go through this life with!)

It is so easy to find yourself clinging to faith when times are tough or in times of need.

Around the time of Bennett’s death, when the “needing God to perform a miracle” was over is actually the time I found myself hearing and feeling Him more.

The tears and grief are just human.

Time passing doesn’t mean we should feel less grief or more healing. The growing and believing that none of this was a mistake is what matters the most to me.

So, today even when tears fall and we might find it hard to breathe, our world won’t stop. The grocery store will happen. Ballet will happen. And placing the casket spray above our little boy’s body will happen. The balloons will go up and we will all go to dinner. And tomorrow this will all be our yesterday…again.

We love you and we miss you, Bennett David, and we can’t wait to hold you again one day.

I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers.

Ephesians 1:16

Blessings,

Angie

Cullen’s First Birthday

2011-06-13T10:06:00.001-05:00

On June 4th our little boy turned ONE YEAR OLD! I truly can’t believe that an entire year has passed since I held that tiny (full term) baby in my arms…and carried him while we were wheeled out of the hospital together.

(One year doctor visit)

Dear Cullen,

Your birth was a dream come true for me. Further proof that God has amazing plans for all of us in His own time…you are proof of His supernatural grace.

(Aquarium visit, June 3rd dinner before dress rehearsal)

Your first year of life has been full of changes and it was a blessing to be here with you every day to see them.

(Trying on last year’s bathing suit…funny!)

Your first smile melted my heart. I remember the day like it was yesterday.

Rolling over, sitting up, crawling and those first steps all brought tears to my eyes.

You started cutting your teeth at 5 months and WOW that was no fun for any of us!

You gained weight so fast in the first 6 months (19 lbs) that we thought you may be a little chunk by 12 months, but you slowed your roll and ended the first year weighing 22.6 lbs.

(The blue birthday cake that daddy picked out)

Some of my favorite moments with you are the quiet times when Ellie is sleeping and Daddy is at work and I can just snuggle you. At a year old you still love mommy to snuggle you!

You have a favorite blanky and I love it when you try to carry it with you around the house…it is a lot bigger than you are!

You love our doggie Bo! You think all dogs are named Bo!!! He lets you pat him, kiss his ears and sometimes (when I’m not looking) you even try to ride him. He’s not such a fan of that!

(The boy and his blanket)

You do not like strangers and you have an awful look that you give to anyone that says “HI” to you. It’s embarrassing, but deep inside I think it is hilarious! You have such a strong attitude!

You do this funny thing where you take off running in the house and you put both of your arms behind you. If we tell you to stop and come back…you run faster…and laugh while you defy us!

(Triumph!!!)

You have been fascinated with balls since you started playing with toys. Ball was one of your first words and you have known how to throw and “catch” since you were about 7 months old. Now you love to kick the ball outside or through the house. I can’t wait to see what you love doing when you get a little older…sports would be my guess.

At one year old you refuse to let us feed you. It’s annoying (for us), but I am so happy that you are learning so much SO FAST! You know how to use a fork and spoon correctly and if we give them to you during a meal you will not use your hands at all.

You are a great eater. Last night, you ate steak, potatoes and corn for dinner! Just like a little man!! You have dropped into the 40% as far as weight in concerned and you are only in the 38% BMI, so gaining a few pounds has become your job. We started giving you the baby food desserts/fruits mixed with cereal and you really like them.

You have been drinking from a sippy cup since you were 5 months old. You have never had water or juice from a bottle. I am so happy that you love your cups so much! We just gave you soy milk last week for the first time and you basically took a sip and that was it! I think if it were an emergency you would take it, but you were definitely not a huge fan.

(T-ball and playing race car)

You love to read books and right now Clifford is your favorite! Your first favorite book was a non-fiction about dolphins and then you changed to a book about trains.

(Our little guy)

Funny story about your birthday weekend: Last year, we (I) decided to have you on Friday, June 4th. Why? Because I was contracting every 3-6 minutes and I was selfish…I wanted to see you! However, this meant that we would be having you the very day of Ellie’s first ballet recital dress rehearsal. We thought this wouldn’t matter and that the grandma’s would still take Ellie to her recital. It didn’t work like that! They wanted to see you, I wanted to see her and so, we scrapped the whole recital. Come to find out…this year the recital was on the same weekend and the SAME day as your birthday. So, my little man, forgive us, but we decided to leave you with Blakely and go to Ellie’s recital on your special day. I know you will never remember, but I still feel a little guilt for doing that! We made up for it with an obnoxious blue cake and I promise a fun party with your “friends” in a few weeks.

(Haircut #4)

Cullen, you are a miracle to us. Your daddy and I love you more than words are even capable of expressing. You bring immeasurable joy to every single person in this family. Your smile and bright, soulful eyes are a daily reminder of the millions of prayers we sent up before being blessed with you.

I am in love with every inch of you, Cullen Spencer Kahl!

I love you with all of my heart forever and ever,

Mommy

Cullen and TOBI

2011-06-03T09:18:00.000-05:00

It wasn’t always this easy folks…but, here is our little guy and his tired parents during one of the many treatments.

Photo credits: Ellie Grace Kahl!!!

Blessings,

Angie

My Mother's Day 2011 and CF news

2011-06-02T20:08:00.000-05:00

My Mother's Day this year wasn't all about the church service I'd been looking forward to for months.

Or the family pictures our church takes every year on this special day.

It wasn't about the fantastic meal (my husband made yummy prime rib), or the matching outfits (that I still made everyone wear for ONE picture), or the pretty flowers.

It wasn't even about the beautiful sapphire ring my princess gifted me with...

My day was simple.
My day was beautiful.
My day was spent at home enjoying the miracles that ARE my children.

We found out a few weeks ago that our sweet little man was diagnosed with pseudomonas. We were told to avoid anyone that might be or has been sick, so church was not an option. Also, as random as this may sound... there are actually two other kiddos at our church with CF, so we would be a danger to them as well. Our last 26 days have included TOBI treatments twice a day at about 25-30 minutes each, bloody noses, a sad sounding raspy cry, diarrhea (which may be unrelated, but it started with TOBI and hasn't stopped since...poor baby).

Psuedomonas is ugly. We have known that eventually one of the three of us would likely culture it, but never did I think it would be my tiny guy! Ellie didn't culture it (as I pat myself on the back for being a mommy that runs a pretty sterile household!) which was great news. So then, the concern became about me. I hadn't been to clinic in...well, let's just say it had been awhile. I was feeling good, I thought, for having two little kids and running around like crazy every.single.day!

Cullen and Ellie's CF doc demanded that I go to clinic and get a culture done to check me for psuedomonas asap. So, I called the next day and I was at clinic the very next day! Can you sense the urgency here...

Weight check...depressing!
Moment my doc saw me...I got scolded!
PFT...AWFUL!

My FEV1 dropped 12%! Which leaves me at 84% (I double checked to make sure I am documenting the correct numbers for future reference) lung function. WOW. I went from 96% to 84% in a matter on months...albeit, several of them spent in a bed, but that is just plain scary!

My doc is awesome. And a super honest genius in the CF community. She said plainly, "If you would do your treatment you wouldn't be in this situation. I'm not going to worry about you, you will get back on track...BY DOING YOUR TREATMENTS"!!!!!

So, I got a new 50 psi compressor (which blows up a kiddie pool in 2.2 seconds) and all news meds...if you add my treatment times to Ellie's and Cullen's we are busy for almost 2 hours twice a day! I couldn't get a good sputum culture, so we did a swab which didn't show psuedomonas, but I am under orders to produce a better "glob" of the good stuff and bring it to the lab.

In all honesty, my CF clinic was a wake up call for me. Get healthy, so that all of the Mother's Day to come can be about the matching outfits and family pictures at church. (Totally kidding, but I have to have humor in the midst of this craziness)

Blessings,
Angie

In two days…

2011-06-02T07:58:00.001-05:00

My precious little miracle man will be ONE!!!

It has been a true blessing to wake up every single day for the last eleven months next to my two babies.

This is a snapshot of Cullen at almost 12 months old:

He is walking!!! Everywhere! I pray daily that he suffers no permanent damage from all of the head banging that occurs from his repeated falls...he is ALL boy!

He climbs on EVERYTHING he can lift his ten inch long leg onto! Diaper boxes, his train, the chair in the office!! It is going to give me heart failure…but, he is so proud of himself that I just laugh.

He is pretty much over all baby food. He eats waffles, any and all fruit, hot dogs, pasta, squash and zucchini, and prety much anything else you put in front of him. He drinks water mixed with prune juice like a big boy from a cup and almost never takes a bottle. He still nurses about four times a day. We are almost sure that he has a milk allergy and the result from giving him dairy is a stinky, vomit mess. Poor guy! We tried soy yogurt and he loves it! Daddy is in the process of getting a non-dairy recipe for his cake this weekend.

At CF clinic last month he weighed 22 pounds. I was expecting him to be bigger, but I think the walking combined with his transition out of baby food has slowed his gaining.

He is in a size 4 diaper and wears 12-18 month clothes. He has three new pairs of big boy shoes in size 5 for his 'Kahl' wide feet!! It is so much cheaper to buy for boys!! He has three pairs of shoes to wear with everything and I think Ellie has a different pair of shoes to wear with everything! There are too many cute choices for girls...not that Cullen’s aren't cute too though.

Our big guy is also talking up a storm! At about ten months he had a vocabulary of nine words. (Momma, Dada, titer for sister, bo, dog, touch, hello, bye, ball, catch, ugh-oh). Now he is putting these words together and saying more! He will look at me and point to the ball and say 'ball' then walk and get it. Or yesterday he was watching Ellie at gym and he said 'mama' pointed at me and then pointed inside the gym...like he was telling me he wanted to go in there. It is so amazing to have the opportunity to watch your child grow like this!! He can moo when you ask him what a cow says and he tries to bark to mimic Bo. He can also identify nose, ear and mouth when you ask him where they are. His new 11 month words: eat, juice, click, Hi

I know I have Ellie to thank for this...and I AM thankful...because Cullen loves books as much as his big sister. He will sit for an entire book, point to the pics and retell it in his very own language. So fun to watch.

We spend a lot of time outside because it has been so nice. Cullen goes to the door and says 'ball, ball' until you finally take him out. He loves to swing and play bubbles, but his favorite thing to do is play ball. He can throw, kick and 'catch' any ball he lays hands on.

He has figured out the cause/effect relationship in a lot of his toys and even during meals. He knows that if he throws an undesirable piece of food from the high chair and yells 'ugh-oh' mommy will throw it away and he is safe from eating it!! Smarty pants!

I feel so fortunate to have the chance to be a mom all over again. With Ellie we were in and out of the hospital every day because of Bennett. I don't feel like we ever had the chance to just sit and enjoy the little things. After Bennett died we woke up daily in survival mode. It wasn't until Ellie was at least a year and a half that we slowed down and felt so e semblance of normalcy. With Cullen I am blessed to enjoy the small things every single day!

It has been an emotional week. Part of me thinks that no matter how many kiddos you have, when the youngest one turns ONE you start to realize that your baby days are over. I have loved every single baby snuggle, cry, stinky diaper, reflux episode, bath, grunt, playtime, feeding, and all the little things I am leaving out.

Being a mother is a gift...a true blessing. And for me it is a dream come true. This last year has to be one of the best years on record!

10 months 11 months

Blessings,

Angie

This is what happened....

2011-04-24T10:15:00.002-05:00

1. We FINALLY put our house on the market!
2. We planned and hosted 2 fundraisers... more on that later.
3. Public speaking events
4. A launch for the NICU family support program at Women's Hospital.
5. 2 radio interviews and a news story about our MOD team.
6. A baby shower.
7. Home school
8. Filling orders for work
9. Soccer season started, and we are prepping for the annual ballet revue.
10. Life!!!!

Oh, and I turned a year OLDER ( today, as a matter of fact)!! My vey cool hubbs bought me a xoom, so I could pick up blogging again even if it is on the go!!

I feel awful that I have missed two months worth of blogging our very eventful lives!!! SO much has happened and changed and it continues to do so even though I wish it would just slow down.

Cullen has had his 8, 9, and 10 month birthdays and he has gone from 2 to 8 teeth in that amount of time. He is now almost officially walking independently and I'm pretty sure he is done eating baby food. Its so sad how this time truly just flies by.

Ellie is 4 going on 14!! My big girl is such an amazing blessing and she makes my heart smile every single time I look at her.

Life is busy, but my heart is full of happiness and that is all that matters.

Happy Easter!!
Angie

I’ve never written about this…

2011-02-11T10:23:00.001-06:00

I’ve never written about one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life and it has been weighing heavy on my heart lately.

It was hard to calculate the twins odds of survival while I was on bed rest with them.

It was hard to see them for the first time b/c they were so tiny and fragile.

It was hard when I had to leave them in the NICU for the first time after I was discharged.

It was hard to leave Ellie at home for the first time to go visit Bennett alone.

It was hard to get that phone call from the doctor…the one telling us to please hurry, so we could say good-bye.

But, nothing was as hard as walking out of that hospital without my son forever.

period.

I remember that day all the time. I remember walking the path to the door as my two feet carried me, but I don’t remember feeling alive.

I remember the sliding door to the hospital door opening and feeling the heat on my face, but I don’t remember breathing in the air.

I remember looking at the valet attendant and shaking my head, but I don’t remember speaking any words.

Part of me went with Bennett that day.

My life doesn’t slow down often enough for me to grieve when I need to. Today is one of those days that I am finding it hard to breath.

I love this picture…true love.

It’s TIME!!!

2011-02-06T22:46:00.001-06:00

I’m late…

what’s new?!?

I’m busy…

again, what’s new!!

It’s that time of year…

you know, the time that we BEG all of our friends (including those of you that read our blog that we may not know personally) and family members to please, please, please help us repay an organization that has done so much for our family. It’s the one time of year that we talk most openly about our sweet hero, Bennett and remember how amazing his fight for life was.

We are ready to form Team Chunky Monkey 2011 and we would be honored to have you be a part of this adventure!

I am working VERY hard to make this another VERY successful year and that isn’t possible without your fundraising and donations. I am super excited that we are adding a fundraising event in March. My parents have graciously offered to host this event and I think it is going to be a HUGE success! More details on that later!!! In addition, we have our annual crawfish boil in April! We have such a fun group of friends and family that join us year after year and I plan on making up for missing last years celebration at this years party!!!

This year has been extra special for me when it comes to my relationship with the March of Dimes. I was honored to be asked to be the spokesperson for the NICU family support program at The Women’s hospital of Texas. I was a guest speaker at the Women’s hospital Labor of Love luncheon where I got to tell our amazing story. It was an emotional day!

Two weeks ago, our family of four headed up to a local TV station to join other MOD supporters in shooting this year’s kickoff video/public service announcement. It was SO MUCH FUN!!!

Last week, I was asked to speak at the Center.point annual March for Babies kickoff. Again, I got to share my story. I love that I am able to speak about our journey and be that real life connection between an organization and the difference it truly makes. The MOD spends millions of dollars on cutting edge research to prevent prematurity every year. Not to mention the money spent on research for pregnant mothers and babies born with birth defects. It is an honor that I am able to use our story to convince others to help give back with us to this amazing organization.

In the last three years our little family team has raised over $10,000. That is FAR more than I ever thought we would raise. We started our team as a family of three honoring a son & brother that we so desperately missed. We have grown into a team with a consistently large group of supporters that walk with us and friends and family that donate to help us make a difference. To be perfectly honest there is no better gift or honor than the support you all have shown our family during this journey.

2008

2009

2010

The walk is May 1st.

The first fundraiser is by invitation and will be held on March 26. (sign up to walk and you can count on an invite!!!)

The crawfish boil is April 9th.

We are planning on having our very OWN team tent at the march this year ~ and we will be serving breakfast!!

Here is the scoop:
1. Donate to Team Chunky Monkey (TCM) and help us reach our team goal. Simply click on the sidebar to donate today or click THIS link. (click “join a team” and you will join Team Chunky Monkey)
2. Donate to Team Chunky Monkey and commit to walk with us on May 1st wearing your cool TCM shirt! Email your size to me at babyhopes1@hotmail.com.
3. Set an individual goal for yourself and have your friends and family sponsor you to walk with us on May 1st…still wearing the cool TCM shirt!

Whatever option you choose the money is donated to the March for Babies under Team Chunky Monkey and it all goes to the same wonderful cause.

How do I raise the money even if I don’t/can’t walk? Well my friends, that is simple. Last year, we had a teacher that made a deal with her principal to let teachers wear jeans for donating a given amount of money. Are you on a rodeo committee or in a family group at church? Will your boss allow you to leave a donation collection envelope in the break room or lunch room? We would love for you to share our story with all of those people and let them know exactly why we are so passionate about this cause. Encourage everyone you know to read our story at bennettandellie.blogspot.com and “get to know” us.

If each person that ~~stalked~~ stopped by our blog donated $1 we could raise a few hundred dollars!

B and I are really trying to make the fundraising fun this year, so we are going to start off with this Challenge:

**For every person that leaves a comment on this post, we will donate $1 to TCM. You don’t have to leave a long comment, a smile or “hi” will do just fine. But, if you leave a comment we know you have read how important this March is to us and maybe you will go tell another friend or family member and they will donate…

WE are counting on YOU and the future of preemie babies are counting on US…let’s make a difference TOGETHER! Let the fun begin!

Blessings,
Brandon, Angie, Ellie Grace, ~Bennett~ , and Cullen

I In her own words…

2011-01-25T08:04:00.001-06:00

Kids say the funniest things…and my kid is no exception. I WISH I had taken my mother’s advice (never thought I’d say that!) and write down every single one of Ellie’s funny phrases, but I haven’t. So, I ‘m going to keep track of them on here the best that I can from now on.

~Cullen was crying in his crib one afternoon. I was close and I knew he wasn’t in danger, he just wanted to be held. Ellie ran into his room and turned his light on and said, “There, Cullen, now you can’t be scared of the dark anymore. See, mommy he isn’t crying anymore because he isn’t scared.” Well, if only I had thought of that!!!

~Daddy threw a pillow through the living room to put it back up on the couch. He missed his target and hit one of my picture frames instead. Ellie let out a gasp and looked right at me…then back at him. (yelling) DADDY! That is why we don’t throw in the HOUSE! MOMMY…daddy just made a mistake. He is throwing in the house. But he didn’t mean to. (I asked if Ellie if she thought he needed to go to timeout) No, daddy is sorry and he won’t do it again.

~I must say, “Do you understand me?” A LOT, because now if Ellie does something wrong this is what she says: “Mommy, I just (insert wrongdoing here) I’m sorry mommy, I understand, I understand mommy, I won’t do it again.”

~Eating is a nightmare right now with Ellie…as in, she just doesn’t eat. So, in an effort to ~~bribe~~ reward her, we offer chocolate chips after she finishes a meal. Now, she comes in and says (groaning), “Oh mommy, my tummy is just so full of _____. (in a chipper voice) Can I have some chocolate chips now!?” Ummm, NO!

~When she wakes up she immediately runs to tell me that she has sugar in her eyes. It’s from the sugar fairy, so Ellie will be sweet all day long!

~I have been trying to teach Ellie how to get out of her new car seat. (I got her the bri.tax frontier 85 and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT!) She really needed a new seat b/c she is so tall and she kept asking for a big girl seat. Now, because I am making her learn how to get out of it on her own she tells me: Mommy, I just can’t. I’m just small, I’m just teeny tiny still.”

~While passing a fast food restaurant a few weeks ago Ellie asked for chicken nuggets and fries. We were in a hurry, so I quickly replied with, “No sweetie, mommy doesn’t have money for that.” Ellie says, “Oh, mommy, I’m so sorry I take all of your money. It’s in my bank for college!” HAHAHAHAHA!!

~If I give in and let her do something out of the ordinary she gets very dramatic and says, “Oh, thank you mommy. I love you mommy. Thanks for being nice to me.” Like I’m not usually nice to her!!!

My little Ellie is one of a kind! A day doesn’t go by without me thanking Him for blessing me with her. One of the greatest loves of my life!

Blessings,

Angie

A dear friend…

2011-01-18T08:36:00.001-06:00

A very dear friend of mine is pregnant with her first baby. Last weekend, we celebrated with the most beautiful baby shower I have EVER been to.

(I had to crop myself right out of the pic with the beautiful mommy to be…holy double chin!)

A few days later, Jocelyn was put on bed rest due to high blood pressure.

Jocelyn and I met when I was teaching first grade (a million years ago). She was my substitute teacher when I left to marry Brandon. From that day on (nine years ago) we have been good friends. She went on to become a teacher and is now an assistant principal…and I retired! We have laughed about that a time or two!!!

She and her hubby, KJ, have always shown their support for our family through prayer, friendship and fundraising for team Chunky Monkey. I feel confident that God will protect Jocelyn and little Kaylen in these last few weeks of her pregnancy, but if you have a few extra minutes today would you mind sending up a prayer for them.

Blessings,

Angie

Dr. Visits and results

2011-01-14T15:52:00.001-06:00

I am pretty sure that between co-pays and parking I spend more money in one month at the doctor than I do in groceries…and I spend A LOT at the grocery store!!

Last week was filled with doctor visits. The kiddos had their CF clinic and both were supposed to have shots for: Ellie’s 4 year check and Cullen’s 6 month check, but it didn’t all work out like that.

Tuesday was our all day visit to Texas Children’s. When I say “all day” I mean I left my house at 11:30 and didn’t get home until 6:20! It’s not that our doctor is always running behind, it’s that we get visits from:

social worker

dietician (x2 this time)

nurse

doctor

respiratory therapist

x-rays (not every trip)

Keep in mind this is ALL x2 b/c we have two kiddos with CF!

Here are the results from the weigh-in:

Ellie Grace: (at four years old)

37 lbs (75%) 41 inches (75%) BMI: 75%

Cullen: (exactly 7 months old)

19.12 lbs (75%) 27 inches (50%) BMI: 65%

Usually, Ellie is a star at clinic. However, after her last experience with the sputum collection (with a swab) she is scarred for life! If you’ll remember, she temporarily quit eating and swallowing her saliva (which, incidentally, resulted in an ER trip and another trip to the pedi). SO, folks…we were those parents this time. The ones with the screaming child that had to be held down by three people for a SIMPLE throat swab! She bit the tongue depressor in half, which stressed the nurse out and Brandon had to pry her jaw open to make sure she didn’t get any splinters from it! I decided to step out of the room in hopes that she would relax without me, but daddy couldn’t get the job done, so back in I went. We got another nurse and sent B out in the hall with Cullen. I held Ellie in my arms, another nurse held her head and another one held her arms and legs. The whole time she was screaming, “I’m afraid!!!” It was truly heart breaking. I was a cross between heart-broken and seriously irritated b/c it was 5:00 at this point! FINALLY, we got it, but only b/c she opened her mouth to scream and the nurse quickly inserted the swab. Daddy did help a little though b/c he told Ellie the cotton swab tasted like chocolate! Genius!!!

Over the holiday both kiddos were sick. We were really afraid Cullen was coming down with RSV and Ellie appeared to have another sinus infection. Both were treated (just in case Cullen’s wasn’t viral) and seemed to be better by clinic. My one major question to the doctor was about Ellie constantly having to be put on antibiotics for the same symptoms. She is like clockwork with fever and abx every 4 weeks to the day. What I learned was interesting and frustrating!

So, when Ellie gets sick I take her to the pedi unless she is SUPER DUPER sick then I take her straight to TCH for the CF doc. The last three months I have been to the pedi once a month for the same symptoms. They usually treat her with omnicef which works, but the last visit was with our pedi’s partner and she gave azithromycin…which NEVER works on Ellie. When I told this to the CF doc she wasn’t surprised. Ellie always cultures e-coli in her sputum. The only way to get rid of any bacterial bug that she gets is to treat her with an abx that is sensitive to the ecoli. The pedi wasn’t doing that, therefore she was never really getting rid of the bacterial infection, just suppressing it. How stinking irritating! Why wouldn’t the pedi KNOW to treat the ecoli too? Grrrr! Let’s just say they will know from now on!

Since Cullen was sick as well we were on pins and needles waiting to see what his culture grew. That scary news was delivered yesterday. More in a minute.

The rest of the visit was pretty good. Always a boat load of info and questions answered. More than I care to rehash.

On Thursday, I took both kiddos to Cullen’s 6 month check alone. The nanny was getting over an allergy attack and B had to work. It’s not impossible to manage both of them, but it is always an interesting experience. Ellie got a “get out of jail free” card for shots b/c she had such a high fever the week before for several days. The weight check was the same as Tuesday’s info and the visit was relatively short. He is a fat little man. He eats great (except for the issues with green veggies), BUT his left tear duct has not opened yet. We massage daily and will continue to do so. If it doesn’t fix itself by 8 months we will have to see an ophthalmologist. I am praying that this will not be the case b/c I don’t want my little guy to undergo the procedure associated with opening the duct.

Next came the shots…poor little guy. Cullen has always been a little dramatic when it comes to shots and this visit was a true example of that. He was set to get a total of 4 shots, but we decided to do 3 and return in 4 weeks for the other two. He was HYSTERICAL all the way to the car…where I ended up sitting and nursing him for thirty minutes while Ellie kept begging to go home and play with her toys. Joyous day!

The week ended without a call from the CF clinic with a report on the sputum cultures.

Yesterday, was the day the info was delivered. The nurse called and said that Cullen didn’t get rid of the klebsiella that cultured last time and in addition he also grew stenotrophomonas Maltophilia. Ellie cultured her usual ecoli. The doctor was very concerned with Cullen’s culture, so now we are on 10 days of a strong abx called Septra. Cullen is homebound until the end of the abx. The two bacteria that Cullen cultured are pathogens for respiratory infections. So, basically he is SUPER susceptible to pneumonia, RSV, bronchitis…ANY and ALL of those serious bacterial infections. We will attempt to get rid of the steno with the oral abx, but if we are unsuccessful and he is still sick at the end of these next 10 days the next step is to be hospitalized and put on IV abx. This is LAST RESORT in my mind and I am praying very hard that our little man is bacteria free on his next culture.

This whole disease is a battle. As a parent I am always second guessing choices that I make for my kids. Yes, they have to live normal lives. But, sometimes normal is just too risky for us. We aren’t just trying to keep one person healthy, we are constantly trying to keep three people healthy. Each of us is at risk for culturing the bacteria that another one has. I am constantly watching to make sure Ellie isn’t close to Cullen’s face. Making sure we have sanitized everything separately. Washing hands. Lysol’ing toys. It is a lot of pressure to say the least. DON’T GET ME WRONG…I wouldn’t trade my life for anything on the planet, but some days are just full of anxiety. A lot of this disease is still new to us and a lot of it is very scary. A lot of the time I feel alone and it is hard to find people that truly understand what we are dealing with. I was very blessed to get a call from my friend, counselor and CF specialist, Somer, yesterday! She made me feel a million times better! Talking to her always puts my fear into prospective.

So, today was a new day. We are at home, next to a warm fire, just relaxing. Not that we could go anywhere anyway…B’s transmission has to be replaced in his truck, so he has my car!

Never a dull moment around here!!!

If you wouldn’t mind saying a prayer for our little Cullen we would be so grateful.

Blessings,

Angie

My silly girl in her favorite jammies that she just recently wore the knee out of! And, a picture of her watching a movie and eating popcorn! Crazy girl!

My TOP ten…

2011-01-03T10:01:00.001-06:00

I had a lot of time to research and read reviews while I was on bed rest last year. I spent a lot of my time reviewing baby items because we had to start all over with our buying for Cullen.

I have so many friends that are pregnant right now that read my blog, so I thought I would compile a list of the top 10 things I couldn’t have lived without these last six months. (in no specific order)

1. The germ guardian nursery sanitizer: I love, love, love this item! I use it at least 2 times a day. After all of my sippy cups and bottle nipples come out of the dishwasher I throw them right into the germ guardian and dry heat sanitize them. I also use it for our nebs and any syringes we use after meds. You can throw any toys and pacifiers in as well. If it will fit, you can believe that I have put it in there to be sanitized!

2. Medela Harmony Manuel pump: So, I have a very expensive hospital grade electric pump and I think I’ve used it 5 times since Cullen was born! I also have a TON of reserve frozen milk (like an entire deep freezer full), so you know that I’ve been busy pumping when he isn’t eating. So, with what??? I L.O.V.E. this pump so much that it is the only one I use…and I have two of them now! It literally takes me just minutes to have at least 5 ounces pumped and in the freezer. It is the most practical pump I’ve ever used and between the twins and Cullen I’ve owned…FIVE! This pump is worth every penny and it’s only $34.99!

**I also used the me.dela breast milk bags b/c after trying several brands I found they were the thickest. Lansinoh bags were my second fav.

3. MOBY wrap and baby sling: We all know I’m a germ freak…and for good reason! So, when my babies were super small I would only carry them in public if they were in a baby sling. I have had two brands and been happy with both: hot.slings and a petu.nia pickle bottom one. Now that Cullen is more curious and a little bigger I carry him in a MO.BY wrap and he loves it! At 18 feet long it can seem a little overwhelming to tie, but go to You.tube (thanks for the tip Mindi) and you can watch videos that teach you all different ways to carry your baby. Both are definitely worth every penny! (side note: We did have a b.jorn with Ellie and B used it to carry her around in, but when she hit about 6 months her chubby little legs were too big for it)

4. Me.dela quick clean breast pump and accessory wipes: LOVE these!!! Yes, it’s easy to just use soap and water, but I wanted to make sure I was using a product gentle enough so that no soapy residue was left behind. You can take these with you for pumping on the go which is so convenient. These were a must have in my breast feeding world!

5. Be.aba babycook system: I was lucky enough to buy this 50% off from a friend that also made her little guy’s food. I would have spent three times that for this little gem! I LOVE this thing! There is no comparison to this and a food processor. The blades in the babycook are slanted at an angel that puree’s food perfectly every single time. I usually spend a few hours one day a week prepping food for the week. I make, pour into ice trays, freeze and then divide into labeled freezer safe baggies. I have sweet potatoes, carrots, peas, applesauce and peaches in the freezer already for this week. I will never have to buy baby food that has a shelf life of 2 years ever again. We also use Earth’s be.st whole grain cereal because it is the only truly organic baby cereal on the market. (I’m a little too chicken to make my own cereal!) If you are wanting a good book to read about feeding your baby the Sup.er Baby Food book is awesome!

6. The miracle blanket: Bringing home a newborn was a whole new experience for us! We quickly learned that Cullen would sleep so soundly if he was swaddled. Our fave (b/c there was no Velcro and we could wrap him to size) was the miracle blanket. Priceless in those first few months!

7. Crinkly lovey: So, we discovered early on that the sound of the diaper wipe bags fascinated Cullen. He has always loved to have soft cloth in his mouth as well. I spent a fortune on small “lovies” that had a layer of crinkle between minky fabric until I had a great idea! I would make him a crinkly lovey out of minky and flannel. He LOVES IT! It literally keeps him entertained and not fussing for a half hour! (and it is monogrammed…too cute!!!)

8. aden & anais blankets: Cullen LOVES to have cloth in his mouth. We have loved this brand because of its thin, soft muslin fabric. We have the large blankets and the small security blankets and we are constantly washing them to have on hand.

9. BOB stroller: I agonized for months over which twin stroller to buy. I don’t let Ellie walk/wonder while we are shopping, I still make her sit in the stroller, so having a twin was a must. I have owned 7 (yes, it’s an obsession) strollers and I absolutely can not say that any of them are the quality of the BOB. My only issue is that I wish the BOB looked a little less…rugged. Alas, the quality wins over the looks, so we went with the stroll.er strides twin BOB and even though it is super hard to lift up into my SUV I still love it! I can honestly say I wish I wouldn’t have spent a dime on any other stroller. This product is totally worth saving to splurge on. (They are 15% off on BRU right now!!!)

10. Mustela baby wash: This has got to be the best smelling, best for baby, wash we have used. Both of my kiddos (Ellie more than Cullen) have super sensitive skin. The 2 in 1 wash is soap free and leaves your clean little one feeling so soft! Ellie LOVES the milk bath (mommy does too!) and this is the only shampoo we have ever used on Cullen. I am sure that people will think I am nuts, but I bathe my kiddos every night. This product is so gentle that they have never had dry skin from “over washing.”

***Okay, so I realized a few more as I was typing!

11. The boppy: I still nurse and the boppy is still the pillow that I use for a hands free comfortable nursing session. Cullen still falls asleep in it!

12. The bumbo chair: Thanks to a good friend I didn’t have to buy another one of these. I didn’t remember using this very often with Ellie, but as soon as we put Cullen in it he learned to sit on his own!

13. Play.tex bottles: When he actually takes a bottle we like these. They are the most sanitary in my opinion b/c you use a brand new bag every time. When the bottle is done you simple throw the insert bag in the trash, sanitize the nipple and throw it in the sterilizer (if you are me!!).

I should probably do a post of things that were a waste of money for us!

So, that’s it! My favorite baby items that we couldn’t live without.

Blessings,

Angie

2010 Year end review

2011-01-02T15:32:00.001-06:00

2010 came and went…pretty quickly! Well, looking back now it felt like it went quickly, but I remember days that seemed to DRAG on forever!

January-May: spent every.single.day in bed, unless I was at the doctor or being admitted for contractions. Worth every second of it though!

January 2010:

~We found out that the little miracle growing inside of me was going to be a BOY!

Ellie in January

February:

~Ellie was diagnosed with RSV and stayed sick for weeks. She started ballet this month.

~I started home health care monitoring my contractions. Put on terb pump.

Ellie in February

March:

~Admitted for my first time at 24 weeks due to a UTI.

~B started on Cullen’s nursery. I loved watching it go from a guest room to a little boy’s nursery. A true dream come true!

~Had an awesome baby shower!!!!

Ellie in March helping daddy paint Cullen’s room

April:

~I turned 32!!!

~Admitted for the fifth time and ended up staying in the hospital for almost 2 weeks.

~Team Chunky Monkey celebrated it’s third MOD walk and crawfish boil.

May:

~Last month of bed rest!!! I broke the rules at the end of the month and enjoyed a few days of running errands with Ellie as a pregnant mommy. I LOVED doing that with her!

~Had a fantastic Mother’s Day

Ellie in May

June:

~Delivered a HEALTHY baby boy on June 4, 2010 after spending over a half of a year on bed rest. Cullen Spencer Kahl was born at 4:50pm weighing 7.2lbs and was 19 3/4 in long. He went straight to general nursery and we went home as a family of “5” three days later.

~B celebrated a fantastic Father’s Day!

~We had Bennett’s third anniversary of his death…hard to believe it happened that long ago.

July:

~Adjusted to life out of bed and as a stay at home mommy to two little ones!!!

Happy 4th of July

August:

~First family vacation in over a year and we took Cullen. Ellie had fun on the “beach”.

September:

~We officially started homeschooling.

~BUSY with homeschool, soccer, gym, dance and work!!!

~Annual fantasy football draft and Aunt Courtney visits!!!

October:

~Ellie got her ears pierced and we celebrated Halloween with a skeleton and a Raggedy Ann Doll.

~Cullen is 4 months old!

November:

~Happy Thanksgiving 2010! We have a million blessings to be thankful for.

December:

~Daddy turned 33!!! We celebrated with a trip to Las Vegas.

~Our princess, Ellie Grace turned 4 years old!

~We celebrated 8 years of marriage! It has been a long journey!

~We attended Ellie’s first ballet recital

~Cullen turned 6 moths old!

2009 2010

It’s amazing how things can change so much in just one year…

Hoping all of you have a happy, healthy and blessed 2011!!!

Blessings,

Angie

The half-year mark

2010-12-28T21:17:00.001-06:00

Cullen Spencer Kahl is SIX months old! Well, in fairness he has been six months old for almost three weeks, but his half-year mark fell during the weekend we were out of town, so I am just getting around to the post! The good news is he is still six months old, so I am not THAT behind!

Stats:

~You have been rolling over (both ways) for the last two months, but you have finally mastered the art of sitting up! You are what we like to call “husky” so sitting was a bit of a challenge!

~You got your 2 bottom teeth on the same day the week before you turned 6 months old! You are now working on your bottom “i” teeth and the top teeth! If you don’t quit biting mommy you will be a bottle drinker soon!

~You weigh 19.6 pounds (I made Daddy stand on the scale with you last night)

~ You are wearing size 3 diapers which should accommodate a baby up to 28 lbs, but I don’t think you’ll make it that long in them

~ You are wearing size 6-12 month clothes in Gap and Gymboree although some outfits are still a little big.

~ You wear size 6-12 month PJ's and mommy loves Gap and Gymboree footed PJ's

~ We just moved up to size 6-12 month socks b/c the 0-6 were cutting off circulation in your calves! Oh, how I will miss those cute Trumpet socks. :(

~ You are still nursing and I don’t see you weaning anytime soon! You eat 3 solid meals a day. Breakfast is a fruit with apple rice cereal and breast milk mixed in. Lunch is a fresh fruit and veggie and dinner is a veggie with rice cereal and breast milk mixed in. I make all of your food fresh and it’s all organic. I L.O.V.E the baby cook by BEABA!!! You have tried:

avocado, banana, sweet potato, butternut squash, apple, pears, prunes, peas, carrots and rice cereal.

~You pretty much love all foods

~ You just started noticing Bo the boxer. I hope you love animals as much as your sister does someday.

~ You enjoy your jumperoo, but your new love is playing with racecars on the floor (sitting up)! You LOVE the racecars you got for Christmas and as long as you have those you are a happy man.

~ You are oh so close to crawling which is amazing to me! You tuck your knees up and army crawl all over the place. I am so paranoid all the time about what is on the floor b/c you pick everything up! Ellie never did this. Also, you are so curious. You crawled to the bathroom cabinets this morning and started trying to open them. Looks like we will be baby proofing SOON!

~ You love looking at books and chewing on the corners of them!!!

~ You love listening to music, BUT when we sing to you and make up songs you are in heaven. You laugh and smile the whole time.

~ You do not like having your clothes changed at all. You are a squirmy worm on the changing table and I think you just hate having things put over your head.

~ You are on the most “scheduled” schedule ever! (I’m knocking on wood right now) I can pretty much count on you waking, eating, playing, nursing and napping at the same time every day:

wake: 8am

eat: 9am

nap: 11-1:30

eat: 2:30

nap: 3:30-5:30

eat: 6:45

bath: 7ish

sleep by 8pm

CRAZY!!! Ellie was never on a schedule…EVER. I think it is harder to have a scheduled child, but I do love the alone time with Ellie during the day. I don’t take any credit for the schedule, but I do think it helps that we have someone that watches you during the day, so that I don’t have to bring you out. Being at home most of the time has helped you form this habit.

~You still won’t really take a bottle for Blakely. There are some days that I come home and notice you might have had 2 ounces.

~I started giving you a sippy cup with your meals and you love to use it. You look so proud when you get it to your mouth…and chew on the spout! I put about an ounce of prune juice mixed with water in the cup b/c you have horrible bowel issues. You always smile really big when you realize I put the juice in the cup!

~ You love to be in the bath. You love to be in the bath even more with sister! You ADORE her!

~Your smile can light up a room and your laugh is contagious!

~ You say, “Dadada” all the time! You also know the “n and b” sounds and are working on the “m” sound.

~You instantly smile when I say, “Where’s Daddy?” He is your pal!

~You also love it when I say, “How big is Cullen?” You smile and are getting ready to put your arms up. You are such a smarty pants!

~You are about to get another haircut. Daddy gave you a trim on your 5 month birthday, but now you really need a cut. You have so much hair on top that it looks hilarious after we blow it dry!

You have changed so much in the last 2 months. You went from a little baby to a little boy. I think I kiss you over a hundred times a day because I am so totally in love with you. You will never know how much I love you, but I will spend the rest of our lives telling you!

I love you always and forever,

Mommy

did you know…

2010-12-28T16:45:00.001-06:00

The holidays are always hard. Yes, we have two beautiful miracle children, but did you know we held Bennett for the first time on Christmas Day four years ago.

Visiting our church is hard. We love our church. It is a tie that binds us to our past. However, every single time I enter the doors I see that tiny white casket in the front row.

Visiting your child in a cemetery is hard. Well, that is just a given. It never gets “normal” to plan on visiting the cemetery. To pick flowers up at the florist and to give the answer, “they are for our son’s grave” when asked what you will be doing with such beautiful flowers. It never feels okay to leave my baby boy there.

Hearing this song in church brought tears to my eyes. Holding Cullen during Christmas Eve service and looking over at Brandon and Ellie, I felt like my heart might burst. Full of pride for my miracles, gratefulness for their lives, and sadness for the little boy that was missing from our family.

These lyrics paralyzed me because they felt like they were written for my life.

Did you know

That this baby boy has come to make you new

That this child that you delivered

Will soon deliver you

Did you know

That your baby boy has walked where angels trod?

and when you kiss your little baby

You’ve kissed the face of God

Did you know

That your baby boy is Heaven’s perfect lamb.

This sleeping child you’re holding

is the Great I am.

My children are my heart and soul. I have said it before…they are the life in my breath. Through our years of infertility I was lost and incomplete. My life, along with its blessings and tragedies is what it is today because of my babies.

I am sure people in church that caught a glimpse of this crazy mom crying while she rocked her little boy thought I had lost my mind! The truth is I could relate to that song. To that miracle child. I could relate to that feeling of being
“delivered” by just holding that tiny life in my arms. I know what it feels like to look in my child’s eyes and see the eyes of God because I did it every single time I looked at Bennett. Those eyes were so innocent, kind and pure.

This song moved me.

And as we prepared to celebrate the birth of Jesus, I was reminded of the miraculous births of my three angels.

As moved as I was…and as many times as we told Ellie that the true reason we celebrate is because it is Jesus’ birthday…Christmas Eve was still filled with excitement and anticipation as we prepared for SANTA.

With the family all dressed up and the kiddos in matching smocked outfits, we headed out the door and off to church. Cullen hasn’t been to church yet because it is just too risky for him to be exposed to that many germs during this time of year. Christmas Eve was the exception we were willing to make. We met our good friends there and 8 seats in the front row later we were all settled in for the service. The girls were very good and B only had to separate Ellie once by force! The service was amazing and before we knew it we were lighting candles and it was over. As we were exiting we noticed all of the umbrellas…and wet people…and then I looked outside and it looked like a full blown monsoon had blown in! YIKES! There we were with two kiddos that are high risk for infection in a super crowded foyer of the church with NO UMBRELLA! Cullen was screaming in his carrier and Ellie was running around like she had no manners at all! B went to get the car and my friends hubby offered to carry Ellie out in the pouring rain while I carried Cullen in his seat. We spotted B pulling up to the front and we took off running (me in 4 inch heels!). B didn’t see us and kept driving!!! So, in pouring rain and lightening we were chasing my husband through the church parking lot with two babies! Merry Christmas! We finally caught him and got the babies dried of and I caught my breath! B helped them get their kiddos in the car and then we were off. Cullen was NOT happy and we were all soaked. So, our plans of a nice family dinner were scrapped and we hit the local fried chicken joint for a to-go meal instead! We laughed all the way home with our last minute meal, but it actually worked out in the end.

After warming up and getting our jammies on, we baked and decorated cookies for SANTA, put out food for the reindeer and then it was off to bed.

The elves worked late into the late, but the look on Ellie’s face in the morning was worth every single minute of work! Unfortunately, our little princess was feeling under the weather. Not even the Bar.bie jeep she had begging Santa for was worth getting overly excited about. After presents she asked if she could lay on the couch and watch a movie! WHAT??? With all of those new gifts to play with I thought she would be running a million miles a minute through the house. Not the case. After administering some meds we cleaned up and headed out to Mimi and Grampy’s house to celebrate. We decided to keep the visit short just because our little girl needed to get home. So, three hours after we left we were back at home to relax! B set up Ellie’s new tent in front of the fire place and we all got warm and cozy and watched movies.

2010 2009

Our holiday was as amazing as it could possibly be. Every single time I held Cullen I thanked God for bringing him into this world safely. Last year, I was praying that this year I would have a healthy baby to hold and healthy he IS! Ellie was an absolute joy to watch this year, too. Her innocence makes you appreciate the season even more than you typically would.

Brandon and I are so blessed by the wonders of His love!

I hope all of you had a fantastic holiday with family and friends!!

Blessings,

Angie

Now that you are F.O.U.R

2010-12-15T12:35:00.001-06:00

My dearest Ellie Grace,

Today, you are 4 years old! You have changed and grown the most this past year compared to previous years. You have truly become a big girl now…although, I want you to know you will ALWAYS be my baby girl.

I feel like this year passed the fastest, too. I am pretty sure that is because I spent 6 months of it on bed rest, but in all fairness you spent it in bed with me!!!

Here are some highlights of your third year of life:

*You are a talker!!! You will have a conversation with anyone and everyone. You say funny things like: “This is my most hilarious outfit, mommy” and “That was fantastic!” When you try to convince us to get you something (usually a sugar treat) you say, “I was thinking I was going to have ____” and it always makes me laugh! You have great manners and almost always remember to use them. My heart melts when you say, “I love you in my heart, mommy.” I know I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to get you to understand JUST how much I love you.

*You started gymnastics, ballet, swim lessons and soccer this year. You are now in gym twice a week and right now you are preparing for your Christmas ballet show. I am starting to think you might like dance just as much at gym. Soccer is last on your list for sure, but daddy and I think it is a great aerobic workout for those CF lungs of yours!

*Speaking of CF…you participated in your first drug trial this year. You were a model patient, so I see other trials in your future. You seem to have been on more antibiotics this year when compared to years past. A bout with RSV was the biggest hit.

*You love to play dress up! We went to see Disney on Ice with your BF Emma. I am pretty sure you would have sat still if that show would have been 5 hours long!!!

* We started home school and you LOVE it! We have a fantastic routine and I am so impressed at how much you have learned. Not because I doubted your ability to learn, but I was super nervous about my ability to still teach!

*You still love to play with Little People and your independent play is SO creative. You have started to play with Barbie's. You still love to play with babies every now and then.

*I think you are most compassionate about animals. We have so many stuffed dogs, cats, monkeys, etc that your room is probably a fire hazard! You truly love animals. Real ones and stuffed ones!!! All of your animals have names and most of them have families. In your world every “thing” has a mommy and a daddy. I think you might be a veterinarian some day…

*I’m pretty sure you have been in time out less this year than in years past. You are VERY well behaved. Some people (Mimi) might think we are tough on you, but the simple truth is we have high expectations for you and we know what you are capable of. I would say for your age you are one of the most well behaved little girls I know. (biased…yes!, but believe me you can have an attitude when you want to have one!)

*You still sleep with mommy and daddy which is just fine with us! I asked you the other night if you thought you might be ready to sleep in your big girl bed and you said, “No mommy, I just want to snuggle you right here.” So, there you go!

*You learned to ride your big girl bike with training wheels this year! It scared me to death to watch you on that big bike the first time, but you are a master on it now!

*Eating has been a rollercoaster this year. Some days you eat every meal and you eat a lot. Other times it is an uphill battle to get you to eat anything. You favorite things are: PBJ, macaroni and cheese, mexican beans and rice, cheese, spaghetti with meatballs, any kind of soup, hot dogs, sausage, ham and swiss cheese, croutons with ranch dressing, pizza (especially when you make it), and you LOVE fruit. You don’t really like a lot of sweets and will only lick frosting off of cake, cupcakes and cookies. However, you could probably eat your weight in m.&.m’s!

*You are SO tall now. I can’t wait to get to your 4 year check up to see how much you have grown. You fit in 4T, but you are so tall that I buy some 5t clothes just so they are long enough. You L.O.V.E shoes! You almost have more shoes than me, but you look precious in all of them so how can I resist!

*We usually have to get your hair cut every 6-8 weeks. It is super curly and is growing so fast. You still won’t leave the house without a bow which fine with me.

*The best part about this year was that you became a big sister. You adore your brother. Both of you laugh every time you are around each other. I think you two will be the best of friends and it makes my heart happy to see that.

Ellie, you spent half of this year in bed with me and I loved every minute of it. I am sorry it had to be that way, but at least I didn’t have to miss many of your days. You are the most precious gift I have ever received. I know this year will probably go as quickly as the last, but I truly hope it doesn’t. Happy birthday my little princess!!!

Love,

Mommy

12.14.09 12.14.10

I simply can’t believe…

2010-12-13T22:27:00.001-06:00

that we have three children.

that we have three children and two of them were born (in 4 hours) exactly 4 years ago.

that I can recall every single thing that happened from this entire day 4 years ago.

that the first best day of my life happened four years ago and the result is this most perfect miracle girl and her angel brother.

At 1:44 and 1:46am on December 14, 2006 my life forever changed for the better. We didn’t have a clue of the nightmare that was lying ahead, but truthfully it still couldn’t steal the moment of gloriousness that was the birth of our first two babies. No matter how small, sick and fragile they were…the were still ours!

Six months later we sent Bennett back home to his creator. He was no longer ours to raise, but he will forever be a part of our family in our hearts.

Their first birthday was hard because it was the first one that Bennett was gone for. The second and third were hard, but NOTHING has been as difficult as this fourth birthday.

Ellie has grown so much this year that it just blows my mind. She is no longer a baby. It leaves me wondering what kind of boy Bennett would have been. These big changes are the times that I find my heart aches the most.

Is it even possible to have your heart hurt so much, but be so completely full at the same time? I can’t stop kissing and hugging my precious miracle girl. I know how differently our ending could have been after she was born three months early. We are blessed. Simply blessed to have such a perfect little person that we have been gifted to raise up to Him.

Still, knowing that, I find myself choking back tears today. Holding Cullen a little tighter. Giving a few more sugar snacks to Ellie than I would typically allow. Having the patience level I wish I had every day. I guess I am just a little more grateful.

Dear Ellie and Bennett,

Happy birthday to our first two miracles. You are loved and thought of every single hour of my day.

Ellie you are perfection in my eyes. I love every single teeny tiny thing about you. I love coloring with you, playing magnetic dress up with your princess dolls, snuggling you in bed and every little thing in between. Happy birthday my miracle girl.

Sweet Bennett. I miss you every single minute of the day…especially today. You are the most precious little angel up in Heaven I am sure. Sister sends you balloons every time we leave the grocery store. She says the bright ones can be seen faster because they are so much brighter. So, today she sent you a red one. No matter where you are today we are celebrating your life. We miss you more than any words would be capable of expressing. Happy birthday to our sweet little chunky monkey…we miss you so much and we love you with all of our hearts

Happy 4th birthday Bennett David and Ellie Grace ~ We love you both forEVER!!!

I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.

Jeremiah 31:13

Blessings,

Angie

A Birthday Boys dream

2010-12-10T10:27:00.001-06:00

We’re back and Vegas was SO.MUCH.FUN!!!

It was terribly hard to leave my babies, but I had such a fantastic time with my hubby and our friends that honestly the time passed quickly.

Our trip began when our friends showed up at our house at 8:30am Friday morning. We celebrated with some mimosas and then we were off. I kissed my babies, shed a few tears and then Ellie pushed me out of the door! As I was leaving she was telling our nanny, “We are going to have so much fun together!!!” It was nice to know she was so broken up about me leaving!!!

I sent the first of many texts to Blakely on our way to the airport just checking in and things seemed to be going ok.

One flight, one bloody mary, one beer and one game of crossword relay later we were in Phoenix for a layover. I made the responsible decision (the first for the day I’m afraid) to call and check in on my babies and it was horrible news. Cullen was hysterical. That made me a complete nervous wreck. I was ready to fly home right at that moment…seriously! Instead, my hubby ordered me another drink (we don’t have a problem, we were just reliving our college years with our good buddies!!!) to get my mind off of the nightmare that was occurring in our home. Then he told Blakely to lie to me for the rest of the trip…we had a discussion about that! Another short plane ride, another game of crossword relay, some encouraging words from our friends that the nanny just needed to “break Cullen of me” later we were in Las Vegas…oh, and maybe another drink! We gathered our bags and waited in the ridiculous line to get a cab. (For all of you B.B fans out there…“Boogie” was in line behind us!)

We finally arrived at TI and it felt like we had been through three days of vacation already. No food and a lot of drinks in this 32 year old body was not going to work! The boys took off to the sports book to place their first bets and we (the girls) waited in yet another line to check in. We got settled, met our other friends that arrived a few hours after us and we finally ate! We gambled a little and lost a little and then decided to take a walk down the strip. B and I both LOVE the fountains at the Bellagio and I am totally in love with the conservatory there, so every time we visit that is at the top of our list to see.

Before this trip B had never gambled at the Bellagio. I gave him $100 and told him to have fun…and to try not to lose it all at one time! I sat with a friend and waited…and talked…and waited…and bought drinks…and waited…and then it occurred to me that I should check on B. He is a fantastic guy, but budgeting is not his strong suit! As I approached the craps table he gave me a handful of different colored chips. Usually when we gamble if he is winning he will give me back what I gave him to start with and then he will give me some of his winnings to cash in. I started counting and I couldn’t believe my eyes!!! He was UP…WAY UP!!! I did like any responsible, loving wife would do and I encouraged him to stay by buying him a beer!!! He stayed and I sat and waited with my friend…we talked…and drank…and giggled about B’s winnings…and we waited. Then B came to meet us. I felt a moment of disappointment b/c I didn’t see anything in his hands. I was a little sad for him b/c I thought he didn’t come out with anything else. Then he got a smirk on his face and reached into his pocket only to pull out a MEGA chip!!! My hubby hit the jackpot (for us!) on the craps table on his birthday trip to Vegas…it was a dream come true for him for sure! The rest of the night was a celebration. We hit several casino’s up the strip on our way back to TI. We managed to gamble until 3AM!!! Since we had only eaten once the whole day, we ordered room service and then passed out! (not literally!)

B was still living on his adrenalin rush the next morning. He was up at 7am and off to the tables and breakfast with friends. I decided to just sleep…and sleep I did! Until 10:30! It was fantastic. I checked on the babies and Blakely told me everything was going good, so I slowly got myself together and headed out the door for lunch with the crew. Lunch was fun (but my food was horrible!) and then the six of us headed to gamble together. The day was a blast! We were all up from playing single deck black jack (my new fav game). We played at a few casinos until about dinner time. I was totally exhausted and had to head up yet again to pump (going on a vaca while breastfeeding WITHOUT the baby is H.A.R.D work). I hit a brick wall. I was so tired and I missed my babies SO much! I thought I would just stay up in the room and order room service, but B and I decided to head to our favorite night club in Vegas together. We changed and headed out at 9pm which is my typical bedtime! We ate the seafood buffet at The Rio and we were so stuffed and tired we skipped the club and took a cab back to our hotel! All of the partying had taken a toll on both of us. Our hotel had sent up a bottle of champagne to our room and we were so exhausted we didn’t even drink it that night!

We woke up early and packed our bags. We had two hours to gamble before we headed to the airport. It was just the two of us and it was a beautiful morning. We walked around and gambled a little. B walked away with a few more dollars which made the trips ending a very happy one!

Our flight home was a lot more calm than the ones we took to Vegas! B and I played a little crossword relay and drank water and juice.

After a quick trip to the store to buy our baby girl a surprise we were back at home with our babies in our arms. I’m pretty sure I’m just not the mom that likes to leave her kiddos. AT ALL!

We did have a blast and it was nice to have some alone time with the hubs for his 33 birthday. We have a fantastic nanny, sister in law and MiMi that all helped while we were away and we couldn’t have gone without them! Blakely survived, although she said Friday was a total nightmare! She got Cullen under control by Saturday and then Sunday was a breeze for her. Good news for her: I don’t plan on leaving my babies any time soon!

I love you, B!! I know you had a fantastic time in Vegas and you deserved every single minute of it!

Love,

**I would love to share our pics, but:

1. I don’t know how to download them to my laptop with our small camera AND

2. B was trying to sync my phone and erased EVERYTHING from it!!! So, the cool phone pics from the Bellagio are gone.

I don’t have ANY contact info for any of my friends anymore either. If you all will please email me your numbers I would greatly appreciate it! babyhopes1@hotmail.com

Where has it gone…

2010-11-30T22:29:00.001-06:00

I suppose this question/statement could apply to several aspects of my life these days.

My time…

My sanity!!!

My body!!!

My little babies…

My organized life…

When I finally get a second to stop and think I often wonder where it has all gone.

I have been meaning to update this blog for weeks. I have been meaning to answer text messages and organize Ellie’s closet too. Oh, wait and buy frames for Cullen’s newborn photos, get Christmas cards printed, order Ellie’s birthday cake…the list is endless. I HATE that this blog is my virtual baby book and I haven’t even updated about our kiddos in over a month!!!

Cullen’s fifth month of life has come and almost gone with HUGE milestones!

Not only is our little man now 19 lbs, he is also sporting two pearly white front, bottom teeth and a menu that has included rice cereal, avocado, banana and now pears!! After a doctor visit yesterday we tried eating food three times a day today and it seems like too much, so breakfast and dinner will be big meals and the rest will still be breast milk. Cullen is rolling over and working on sitting up!!! He talks ALL.THE.TIME and it seems like he may have a personality like his sisters. I have a feeling I am going to be in for it with these two! Cullen loves his mommy and is what some might consider spoiled…I like to call it really loved! Sister is his best friend. She makes him laugh and talk like no one else. It makes my heart smile to watch them together.

My baby girl will be FOUR…4…years old in TWO weeks. I am in shock. She is no longer a baby. She talks like a little woman. She is so incredibly smart and compassionate. Her schooling is going very well. In fact, she loves school. She is writing most of the letters we have learned, she can write her name and a few words. I am beyond proud of her and the work she puts forth daily to be the little angel that she is. Ellie shocked me last week by reciting doubles addition facts…even though we haven’t even covered that in school!!! She is a constant source of entertainment in our household. Case in point…yesterday, while looking though an animal fact book she looked at me and said, “Mommy, is this what you call a cheeto?” I laughed hysterically and she just looked at me and said, “What…” So innocent and sweet!

Time is in short supply and we are prepping for our first adult vacation away since our HONEYMOON, so a longer update can be expected after we return from Las Vegas!!!

Until then…enjoy the pics from our pumpkin patch visit.

Blessings,
Angie

Tag, hear it!

2010-10-28T10:48:00.001-05:00

This will go in the category of “funny things my kids say” along with various other cute phrases.

Ellie is growing up…WAY TOO FAST! She loves to spend her days playing with friends, going to gymnastics, dance, soccer, lunch playing with Cullen, watching movies and playing TAG! We were all sitting outside on Sunday and she ran up to B and yelled, “Tag, HEAR it!” I laughed hysterically and B took off after her to play her new favorite game.

Here is what else our growing girl has been up to…

Cheering on our Texas Tech Red Raiders…we have slacked a little on our team spirit this year. It just isn’t the same without the pirate!

She completed her first medical drug trial in September. She is awesome at doing treatments as long as her DVD player is close!

Playing soccer…GO KANSAS CITY! Daddy is the coach and she calls him “Coach Brandon”!!! Cullen usually sleeps through them seeing as they start at 8am!

We’ve spent a lot of girl time together after her games on Saturday…we LOVE visiting the splash park!

Snuggling with brother is always top on her list!

Posing for pics has become a habit…I don’t know where she picked this up from!

Ballet every Thursday…she is preparing for her holiday show and it is adorable!

Playing at the park with friends and having a picnic is always fun!!!

Trying to climb into Cullen’s crib…TIMEOUT!

Posing in his 4 month photo shoot…after getting busted for trying to climb into the crib!

I eventually let her get in and look how sweet this is!

BUT…

The BIGGEST, most exciting news…

is that this little angel FINALLY decided…

to get her ears pierced! (yes, they are small…and this mommy likes it that way!)

My princess is growing up so fast and I just wasn’t prepared for that!

I love you, Ellie Grace! No matter how big you get you will always be my miracle baby girl!

Love,

Mommy

Perfection

2010-10-17T14:31:00.001-05:00

My little miracle…isn’t he just perfect!

The results

2010-10-13T23:06:00.001-05:00

Hectic.

Frazzled.

Exhausting.

Busy.

That is what the last two days have been.

Why would I expect them to be any different than the rest of my days…I don’t know. But, for some reason yesterday and today have taken a major toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally.

I’ll just start out by saying that I had the WRONG date for Cullen’s PFT. Totally not like me to show up for an appointment on the complete wrong day, but I sure did it yesterday! By the grace of God they just happened to be able to squeeze us in! Which was a total blessing.

I took a ton of pictures of the procedure, but I was using my phone, so excuse the quality.

Here is the timeline and photo recall of our day.

We showed up at the hospital at 10am on the dot . Cullen was npo (nothing by mouth) since 7am. Starving my baby and listening to him scream the.entire.way to the hospital was horrible! I was pretty close to tears myself a few times.

Anyway, we showed and realized I was a day early, but the RT who knows us very well was sweet enough to work it all out.

Here is our little man…he wore himself out with all of the hysterics on the way to the hospital.

Here is the chamber…

By about 11am the nurse had gathered all of his info and it was time to administer the chloral hydrate (?)…which is the sedation med. I had to hold Cullen while he went to sleep and I’m going to be honest…I had to choke back tears as I did that. There was a lot of deja vu for me that day. A lot of reminders of the several surgeries that Bennett went through and all the times we sat next to him waiting for him to wake up from sedation.

Here is mommy holding her baby boy while he went to sleep. (don’t let the smile fool you!)

Once he was totally asleep it was time for the testing to begin. I would be lying if I said I could remember every single thing they tested. I did a lot of praying and staring at the monitor watching his heart rate and oxygen saturation. I spent months watching those same things on the monitor with Bennett…daja vu again.

All the while this is was sister was doing…

Here is our little man inside of the chamber.

After about an hour of testing I was allowed to scoop my little guy up in my arms while he started to wake up. Poor baby was so confused and totally out of it! I was allowed to nurse him ~ and he was eager to eat, so eat he did! Then he vomited all over both of us! We had to stay for him to be monitored for about 45 minutes.

Finally, the kiddos pulmonologist came in and interpreted the data. The numbers boiled down to classifying Cullen with mild disease as of right now. His lower lungs showed restriction and that was concerning to our doctor. He did show improvement after zo.penex was administered, so both kiddos are now on inhaled zo once per day. I can’t wait to get Cullen’s chest xrays to see what they show. At 4 months old I expected them to classify Cullen in the normal range, so the fact that they already have concerns scares me to death. Both the RT and the pulmonologist said that there were some results they didn’t expect from the lower lungs…not what I was hoping to hear! I will get his printout and post his numbers for all of those CFers out there. I am so tired I can’t remember anything right now! I do know that his FEV.5 was really good though! Good news to this momma! It was 107%!!!

So, after 5 hours at the hospital and NO FOOD at all for the day, Brandon and I headed to dinner! Our little man started to wake up a little more and our little lady posed for many pictures!

We stopped here as a surprise for Ellie and to reward her great behavior…

And this is what our car looked like on the way home…

Today, Cullen woke up with a swollen, red eye. So, we were off to the doctor for our weekly donation to their office. He has a little clogged duct, but she gave me antibiotic drops just in case it tried to get out of control. Here was our little guy tonight. He loves it when I make a kissing sound…my babies are the light of my life!!

Speaking of deja vu…

I think my little boys look a lot alike!

Blessings,

Angie

Today is the day…

2010-10-12T08:15:00.001-05:00

This little guy has no idea what is going to happen today…

This momma is totally unprepared to see her little boy put to sleep today!

Today is Cullen’s infant PFT. We (more specifically ME) would appreciate prayers that this experience goes well and is over quickly.

I watched Bennett be put out more times than I care to count. I can see him in my mind right now. I am scared to death to see Cullen that way today, but I am hoping that he wakes up without complications and we are out of that hospital before we know it!

I’ll update this afternoon.

Blessings,

Angie

20 minutes in HE**, a bomb and Bennett

2010-10-04T22:54:00.001-05:00

It’s been a very long couple of weeks for us…but, this last week brought the greatest amount of anxiety provoking instances.

Hhmmmm…where to begin.

I’ll start with the bomb…

It came last Wednesday as I was leaving TCH for the wrap up of Ellie’s clinical trial for denufosol. The study went great and Ellie was a model patient throughout the study. She was compliant with each of her three daily treatments and she even took them all by herself! Such a big girl. Anyway, getting back on track to the bomb…

So, about thirty minutes after leaving the hospital my cell phone rang. I assumed it was our study nurse, but it ended up being the kiddos CF nurse. She was ready to read me the results of Cullen’s fecal study. I didn’t pay close attention because I NEVER-IN-A-MILLION-YEARS expected to get anything but a normal stool sample report.

And…insert BOMB drop here….

**Cullen tested below the low-normal range to be considered pancreatic sufficient. Which you guessed it…makes our little angel pancreatic insufficient. On top of being completely unprepared to hear this we are now frantically scrambling to see what this will mean for him in the future. There is some great educational information in the article I linked above…please read it if you know us, but don’t know CF well because it will give you glimpse of what CF can look like. To all of the CF’ers out there that will read this…it kind of paints a dark picture of CF, but I thought some of the information was very interesting.

So, after frantically calling Somer, crying A LOT and talking with the dietician(who suggested I increase protein and calories, but not Fat) we are going to reevaluate his stool next week when he goes in for infant PFT’s…and pretty much breastfeed him until he is like an adult! Not really, but breast milk is the VERY best for kiddos that are insufficient because it breaks down on its own making it’s fats and nutrients easily absorbed by the CFer that is insufficient and doesn’t require enzymes. We will continue breastfeeding well beyond the first year even though the introduction of solids.

I’ve said it before…this disease SUCKS. Just because we don’t look sick doesn’t mean there isn’t that one bug waiting to jump on a little bacteria and wreak havoc on the old respiratory system. In addition to his stool report they discovered that Cullen cultured klebsiella in his sputum culture. WOW! That was a fun one to research…I’m holding my breath that no other little bacteria friends find this klebsiella and take a trip into Cullen’s respiratory system…

My life is now a series of worries about things I can see and NOW things I cannot see! Fantastic!

So, Thursday flies by without a hitch…and then comes Friday.

Friday, Friday, Friday…

Well, Friday started by packing a yummy lunch so that we could head to “Bennett’s Park” for the day with our friends. I made goodies at home and then drove through Chick.fil.a for Ellie’s treats. We made it to the overcrowded park, but didn’t let the crowds detour us or our plans. We had a blast picnicking with Ayden and Kaitlin and even the strange man who emerged from the men’s restroom wearing a dingy cookie monster costume.

NO: he wasn’t part of any kids birthday party

NO: he didn’t know anyone currently playing in the park

NO: he didn’t stick around long…after a short jaunt through the part he was off to a car waiting for him in the parking lot and off they went…

Strange? Absolutely!!! My luck…right?

After two hours of ~~sweating to death outside~~ happily playing outside with our kiddos, Kaitlin and I decided to head to the mall.

Five minutes later I was parked in the front of Ma.cy’s and exiting my car to enter the back seat and console Cullen. I had my keys in my hand and entered the back seat of my car. After stroking Cullen’s head and talking for a minute he calmed down and I exited the back door leaving my keys on the diaper bag and entered the rear of my SUV to get the double stroller.

I grabbed the stroller, set it up and went back to Cullen’s side of the car to get him first and…it was Locked!I ran to the rest

of the doors and they were all locked as well.

Both of my babies were in my car that was OFF and they were LOCKED in it!

I freaked out.

Kaitlin tried to calm me down…bless her heart…I just couldn’t!

I ran into Ma.cy’s while Kaitlin stayed with the babies and yelled at the first person I could see that my babies were locked in my car and we needed emergency assistance immediately.

Within seconds security personnel from the store were outside as well as a very sweet man that I ran up to screaming HELP ME PLEASE MY BABIES ARE IN MY CAR AND IT’S LOCKED…I am sure he thought I was nuts, but he was a wonderful Christian man and he stayed through the entire fiasco.

So, before the fire truck got there several people tried to get Ellie to unlock her Bri.tax car seat and it just wasn’t going to happen. Cullen was SCREAMING and Ellie just sat there very calmly stroking his cheek and reading her chick.fil.a book we got in her kids meal…pretty much the whole time they were in the car. One of the only times I looked into the car I saw sweat beads forming on Cullen’s head the size of dimes and that was when I totally fell apart.

This instance was truly a living nightmare. The only time I can recall that fear is the day we got “the call” from Bennett’s doctor saying they were going to try to keep him alive so we could say goodbye.

Debilitating fear…

Adrenaline…

A million prayers…

That’s what I felt at that time.

At 16 minutes of the babies being in the car the firemen were trying everything they possibly could to get in my car. NOTHING was working.

After 20 minutes I told them to break a window. I didn’t want my babies in that car one more second.

Before I even knew what was happening I distracted my precious little angels and the firemen busted the back window on the opposite side of the car.

I ran over there and tried to open the door to get Cullen out, but they still couldn’t get the doors open. Finally, they did and I opened Ellie’s door and ripped Cullen from his car seat. I can’t even remember who got Ellie. We immediately went to Kaitlin’s car (who happens to be a NICU nurse) and got the babies checked out. I had to strip Cullen down b/c his outfit was soaked and we gave him water in order to get fluids in him quickly. Ellie checked out just fine and actually the firemen said that they had never seen such a little girl stay so calm and take care of a smaller sibling. They suggested I reward her in whatever way we typically reward her. DONE!!!

The rest of the story is just as bizarre, but I’ll spare you the details!

The babies were both fine and very tired from the days drama!

B got my window fixed that day at the dealership and $520 later we discovered I could have just called Onstar!!! Oh well! I’ll know for next time I do something totally stupid!

The saving grace for my babies was their guardian angel Bennett and the fact that it was only 87 degrees that day!

Speaking of Bennett…Ellie has been speaking TO him several times this past week.

Thursday, while I was cooking breakfast Ellie stood up on her stool and told me that Cullen was in the living room talking to Bennett. (Cullen was in his swing cooing away)

She went on to introduce Cullen to Bennett and so on. Chills were running up and down my arms.

On Friday, she told me Bennett was very excited we were going to see him at his park…

Then today as we were leaving for gymnastics she stood at the front door turned back toward the house and said, “Bye bye Bennett, I love you.”

Chills…

She told me in the car that Bennett is living in the flowers…he likes the pink ones she says!

Innocence…

I am so blessed.

So, after all of that my precious little miracle man had a milestone day today…4 months old.

1/3 of a year old

122 days old

My precious little fat man is getting so very big…and losing his hair along the way!

Pictures to come soon…

Blessings,

Angie

Picture overload!

2010-09-16T00:50:00.001-05:00

First fourth of July as a family of 4 with our angel watching over us.

Precious teeny tiny hiney! 7-6-10

Ellie’s first bowling party!

Family visits are always fun…

Uncle Tim

Auntie C

Uncle Tim and cousin Chelsey

Uncle Gabe and the kiddos with B

Auntic C and her babies.

Oh, so precious before a doctor appoitmentl

Going to the circus with friends!!!

family vacation at Moody Gardens 2010

swimming at The Palm Beach

meeting Mr. Frog at the rainforest pyramid

Hanging out with daddy in the hotel room

Exploring

Back home..at the park with friends.

Cullen 8 weeks old…

Random cuteness…

Ellie’s first day of homeschool!

This handsome man…

2010-09-15T23:12:00.001-05:00

Is a total miracle.

He is funny…and chubby…and a dream come true.

One year ago on October 10th, while I was laying on an OR table at the IVF clinic this was the conversation I had with my fertility doctor:

Dr: Angie, our of your 15 embryos, 13 have CF, 1 is a carrier and 1 is undeterminable. Of the ones with CF we suggest you only consider implanting the ones with R117H and of those you only have 3.

Me: (with a lump in my throat and tears spilling onto the operating table) Well, I want to implant 2 embryos, so I guess transfer the carrier (30% implant chance) and transfer the undeterminable embryo (about a 70 % chance of implantation).

Dr: (after leaving the room to call the geneticist) You know that if this undeterminable embryo is a male and he has CF he will most likely be infertile.

Me: I’ve read that…that is a chance WE are willing to take.

I walked out of the hospital that day scared to death that all of my dreams had just been thrown out of the window. I had zero confidence that we would make it through that IVF cycle with a viable pregnancy, let alone this precious little miracle man that is snoring next to me right now. I didn’t care what was wrong with our baby AS LONG as we actually had a baby.

We jumped through every possible hoop in order to A) get pregnant and B) get pregnant with a baby that was not affected with CF.

We prayed and prepared ourselves, but I don’t think anything ever prepares you for the news we got yesterday.

On September 14, 2010 we got the call that I had obviously NOT prepared myself well enough for.

Our miracle, Cullen Spencer Kahl, does have CF.

Just writing those words kills me a little inside.

Guilt.

Shame.

Fear.

I felt all of those emotions. Guilt for “doing this” to him, shame for being so selfish about wanting to have another baby that I would risk CF again, and fear about how his mutations will present as he grows older.

Cullen has the same two mutations as Ellie, but they are the only two known cases with this combination of mutations. So, we don’t have much info on the history of the mutations together. Ellie has become progressively more symptomatic and with each infection she takes longer to recover and requires more intervention and medications. This last virus turned into a bacterial infection and lasted 4 weeks and took 3 rounds of antibiotics.

This disease is so rare and misunderstood that we really feel alone a lot of the time. We are talked about for skipping out of birthday parties and group gatherings by friends and even family members. People assume because you look healthy you must be healthy. Most outsiders aren’t capable of understanding how an infection affects our family. Deductibles, meds, sleeping apart, it is all a part of our world when there is even a sniffle in anyone’s nose. I’m blessed b/c I have made some great friends through this blog as well as a handful of close friends that all understand where we are coming from. It’s nice to feel like we aren’t crazy for taking the precautions we take for the sake of our family.

The wind was knocked out of my sails yesterday. However, at least we know about Cullen’s disease early and we already know the “ropes” a little. The director of the CF clinic happens to be the kiddos pulmonologist as well. She called us personally yesterday to deliver the news and arranged for us to be at Texas Children’s today to get Cullen started in clinic. Also, she was super concerned with Ellie’s poor response to the three antibiotics she was given so our baby girl had to go in for a chest xray as well.

Stats:

Cullen: 14.9 lbs (72%), 24 in (40%)

Ellie: 38.9 lbs (80%), 39 in (72%)

Ellie showed some thickening in the walls of her lungs when compared to the last xray. She also cultured strep G and ecoli in her last culture. The doctor chose to start her on cipro and recheck in a few weeks. Cullen has his first PFT in November and I am super worried about it because they sedate him for it! Ellie is also starting on a denufosol study next week.

I can truly say that this disease is a very real part of our daily life. Yes, we still have to live our lives, but having three people in one house with CF will present many challenges for our family. I feel like just when B and I were starting to let our guard down a little bit with Ellie we put it up “bigger and badder” to protect all of us.

This is our reality. We have made it through so much and I know we will make it through this too. I’m pretty sure our family motto is going to be: Never a dull moment!

The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands.

Psalm 138:8

Blessings,

Angie

Take it from me…

2010-09-08T10:51:00.001-05:00

I heard a story a few months after Bennett died from a friend of mine.
It was a story of a little 3 year old boy that wanted a snack before bedtime.

His mom agreed and went to the fridge to prepare a snack of green grapes for him. She ran to use the restroom and he followed with his snack in hand. He was standing directly in front of her popping the grapes in his mouth one at a time when the unthinkable happened…the grape lodged itself in his throat.

He panicked…

His mom panicked…

And his dad called 911 while trying to save his son’s life.

For 15 minutes while they waited for EMS to arrive they tried to dislodge the grape, unfortunately it was in a position in the little boys esophagus where it could neither move down or be forced out. Due to the lack of oxygen for so long the little boy was pronounced brain dead at the hospital.

This story has always haunted me. If you know me personally, I have probably told you this story before. What a total nightmare. I remember thinking when I heard the story that I would never give Ellie grapes…EVER! However, let’s face it that isn’t realistic. So, as a solution I always cut grapes in half when Ellie eats them. Always!

Well, last night I wanted a snack before bedtime, so I got up and washed red grapes. I brought them into our bedroom where Ellie was waiting to snuggle. I did not cut the grapes this time because I was being lazy (and Cullen was crying to be held), but I showed Ellie how to bite them in half and only eat one half at a time. She was doing exactly what I told her to do…when a grape got lodged in her throat and she began to choke.

Horror!

The adrenalin shot through my body and all I could yell at Brandon was, “She’s choking!!!” over and over again. I threw her head forward, put Cullen in the middle of my bed and watched as Brandon repeatedly hit her back in an attempt to have Ellie cough up the grape. I don’t remember how many times he had to do that…maybe 8-9 times. Each time my body began to shake even more. She couldn’t cry until that grape FINALLY popped out onto our sheets and I cried just as hard as she did while I sat on the bed holding her. It was a total nightmare that had come true. Between her screams, Ellie made it very clear that she, “Never wants to eat Gwapes again!!!”

So, please take it from me: Always cut up your grapes into fourths. Ellie’s grape was bitten in half and the piece was so small we would have never assumed it could get stuck. My baby girl is over 3 1/2 and can eat anything. This was an accident and it can happen to anyone at anytime.

I promise a picture update soon!!! I am in over my head this week as usual, but I will take the computer to bed at some point and upload pics!!!

I had to share this pic of my beauty. This was taken the last week in May and Ellie was on her way to dress rehearsal for her ballet recital. She LOVED wearing makeup for her very first time!!!

Blessings,

Angie

You know you are sick when…

2010-08-24T19:06:00.001-05:00

You find yourself at the grocery store buying ingredients to make soup two days in a row and it is 99 degrees outside!

The smell of lysol masks the four new Hawaiian breeze plug-ins you just replaced through the house.

You wash your hands 10 times a day and follow it up with germ-x.

Your couch has turned into a mini bed in order to not spread germs to hubby and daughter

Your AC is set on 70, but you still sweat b/c your fever broke…again.

There is a laundry back-up of towels and linens due to the vomit and number of showers you have taken to “wash the germs away”.

You forget about the calories in OJ and gatorade and drink them anyway…praying that they flush the toxins out of your system.

You are too weak to pick up your child’s infant carrier.

You pray in the elevator of the pediatrician’s office to please not vomit while you are in public.

Your usual hearty appetite is replaced with the appetite of a 2 year old.

There are Kleenex boxes, thermometers, bottles of lysol and hand sanitizer randomly placed throughout your house.

It truly looks like a tornado went through each and every room of your house b/c you don’t have the energy to pick one single item up.

That’s right folks…momma is sick! Very, very sick! Not only am I sick, but Ellie and Cullen are as well. Thankfully, Cullen hasn’t had a super high fever, but he has been vomiting every day and refuses to be put down or to sleep alone. Sweet Ellie woke up again this morning violently ill. So, off to the doctor we went…again!

Diagnosis: Virus

However, because of her other symptoms and the fear that this bug will get into her lungs they also prescribed an antibiotic for her. I started one last night too and it seemed to dry up my head, but did nothing for the achy body and weakness. It is truly impossible to be sick with two kiddos. Praise God, Brandon came home when I called him this morning and helped get the kids to the pedi and was able to help out with them at home. I honestly can’t remember the last time I was this sick and I know I couldn’t have done it alone today.

The bottom line is that I have terrible anxiety about Cullen and Ellie getting sick. I have been so worried about Cullen getting sick because he is still so small. UGH…it’s times like this that my demons come back to haunt me.

I have so many commitments that I have fallen behind on already and I am stressing hard about this weekend. I am PRAYING that I feel better tomorrow and that my babies are on the mend as well.

Blessings,

Angie

CF clinic report

2010-08-21T18:49:00.001-05:00

Well, we survived CF clinic! The trip was long, but the report was good.

After our weigh in, B and I came to the conclusion we will NOT have petit children! Ellie is 38 lbs and 39 inches tall. She is in the 75% for both weight and height!!! Cullen is now 13 lbs and…I forgot to ask how long…boo! She did say that he is in the 75% for weight and 50% for height! Short and chubby…just like Ellie was as a baby! We DO grow ‘em big!

I was under the impression they were going to start PFT’s this time, but her doctor said that she wanted to wait until after Ellie’s 4th birthday. Ears and lungs were clear despite the sniffle Ellie came down with Thursday evening. We talked about daily routine with the social worker, met with the nurse, doc and clinic coordinator and then it was off to the lab to have blood drawn from both of our babies.

After a quick trip to the gift shop to buy one of every single type of candy, we were off to the lab. Ellie was fantastic last time and didn’t even realize they were drawing her blood. This time was different! However, because the nurse applied emla cream to her arm she really didn’t feel any pain, it was just a little scary to be held down by mommy and a nurse for the actual procedure. I am pretty sure the Skittles and blow pop helped too. I would have had B take pics, but he was busy trying not to pass out! Cullen is ALWAYS very dramatic when it comes to his body and needles, so he was MUCH worse than Ellie! He recovered quickly though and before we knew it (4 hrs after arriving!) we were on our way home.

I decided that it was time for some alone time (after a super long week), so I went to have a mani/pedi with good friends and then we went to dinner! Fun times!!

Ellie still sounded a little congested, but since her CF doctor wasn’t worried I decided I would relax too.

This morning we woke up and attended a birthday party and this afternoon we hung out with friends while daddy went to play golf. About half way through our fun day I put my hand on Ellie’s head and discovered she had a fever! YUCK! So, we packed up our goodies and headed home where she is now napping on the couch.

So, here we are. EVERY.SINGLE.YEAR in August Ellie gets sick and this trend will continue until February. It stinks, but truly this has been her trend for the last two years. She usually ends up at the doctor about every 4 weeks and has made four trips to TCH the last two winters as well. Not fun at all, but it comes with the territory as a CF’er I guess. I finally got to the point where I was able to relax when Ellie got sick, but now I have my little man to worry about. I am super stressed that he will end up sick too and I know if he were to get a fever I would probably have a nervous breakdown! Please pray for a quick recovery for our little princess and minimal spreading of the yucky germs!!!

I am just going to think of this situation with my cup half full attitude: At least this means we get to stay in all day tomorrow and relax!

Now, I’m off to Lysol my entire house!!!

Blessings,

Angie

Our busy life…

2010-08-19T12:23:00.001-05:00

Just keeps getting busier!!!

I remember thinking after Ellie and Bennett were born that all of the frantic rushing around back and forth from the hospital was going to wear me down. I wished (a few times!) that I was still on bed rest, relaxing and growing those precious little ones.

After 7 months on bed rest with Cullen I didn’t think I would EVER wish to still be stuck in that bed…however, I am wishing just that right now!

I’m REALLY not complaining. I am VERY blessed to be as busy as I am with orders and I wouldn’t trade the busy life as a stay at home mommy for ANYTHING in the entire world. It’s just a fact that there are so many hours in one day and I have too many things to accomplish in one day to get it all done.

HOMESCHOOLING: I am starting to stress about being Ellie’s teacher and praying that I am able to teach her appropriately. Although the plans I started writing were for five days of instruction we are going to modify that for three days of instruction (still getting it all in though). With Cullen still so small I was on the hunt to hire someone to come in those three days to keep him. I mentioned that to Biddy and she jumped at the idea of taking care of him while Ellie is “at school”. God Bless her! I am hoping it works out to have her here Tuesday and Thursday (I’ll do it alone on Wednesdays) b/c I really do feel most comfortable having her watch Cullen. So, just as soon as the trapezoid table is delivered, I pick up the easel I ordered from Lake.shore, and we get the room organized, we will be starting school! Say some prayers for us!!!

WORK: We have come a long way since the twins were born. Knowing both of our personalities I can’t believe B and I took the risks we did by leaving education at the same time! To be fair, the district TOLD me I had to either retire or come back to work only two weeks after the twins were born b/c I had already had to much time off being on bed rest. I hated having my back up against the wall like that, but I was not going back to work with my babies laying in hospital beds and undergoing surgeries. B left education to give our family a better shot at me being a stay at home mom and in the last three and a half years he has done just that (and he more than doubled the amount of time he gets to spend with his babies by not coaching!!!). After Bennett died, I decided to start my business because back then I absolutely had to work. Now, I have three great clients (stores in the Houston area) and that keeps me busier than I can even keep up with. Now, my priorities have changed and teaching Ellie (and raising Cullen) must be the number one priority. So, currently I am working on balancing how to teach Ellie and keep up with my commitments to the stores all at the same time. It’s just life and it will all work out. It’s just stressful FIGURING it out!

Then we have the house. My type A personality needs to have our house orderly and clean at all times. When it gets out of control I start to lose control! I find myself getting up earlier and staying up later to try and get it organized, but usually I just end up spinning my wheels!

Never mind the cooking, dieting, working out, party planning and shower attending I have scheduled.

DOCTOR: Then there are the doctor visits…planned and spontaneous alike! Two weeks ago for Cullen’s shots, this week b/c I thought Ellie had a UTI and then yesterday, Ellie woke up vomiting! I checked my schedule and low and behold I didn’t have time for a vomiting child! Alas, I quarantined her to the guest bathroom with her TV, movies, water color book and brush, chalk board and chalk, popsicles, juice, pedialite, and soup. B and I took turns checking on her with me being Cullen’s primary caretaker. FUN times! Thank goodness that by 11 am she seemed like nothing had ever happened. I instructed her to stay in her bedroom or the bathroom just in case it was going to strike again. I finished a big order and took off across town to deliver. By the time I got home that evening she was walking out of her bedroom with her bathing suit on backwards telling me she was ready to go swimming! Then, last night, Cullen had an exorcism episode which I am thinking was reflux related and not stomach bug, but who really knows! So, now tomorrow we are off to Texas Children’s to spend ALL DAY at the CF clinic for both of of babies. Ellie will be performing her first PFT’s along with clinic and Cullen will be seen in clinic and then off to have blood drawn…ugh! And, because we have so much free time I consented to Ellie participating in a denufosal medical trial in two weeks! That will mean frequent clinic visits and treatments 3 times a day for at least a week. Nope, that wasn’t on the schedule either, but if it means approval for the use of a drug that will help kiddos with CF in Ellie’s age group then sign us up!

Well, this post didn’t go in the direction I originally planned, but purging my stresses has actually made me feel a little better! Now I’m off to do what I really had planned for the day: kiddos, laundry, orders, ballet and then HAPPY HOUR!

Look for a picture post to come soon. Cullen has tripled in size (not really) and Ellie is growing up so fast it brings tears to my eyes! My baby girl can actually WRITE her own name!!! (it doesn’t always end up in a linear order, but hey, she’s got the letters down at least!)

As busy at it is, our life is great! I wake up daily thanking my God for the path he has chosen for our lives.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with My eye.

Psalm 32:8

Blessings,

Angie

A HUGE honor…

2010-08-11T14:46:00.001-05:00

As all of you know, Brandon and I are HUGE supporters of the March of Dimes and we are blessed with friends and family that have become just as dedicated.

My relationship with the march of dimes actually began as a young girl. My dad was a partner at the time with a large corporation that supported the march of dimes each year. I have vivid memories of wearing his team shirt and ~~struggling~~ sailing though the very long walk year after year. I always loved the snacks along the walk path and the lunch his company provided at the end of the walk…if you know me you know how I LOVE food!!!

Now, some 20 years later, (as fate would have it) this organization has become more than a yearly walk, a cool shirt and good food…it has become a part of my family and my life. It has become a representation of the child we lost, the beautiful little girl that has blessed our lives for the last three years and the son that now sleeps in a crib in our bedroom. It is forever a part of us.

You can imagine how honored I was to receive an invitation to be the spokesperson for the NICU Family Support Program at The Woman’s Hospital of Texas. The March of Dimes has teamed up with the same hospital that we turned our tragedy into triumph to create a support program for all of the families that will ever face the NICU rollercoaster again.

I am thrilled (and a little nervous) to announce that I will be speaking at the Women’s Hospital of Texas’ annual Labor of Love luncheon. Coincidentally, my mother and I have participated in this show for the last three years together as vendors at their boutique bazaar! It is an amazing ladies day out with fantastic shopping, a great lunch and amazing style show!

B keeps asking me if I have started preparing my speech and if I am nervous about speaking in front of so many people. The answers: ummm NO and kind of! (I hope this doesn’t make the girls at the MOD nervous!!!)

I remember when Bennett died, our good friend and youth pastor, Donny, asked me to please have a back up just in case I couldn’t get through my speech at the funeral. He was shocked when it was over that I 1.) made it through and 2.) Didn’t bawl the entire way through it!

I think this is because I really wanted everyone in that room to hear what Bennett meant to Brandon and me. I imagined I was just talking to each person in that room one on one and I was telling them from my heart what he meant to me.

I can imagine doing something similar at the luncheon. Speaking from the heart about what the March of Dimes has meant to our family over the past three and a half years. Don’t get me wrong…I know I need to prepare an outline and I will write out most of my thoughts just to have them organized! Who am I kidding…my type A personality will rear its ugly head for sure!!!

I am excited to have this opportunity and I owe it all to the girls at the March of Dimes for making it possible! Over the past few years they have gone from acquaintances to friends. So, thank you! I feel blessed to have this opportunity and I pray that I don’t make a complete fool out of myself that day!!!!

The fact that the March of Dimes was such an important part of my life as a child and has become so important to our family now is no coincidence in my eyes…and this scripture sums it all up:

All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.

Psalm 139:16

The reason we support the MOD: our 3 miracles

Blessings,

Angie

8 weeks old…

2010-08-05T22:45:00.001-05:00

Really, how does two months fly by that fast? I mean, when I was pregnant I couldn’t get two months to go by half that fast…and now that Cullen is here the time is just passing me by.

Our trip to the doctor was LONG! 2 1/2 hours to be exact. Cullen hated the shots and screamed the entire 35 minutes home…poor baby.

Happy 2 month birthday little man!!!

Cullen, my sweet little fat man…you are a true blessing that makes my heart smile. The last two months have been a dream come true. You are the most wonderful baby in the world. (Yes, Bennett and Ellie, I did say HE was the most wonderful because…he actually sleeps at night and takes naps during the day and he hasn’t caused me 30 heart attacks in his first two months of life!)

At 6 weeks old you were 10.4 pounds! Cullen, at 8 weeks you now weigh 12.1 pounds (59%)!!! You are 23 inches long which puts you in the 53% for length. You are growing so fast I think you actually change from the time you wake up in the morning to the time we put you to bed at night.

You have outgrown your infant sling that fit inside of your bath tub and now you just sit in the tub like a little old man! It is hilarious to see your big belly resting on your legs every night in the bath. I told you yesterday that you should be ashamed of the amount of food you request daily due to your current size…you didn’t care! You still aren’t crazy about having your hair washed, but you have so much of it that we wash it daily. We are even drying it with a hairdryer now! It’s hilarious!!!

You are now wearing 0-3 months clothes and I am really afraid that you will soon outgrow them. I LOVE playing dress up with you. It is fun to experiment with your clothes to see what will fit from day to day. I have struggled with how to accessorize your wardrobe, but fear not, I have found that looking for really cool socks makes any little boy outfit a little cuter! Your daddy put you in your brothers surf doggie sleeper last night and it looked adorable on you!

You are in size 1-2 diapers. I think they only sell them at Sam.s and I like them b/c you are WAY too small for size 1 diapers, but I’m pretty sure the size 2’s would still be a little large. Then again…maybe not!

You put yourself on your very own schedule!!! You like to sleep six hours at night, wake up to eat, get a clean diaper and then you are out for another 4-5 hours. It’s awesome! Then you go down for a morning, afternoon and sometimes an early evening nap. You LOVE your sound machine. We even have a portable one that is attached to your car seat.

You have horrible reflux, but so did your brother and sister. We tried preva.cid, but daddy and I don’t think it really helped you out. We tried giving you organic gripe water and it is like a miracle drug! You still reflux, but not as often…

You like tummy time which is fun because Ellie hated it! Ellie loves to get on the floor of your room with you and play.

At 6 weeks and a few days you really started smiling. Now, you smile almost every time I speak to you. You LOVE morning time and I usually get you to talk to me every 4am feed. I love it!!! You giggle and coo and it just melts my heart every single time. You are so amazing!!

first smile And look at you now!

You are currently working very hard to learn how to suck your thumb. Your brother did the exact same thing and he was eventually successful. I will continue to ~~shove~~ gently place the ~~ugly~~ pastel green sooth.ie paci in your mouth because I know you will thank me in the long run from saving you from becoming a thumb sucker! Although, I do think it is absolutely adorable to watch you work SO VERY HARD to get that fat little thumb in that tiny mouth!!!

We have done so much with you and you seem to be a pretty laid back little man. You only really cry if your pants are dirty or if you need to eat…which seems to be very often! And there have been a few times that you have demanded to be held in the sling while I cook dinner…let’s not make that a habit!

You have been shopping and you slept in your seat while I pushed you and sister in the BOB.

You have been to Mimi’s a million times and on our last visit I actually put your feet in the pool and you loved it!

You went on your first family vacation to Moody Gardens in Galveston. We stayed close to home since you were only 7 weeks old, but you did great! You were a little angel at the Palm Beach. We rented a private cabana for the day and you just slept, ate and slept again! You got a little grouchy when you realized they didn’t have a rocking chair, but we improvised and it all worked out.

Cullen, the last two months have been a dream come true. I literally thank God out loud 10 times a day for you.

I love the way you hold onto my necklace when I hold you.

I love the way your hair smells in the morning.

I love the way you talk back to me when I make noises at you.

I love how you grin from ear to ear when I tell you I love you.

I love how I can scoop you up when you are crying and you instantly stop.

I love how you look right into my eyes and I know you know how much I love you.

I love you…every single little part of you.

You are our wonderful and perfect little miracle man. You are what makes us complete.

All my love forever and ever,

Mommy

I always thank my God for you and for the gracious gifts He has given you...

I Corinthians 1:4

What have we been up to…

2010-08-04T22:28:00.001-05:00

What haven’t we been up to is a question with a much shorter answer!

Raising kiddos…check!

Busy filling orders…check!

Family vacation…check!

Dieting and working out…well, 1/2 check. Dieting is a yes. Working out is a no, as I recently broke my toe. OUCH!

Setting up Ellie’s homeschooling room…check!

Planning a shower for the little brother and his fiancé…check!

Writing a speech to be delivered at the march of dimes Labor of Love luncheon…check!

Keeping up with the blog…ummmm NO!

So, there you have it. My plate is so full right now and unfortunately, when that happens the blog suffers.

As you can see we are busy little people around here. Ellie is on a two week break from ballet right now, so that gives us free time on Thursdays which I can’t decide is a good or bad thing! I never thought I would be the parent that LOVED having that 45 minutes of “free” time, but I am and I do! Although, it’s not really free time b/c we sit right there watching and I still have the little fatty with me.

Speaking of the little fatty…he is HUGE! I am waiting on his 8 week post b/c we are going to the doctor tomorrow and I plan on updating at that time. I am going to put it out there that I think he is in the neighborhood of 13 pounds at least. He is such an awesome little guy and I can’t tell you how many times a day I thank God for this precious little man. He hasn’t lost a single hair on his head and I am pretty sure it has just grown since birth.

I have a lot of updating to do, but I have decided to dedicate a blog for each exciting event rather than one ultra long post. So, tomorrow will be the first in my series of updates and it will be about Cullen and his first 8 weeks of life…hard to believe he is already 2 months old. Heartbreaking…

Blessings,

Angie

It’s been one of “those” days…

2010-07-12T17:42:00.001-05:00

I DID have a great post ready for today. I had some fun things to share about changes that are happening in our home.

Then, today happened. And I have to share about this day b/c all of the moms out there can sympathize with me…and because I want it documented when I turn these blogs into a book!

I woke up at 7:30 because Ellie has gymnastics on Monday’s and it literally takes me 2 hours to get ready and out the front door.

I was super excited when I was running 20 minutes early b/c it meant I could run into Starbucks to get a coffee since our coffee machine bit the dust. Getting two kiddos out of the car isn’t ideal, but I really needed coffee!!!!

Gym was fun as usual and from there we were headed to pay our water bill. I haven’t seen a bill since Cullen was born and that concerned me b/c it’s been 5 weeks. All is fine with the bill, but I sure didn’t have a checkbook to pay it!!! Good thing it’s not late yet! So, a trip all the way out of my way for nothing!

As I left, Ellie dumped her chocolate milkshake from Starbucks all over my backseat. Detour to Mr. Carwash for a shampoo and an expensive car wash I didn’t really need.

A quick stop at Carters because Cullen has outgrown all of his NB onesies that he sleeps in. I was JUST going to stop for jammies for him and ended up spending a lot of money I didn’t really intent to spend. OOPS!

Then it was off to Target. Ellie has blisters on her big toes from swimming this weekend and I needed to get her water shoes. As I was pulling into a spot I had to stop abruptly b/c there was a woman getting out of her car door as I did that there was an idiot…I mean woman…backing out of a spot across the main isle from me. She didn’t stop and I did, so she ran smack into the back of my drivers side. I could have died. I knew what happened as soon as I heard the crunch. Thankfully, my babies weren’t hurt b/c we weren’t moving, but I was still shaken up.

The woman exited her car and immediately said it wasn’t her fault…I don’t think she understands the right of way rules. I told her to just wait a minute while I called my husband. I have never been in an accident, so I had no clue what to do. My husband the amateur race car driver has been in his fair share, so I knew he would know what I needed to do. I had her give me her insurance print out and I copied all of her info down. I only gave her my name and phone number and then I sat in the parking lot and cried for about 5 minutes! Needless to say, I didn’t make it into Target to buy the water shoes…maybe tomorrow.

By the time this fiasco was over with and I made it home I had 15 minutes to get Ellie and Cullen changed and fed before we had to leave for swim lessons. Naturally, the guest room toilet would pick this moment to back up…par for the course! By the grace of God we made it to the lessons on time and safe!

Finally, we got home for the day. However, as Ellie was exiting my car she hit her head on the corner of my car door…hard! So, a frozen ouchie pad to the rescue and here we are.

B’s advice: Take your left palm and rest it on your right shoulder blade…take your right palm and rest it on your left shoulder blade…now squeeze really tight and imagine it’s me giving you a big hug.

My response: I’ll see you in a minute…I’ll be the one drinking the glass of red wine!

So, I’m off to do just that!

Blessings,

Angie

What might have been…

2010-07-10T23:29:00.001-05:00

In the last week I have decided to acknowledge the fact that I have been struggling recently.

Sometimes, I will glance at Cullen and I’ll see Bennett’s eyes. I wonder if this is what Bennett MIGHT have looked like if he wasn’t constantly hooked up to machines and if he had been able to spend more time awake.

I find myself wondering if Bennett MIGHT have made the same grunting noises had he not had a vent tube in his mouth for over 4 months of his life.

I wonder if my arms MIGHT be the only ones that Bennett would have wanted to be consoled in…like Cullen.

I wonder if this is what Bennett would have looked like in this outfit…if he had ever had the chance to wear it.

I wonder if Bennett would have loved to nurse like this…

I wonder if he would have slept next to me in bed…

Lately, I find myself wondering what MIGHT have been…

Some people will take this the wrong way. I am not trying to compare…or wishing anything to be different. I just never prepared myself to go through these emotions. It never occurred to me that having another son would stir up these thoughts.

I think maybe this is just part of MY grieving process.

I feel like I finally have a second to process what we have been through these last three years and I am feeling like I now know what I have missed. And to be honest it is tough…very tough.

Cullen is the answer to so many prayers. All three of my babies are answers to a million prayers. I have missed Bennett terribly since the day he had the “episode”. While the reality of knowing he isn’t here anymore is with me daily, the raw pain slowly gets a little less.

Then all of a sudden I have this new life.

A different life.

A little boy life.

And it evokes a million memories that have deliberately been repressed over the last few years.

The pain is as fresh as it was the day he died.

Suddenly, three years feels like it happened yesterday.

None of this is BECAUSE of Cullen. It is simply because to function the last three years I had to push a lot of the pain and memories aside. Now, with this beautiful little boy I am forced to face my demons.

Step 1: Going through all of Bennett’s clothes to pick out what we would keep and use for Cullen.

Step 2: Delivering Cullen safely and bringing him home.

I am blessed. I love Cullen for just being Cullen. I love that he has a head of dark hair, dark blue eyes and that he has a squeaky cry. I love that he is here and he is healthy and he is OURS!

But, the truth is this battle has left me scarred. I have a lot to work through and I am just figuring that all out.

I think this is the beginning.

I think my babies are the start of my healing rain.

And I have all the confidence that God will guide me through this valley just as He has before.

He is already doing His work…acknowledging these feelings is the first step towards working through them.

So, in the meantime I am just going to sit her and rock my miracle boy…

And take my baby girl to have a spa day…

And watch Cullen wonder what that whirlwind, that is his sister, really is!!!

But, that doesn’t mean I won’t always have this angel on my mind…

Blessings,

Angie

I am SO blessed

2010-07-06T19:05:00.001-05:00

I have so much to say and so little time to say it these days!

I am in shock that Cullen is already 4 weeks old! The last month has been so full. Full of change and adjustments, love, a few tears, and sleepless nights, but above all it has been full of blessings.

Every single day spent with our family is a blessing to me.

Each time I am able to nurse my newborn son is a blessing to me.

Every diaper I change in the middle of the night is a blessing to me.

Every time I see Ellie hold Cullen or “soft” him is a blessing to me.

Our first outing to have newborn pics taken was a blessing.

The first trip to the doctor as a family was a blessing.

Every single day, even the ones that I can barely keep my eyes open through, are huge blessings to me. I am more in love with my life than I have ever been before.

All of the things I dreamed of doing with Ellie and Bennett I am now doing…with Ellie and Cullen. I LOVE being a mom and I really love being a mom to Ellie and Cullen together.

I have missed so many cute things that have happened in the last month, so I am now back on board with the blogging! Here is a quick (or not so quick) run down on what the last four weeks have been like.

Week 1 at home: We came home on Monday, June 7th at 4:30 in the afternoon. It was super emotional to be wheeled out of that hospital with our baby boy in my arms. I literally cried the entire way out, but I was so relieved to get in the car and get home! Funny thing though…we had given our house keys to our family and neighbors, so when we finally got home with our newborn baby…we didn’t have a key to get in the house!!! Thank goodness our neighbor was home and came running out with it for us! We got in our house and I immediately sat in the rocker with Cullen and just soaked up the moment. This was day 3 of life and my milk finally came in! With my milk came my hormones!!! I found myself crying hysterically because I missed being pregnant, but truthfully I think it just hit me all at once that our journey to having children is over and all of my first with Cullen will also be the last “firsts” I will ever have. I have wanted to be a mother for my entire life and if it were up to me I would have as many children as we could handle. However, this life is not mine to run, so I will just sit back and be grateful for the three miracle babies I have been blessed with. Night one at home was an early night to bed, but I quickly realized that I couldn’t climb into our tall bed, so I put Cullen in his cosleeper next to me as I set up bed on the couch. I did wake B up every time Cullen had to be changed because I was so afraid of the circumcision!!! (B was thrilled when it healed b/c I no longer woke him up in the middle of the night! Lucky man!) I realized the next morning that our neighbors has set up a whole surprise on our kitchen table with snacks, gifts and in our fridge we had HOMEMADE meals!!! Chris and Amy are wonderfully, thoughtful friends and we are blessed to have them as neighbors! The next few days were spent trying to recover (as well as I could with a toddler here). B did take off that week, but truthfully he worked every single day in our office here and I only bothered him a few times the whole week. My philosophy was “sink or swim” b/c I knew I would have both kiddos on my own the next week anyway! On Friday, June 11th we went on our first outing to Seabrook to have newborn pics taken. It was an exhausting day!!!

Home at last!

Week 2: B went back to work and I was on my own. Cullen started this week at 11 days old and lost his belly button! Still recovering, I spent the days keeping up with the house and laundry…you know between feeding my growing little man every 2 hours and giving my baby girl some attention!!! I moved back into our bedroom to sleep and if I left Cullen in the cosleeper he would sleep for an hour maybe an hour and a half. If I put him in bed with me he would sleep up to 4 hours!!! So, friends…he is sleeping in bed with me!!! I still try to make him start out in the cosleeper (it’s like a small pack n play), but he is still ending up sleeping with me. We did a picnic lunch at the park with friends that week and Ellie LOVED playing at the splash pad with them. Summer ballet also started that Thursday, so I got two kiddos ready and out the door to make it to ballet on time! As a treat B and I ate out with the family and our good friends that evening. That Friday was my two week postpartum check. Officially, I gained 19 pounds while I was pregnant and I had lost 21 pounds at my appointment that day! It was a great feeling!!! I still have 14 IVF pounds to lose though and then another 15 on top of that! My nurse Rory was thrilled to see Cullen and took off down the hall to show him off to the other girls in the office. I have to say that I absolutely LOVE the girls in my OB’s office. She told me that she waited ALL day on delivery day to get the news and that when there was the 5 hour wait (b/c my OB was running behind) she was anxiously waiting to hear about our little boy. I feel like I have friends in that office…not just a doctor and some nurses. I will miss them TERRIBLY when I don’t get to see them anymore. I got my steri strips taken off that day and went home to continue my recovery. That Friday also brought another Kahl baby into the world. Uncle Chris and Aunt Steppy welcomed baby Charlotte at 12:30 weighing in at 7lbs and 19 3/4 inches! What a beauty she is! The most difficult event this week was the 3rd year anniversary of Bennett’s death. I anticipated the day being difficult…I had no idea how hard it would truly be until we were there standing next to his grave…the 4 of us. B had a beautiful casket spray made for our Chunky Monkey along with a bouquet of white roses and 5 white balloons. There were a million emotions surging through my body. Sadness, gratefulness, love, fear…all at once. To stand there with Cullen made me feel like we had come full circle. I held onto B and our son and sobbed like a baby. Ellie came up to me and asked what was wrong. I tried to come up with an answer that she would understand, but I just couldn’t. Ellie looked up at me with her innocent eyes and said, “Mommy, do you want a flower? They make everything better.” Sure, baby…I would love a flower.

First trip to the park.

Bennett Day June 15, 2010

Cullen’s first Bennett Day

New cousins! The new family of three!!!

Week 3: Monday started with Cullen’s two week check up. We LOVE LOVE LOVE our new pedi. She was recommended to us through my CF doc b/c she is well versed in the world of CF. We were visited every single day in the hospital by the pedi which made this paranoid mother very happy too! Our first trip to her office made us even happier that we chose her! Cullen weighed in at 7.10 and was 20 inches long. His head, weight and length are all in the 25%. Strange for a baby that was SO BIG every week in utero. We were in and out in 15 minutes! I went on my first outing with the kiddos alone this week! I decided to go to the mall during the day (less crowded) to do some exchanging of outfits that Mimi had purchased for the Ellie and Cullen. I can’t even believe how much work it was to do that alone!!! I must have been crazy! My double stroller isn’t being delivered until next Tuesday, so I had Cullen in the sling and Ellie in the BOB along with three bags! I was sweating like crazy when I finally got into the mall!! It was a nightmare to have to take Ellie potty with Cullen in the sling and then have to change Cullen in the dressing room at Gap in Ellie’s stroller while she stood in the doorway! Oh, and then Cullen decided that he had to eat at that exact moment! Fun times! We made it though and both babies ended up with some adorable new clothes! Mark my words though…I will not be going anywhere alone until I have my double stroller! Ballet, gymnastics and swim lessons with two little ones are just about all I can handle on my own right now! We had Biddy watch Cullen for the first time this weekend and B and I went on a DATE!!! A real date!!! We went to a sports bar to watch the USA soccer game and we had a blast together! Biddy had a blast with her grandbabies and Ellie had a blast with her Biddy! This was the first time I really filled a bottle for Cullen to drink. I had fixed a few before this, but never because I was leaving him. I put 3 oz in each bottle b/c I didn’t want him to go hungry and he drank every drop of both bottles!!!

Ready to visit the doctor!

Fauxhawk! After bath time!

Week 4: Well, hurricane Alex decided to get close enough to dump a TON of rain on the city of H-town. We were home bound all week except for gymnastics and ballet. It was a blessing though b/c I am already back to work filling orders! UGH! No rest for the weary! We did get out for the 4th of July (which was Cullen’s one month birthday!!!) and Biddy kept Cullen at home for us. We took Ellie down the street to our friends house and we all had a blast! It was the longest amount of time I have left Cullen and I have to say I missed him terribly. I am trying to balance making time for B and Ellie and giving them their own attention without Cullen. It is tough for me because I would spend every second holding him if I could, but I know that isn’t healthy for any of us! I did feel so much anxiety about leaving him for that long and I don’t think it will happen again for a while!

Playing and grinning!

Celebrating the Fourth!

And here we are in Week 5! I can’t believe it. Ellie started swim lessons this week and she is having a swing set delivered on Thursday. We are getting another storm system, so I am afraid we may be housebound the rest of the week. Cullen is still playing games with me in the middle of the night if I dare put him in the cosleeper. So, basically that is just a resting spot for him during the day. At night, I’ll put him in there until his first feeding and then he is in bed with me. I would rather get 2 and a half hours of sleep between feedings that 1 1/2 hours! Call me selfish!!!

One month old!!!

So, my friends, that is what we have been up to. There are lots of things I am forgetting I am sure, but these are the highlights! I am in the process of typing Cullen’s birth story even though I feel like my husband did a beautiful job of recapping that wonderful day already!

I haven’t thanked any of you for your kind words after Cullen’s delivery. B and I are blessed people to have all of you in our lives. Near or far you all pulled us through our journey with your prayers and words of encouragement. We are so grateful for all of you!

Blessings,

Angie

A picture is worth a thousand words…

2010-06-14T14:54:00.001-05:00

Ellie’s last soccer game…Tuesday.

Play day with friends and a big sister mani/pedi…Wednesday.

Family dinner…Thursday night!

On our way to becoming a family of 4…Friday am!

The moms and Ellie Grace…Friday am.

Opening her big sister gifts wearing her big sister shirt!

NO MORE TERB!!! Coincidentally I pulled the terb pump out and started having contractions 3 minutes apart. Since the doc was running late they had to give me a terb shot in the holding room!!!

Still waiting…and then the time came to say good-bye to my baby girl.

Dr. Daddy reporting for duty!

Our miracle is born!

And he was crying!!!!

A healthy 7lbs 2oz…he went home weighing 6lbs 9oz.

And we finally meet…

I was overcome with emotion…I still am every time I look at him.

The proud daddy with his little boy for the first time.

The proud parents!!

The proud big sister and waiting family members.

Taking her little brother to THE GENERAL NURSERY!!!

The first time I got to see Cullen was at 10:45 that evening…I am so in love.

Our miracle boy!

Daddy’s little guy.

Getting ready to meet big sister for the first time.

Time to eat!

After 9 long months of waiting she finally understands what it was all for.

and she was in love, too!

Wait…who is the patient here?

Uncle Chris and Aunt Steppy…cousin Charlotte will be here any day.

Mimi and Biddy

Aunt Katie and Uncle Dave

Aunt Charlette and Aunt Taji

Cousin Chelsey with her big sister gift for Ellie Grace.

Seriously…we were only at the hospital for 3 days!!!

The girls waiting on the little man to go home!

Mommy with her babies. (can you see the exhaustion in my eyes!!!)

Our little man all dressed and ready to go.

A dream come true…

I really did cry the entire way out of the hospital!

Our family of 4…FINALLY!!!

How many college educated people does it take to figure out a car seat??? 3 in our case!

Freshly bathed and holding her baby brother.

Playing with her brother…

Getting ready for the first bath.

And it was not a big hit!

but we recovered.

First outing…at 7 days old we had newborn pics taken.

Ellie has been dying to have Cullen play on the floor with her…he was not amused!

Doing what they both do best!!!

Princess couldn’t be left out!

Relaxing in his swing…now if we had only remembered the batteries… :)

Birth story to follow. I used all of my free time for the day just getting these posted!!!

Do you know what tomorrow is?

I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers

Ephesians 1:16

Blessings,

Angie

Cullen Spencer Kahl has arrived!!!!

2010-06-05T02:44:00.001-05:00

Disclaimer: Daddy finally has permission to enter a post on the blog. Hopefully, I will be invited back, so please take it easy on a washed up English teacher.

So, 245 days disappeared as quickly as ice cream in our freezer. Really, as many of you know, it has been a very long road- but all has fallen to the wayside as our Cullen is here, and most importantly, he is healthy!

Angie and I spent the majority of our time last night and early this morning looking forward to today as children do Christmas. We rarely slept, engaged in conversation once we felt the other shuffle around in bed, and imagined what fun today would bring. Needless to say, we were not disappointed. Biddie and MiMi stayed the night and helped prep for departure at 10:00 this morning. Once we arrived at Women’s Hospital, and went through the lengthy check-in procedure, Angie and I found ourselves passing time before the 1:30 planned C-Section…check that, 3:00 C-section…and then waited longer until they took Angie in at 4:30. Apparently, there were a number of emergencies that came up beforehand, but let’s face it, we completely understand how the unthinkable happens.

I waited in the Father’s Waiting Room for a while until it was show time, and they called me back to the OR. Grossly overweight,and breathing heavily from running to position, I shuffled through the list of Angie’s requested videos and still pictures, and then I began following through with my obligation. To my surprise, Angie was awake and having a full-blown conversation with our OB, and cracking jokes about her attempt to keep us waiting another six hours until Angie was a full 37 weeks. Once Cullen was taken, I video taped for what seemed like hours, and then was working on swapping the video camera out to now take the still photos when something unexpected to us happened- Cullen began crying, screaming, almost roaring to us that he was alive and well. This is exactly what we had been praying for, to have a child who would be given the chance to start out free from assisted breathing, without the sounding monitor bells, and one who would not have to suffer through multiple injections/heel sticks. What a miracle! Cullen has very dark hair, and lots of it. After peeing on the nurse as she cleaned him off, he tipped the scales at a whopping 7lbs 2oz! Once they cleared his airways and swaddled him to snug, the nurse delivered him to Angie’s arms, and time stood still. That is, until the staff informed us Cullen was headed to the G E N E R A L nursery- the day keeps getting better…

We took a number of pictures in the OR, and will post them soon, but the real treat was to watch Ellie’s reaction to her baby brother. I followed the nurse down the hall to the waiting room, and once we were swarmed by family, I found Ellie beside Cullen’s bassinet, welcoming him to the family. Ellie went so far as to urge her Biddie to tell Cullen hello. When it was time to take Cullen to the nursery, his big sister was there to push the cart with the nurse. Ellie was so proud as she explained to the nurse who Cullen is and how she was going to take care of him.

As Angie was recovering, the family migrated to the general nursery to peer through the windows at our new baby boy. These were the windows we passed before having the twins, when we thought all babies were destined to pass through their doors, the same windows that seemed to be out of reach to any of our kiddos- how wrong we were. Our family was finally able to smile, laugh, and fill the room with the joyful rush that is having a baby- what a time! After a few trips between the nursery windows and to visit and update Angie, we were finally able to move to the room.

Biddie, MiMi, Ellie, and I were happy to see Angie being wheeled to the our final destination here at TWH. Soon we would be joined by Uncle Dave and Aunt Katy, who were kind enough to bring food for dinner, and they were able to stay and catch up for a while- what good times. Ellie has her first dance recital tomorrow, so both Grandmothers and Ellie had to leave soon after Ellie opened her ”Big Sister” goodie bags, which were a hit.

We heard a knock on the door about an hour after the ladies headed home, and we were then presented our son, bathed and wrapped to stay the night with us- WOW! Angie was finally able to hold and cuddle Cullen, and a few minutes later, Bennett and Ellie’s primary nurses dropped by to visit. We had a great time sharing this moment with all of our nurses from the past because they truly are family. These very special people were Bennett’s guardians when we had to leave him here in the hospital, they were our eyes, hands, and hearts when we were away. God put them in our lives for a reason, and they have been the best of friends since.

We are truly blessed. All guests have left our room, Cullen is swaddled and nursing in Angie’s bed, and I am lucky enough to document the day’s events. God is good! We have received well wishes, thoughts, and prayers from people we don’t even know. We have experienced the roller coaster that is prematurity. Most importantly, we have been able to bring beautiful children into this world to be loved and brought up to raise up to Him. Our circle is now complete.

Thanks for keeping up with us, offering up your prayers, and please continue to follow along with updates on our family.

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Psalms 118:24

A very humble, proud, and blessed man,

Brandon

A letter to my little girl

2010-06-03T23:43:00.001-05:00

Dear Ellie Grace,

In a matter of hours, our lives are going to change forever. This new life will be the only one you will remember. A life with mommy, daddy and Cullen. Before that happens I wanted to write about what the last three and a half years have meant to me with JUST you.

First, let me say you have forever changed my life and shown me what the meaning of true love is. You have given me more than I will ever be capable of sharing with you. You are the answer to many prayers and I will love you always and forever with all of my heart…my little best friend!

The night I met daddy I knew he was “the one.” Nine months later he asked me to marry him and a year and a half later (after we graduated from college!!!) we were married. We knew we wanted a family and we started trying three months later. We never expected the journey life would take us on over the next three and a half years.

With a million tears and hours of prayer, we found out we were pregnant with you and Bennett in June 2006.

We found out early that Bennett was a boy, but “baby B” was our mystery baby until I was 20 weeks pregnant. I remember days of being alone and praying that God would please have chosen one of my babies to be a girl. I desperately wanted to have that bond that only a mother and daughter feel. I wanted to play dress up, teach you how to wear make-up, watch you dance, get married and have babies.

The day we went in for the BIG ultrasound I was called back to the room alone. Mimi and daddy waited out in the waiting room. The nurse started and asked me if I wanted to know your gender or if I wanted to wait for daddy…I HAD to know, so I didn’t wait!

The moment the words, “It’s a GIRL” came out of her mouth tears spilled uncontrollably out of my eyes. My dreams had come true. First, we were going to have a family…and to know that we would have the best of both worlds was just beyond imaginable. I was in love!

A few short weeks later you were born. Tiny and helpless you looked at me through the plastic of an incubator. You had a scowl that told me you were not ready to be in the world just yet. Your jet black hair was long and straight and your skin was delicate and pink. You were a fighter at 2 1/2 pounds! For days we didn’t know if you would survive and then at a week old you were breathing on your own and building strength. Six weeks later you would come home with mommy and daddy…one of the best days of my life. You were dressed in a tiny white smocked dress with matching bonnet and pink and white ballerina socks. You were 4 lbs 11 oz and you were all ours ~ FINALLY!

We couldn’t have visitors or take you anywhere for weeks because of your prematurity, but that didn’t stop us from soaking in every single second of you! You were never put down. I couldn’t even imagine not holding you in my arms every second I was at home simply because I waited my entire life to have you. We had to spend weeks with you in the house because of your size and the time of year. Then, after weeks at home I finally took you on your first shopping trip with Mimi on Valentines Day 2007. It wasn’t long, but I remember the pride I felt getting you out of the car seat and putting you in the sling. I was a mommy…a real mommy that was shopping with her little princess and I was thrilled!

Months went by with mommy and daddy traveling back and forth to visit Bubba in the hospital. You were such a good baby girl for everyone that watched you (family only!).

We went on with a normal life for you at home, but we lived anything but a normal life for months. In June, our worst fears came to a reality when our Bennett was called home to be with his creator.

I remember every detail of that day like it was yesterday and someday we will talk about it. What I want you to know is that you were heartbroken that day. There was a sadness and desperation in your cry that I had never heard before and I haven’t heard since. You were dedicated next to Bennett’s bedside by Mr. Donny and Mr. Dave and it was just as beautiful as it would have been in church. The closer we got to Bennett the louder you would scream…it gives me chills to even think about the fear in your cry that day. A few short days later Bennett went home. You had so much peace that day…I have never held you tighter.

The next three years were spent bonding as a family of three. I have been blessed enough to stay at home with you and aside from having you that is one of the best gifts I have ever received.

Daddy and I have enjoyed so many wonderful moments with you. We have been on numerous trips together…the first one was to Disney World when you were 7 months old. Each trip was a whole new experience for you and the joy for us was watching how much fun you had.

As the months turned into years you grew into your own personality and I have loved watching that happen. You are so compassionate, friendly, dramatic, LOVING, and maternal. You are everything wonderful and perfect to me.

You learned to walk, talk and eat…each milestone was a miracle to watch!

You slept (and still do at 3 1/2) with mommy and daddy every night. Daddy and I decided we couldn’t stand to miss 12 hours of your life each day just to say that you slept in your own bed, so we all cuddle up every night together! We sing, pray and share kisses and “hugses.” I don’t care when you decide to sleep alone…selfishly, it’s because I will miss the cuddles you give us every night. Remember, you will never be too old to cuddle with mommy in bed!

We have always taken you out everywhere with us and you have learned to have quite the well rounded palate. I love that you love to eat as much as I do and it is so fun to watch you try new things.

Your hair went from black and straight to light brown and so curly that mommy has a hard time getting it just right! Your curls are beautiful I can’t believe I have a gorgeous little girl with ringlets! You get those curls from daddy…so, you can thank him in a couple of years!!

You do gymnastics, ballet and soccer and we love watching you practice all three! (gym is your favorite!) You would rather pick flowers for mommy than play in your soccer games and just started loving ballet because your friend Brooke takes it with you. I love watching you do all three, but I can’t wait for you to decide what you love the best!

You love to shop and go to the grocery store with me! Some of the best days we have had together are running errands to Target or HEB. You love to pick our produce at the grocery store and by the age of 2 you knew what most of the produce was! We spend more money on fresh fruit because you love it as much as I do! I love watching how excited you get when we buy new foods because you ALWAYS want to come right home and help mommy cook them!

You have “jobs” that you get paid to do and you tell us your are saving all of your money in your piggy bank for college! (your jobs: put dirty clothes in the laundry room, pick up your toys and put your clean clothes in your drawers) I know you will always be my big helper and I love that you are saving your money rather than spending it…you get that from me!

You are amazing to me by just being you!

You are the light of my life.

You are the reason I made it through so many rough days.

You are my miracle baby.

You are the reason my faith has grown to what it is today.

You are the reason…for the BEST three and a half years of my life.

I hope you always feel as special as you truly are to me. My one and only little girl. There are a million more things I could write about, but I will spend the rest of our lives telling you all about them. I just wanted you to know that I am beyond grateful and thankful for you.

With all of my heart forever and ever,

Mommy

On our first trip together in April 2007 to Canton, Texas

You were 3 1/2 months old

To deliver or not…

2010-06-02T22:56:00.001-05:00

That was the question I was asked at the OB yesterday and I was TOTALLY unprepared for it!

Yes, I am in pain. Sometimes, the pain is unbearable, but was it so bad that I would risk 3 more days of Cullen in the safety of my womb…NO!

The nurse practitioner said it wouldn’t make much of a difference and that it was totally up to me. I had not mentally prepared myself to deliver, so I felt rushed. I am a thinker…I waste a lot of life worrying about making the right decision. I asked her to go ask my OB what I should do. She came back and said that the OB said that she knows me well and with my personality I would never forgive myself if I delivered him early and he ended up in the NICU…and she was right! So, because I knew I could deal with the pain for three more days that is what I decided to do.

Now last night I was totally kicking myself as I contracted every 8 minutes, but I made it through and here we are with our last day tomorrow!

Today was one of the best days ever with Ellie! We woke up and met my friends Les and Jen with their kids at our neighborhood splash pad. We followed that up with lunch at Les’ house and let the kids play a little longer. I was feeling totally exhausted at this point, but it was such a pleasure to watch Ellie have so much fun with her friends. After lunch Jen and I headed to the nail salon with our girls. Ellie and Brooke are only three months apart and take gymnastics and ballet together. It was awesome! We all had mani’s and pedi’s and they even had special chairs for the little girls! Ellie sat like a statue the entire time…even for the massage!!! She looks adorable and she and Brooke have the tiniest flowers on their toes and thumbs! It was very relaxing and I have waited MONTHS to have a day like that!

Side note: I had to pump gas in my car after the nail salon and I had actually forgotten how to open the door to the gas tank!!! What a moron! I did finally manage to figure it out! AND…because I am so huge and uncomfortable I sure did go to the nail salon in my strapless, short sundress with a visor on!!! Straight from the splash pad to the nail salon…I looked really classy!

When we got home I had a few little tasks that needed to be completed and then it was on to the BIG plan I had. Make three meals in order to freeze some homemade food for next week after we bring Cullen home. Now, I haven’t cooked in months, but I have been dying to get back into the kitchen!!! I surprised myself with my organization and cleanliness. It really didn’t take me long at all to complete all three meals and OH MY GOODNESS they all taste SO good!!! On the menu when we come home:

Spicy Beef spaghetti

Cheesy baked eggplant pasta

Taco salad

They are not healthy at all, but really who cares b/c they are homemade!!! Plus, I still can’t fathom eating chicken, so I used ground beef. It’s funny because before I was pregnant we didn’t have any beef in our house ever! It will be interesting to see how that transitions after Cullen arrives.

I am totally exhausted now, but I truly couldn’t have imagined a better day with Ellie! I felt like a mom for the first time in months and it made my heart smile. I am thankful to our fantastic friends and their kiddos for sharing their day with us! It was an unbelievable day!

So, tomorrow is it! I plan on putting the hospital table away and getting Cullen’s co-sleeper moved next to my side of the bed. The rest of the house is totally ready and our housekeeper comes while I am in the hospital anyway.

I can’t believe I made it.

I am proud and excited and grateful.

We are hours away from holding our little boy in our arms! EEEkkkk!!!

The LORD is my strength and my shield;
my heart trusts in him, and I am helped.
My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to him in song.

Psalm 28:7

Blessings,

Angie

We are READY!

2010-05-31T23:11:00.001-05:00

Well, the lack of updates is due to the fact our laptop has been living in the hospital bag with nightly threats of being admitted to the hospital were upon us…AND we have been spending these last few days enjoying our family of three. I have REALLY enjoyed the last week alone with Ellie and the long weekend with B. It has been like old times. We wake up, cuddle, eat a yummy homemade breakfast together and play outside (and even run a few errands together)! As the days pass I am more and more uncomfortable and exhausted from contractions, but overall I feel like it has been a blessing to have these last few days alone with Ellie and B to feel like our “normal” family.

Funny story from last week: I don’t usually turn the TV on during the day, but for some reason I decided to watch The baby story one day last week while I ate.

I am not sure if it was hormones or relief that I am actually days away from delivery, but I was bawling hysterically!! Oh my goodness!!! I could just picture our family standing outside of the general nursery taking pictures and watching them clean our long awaited miracle boy…and I laughed b/c I am sure he will be the biggest baby in the nursery! I am most anxious to see B’s face when he sees Cullen for the first time. I am going to “call Brandon out” by making it public knowledge that he is a sensitive guy…and that is one of the best qualities he has! I love that he cried the entire time I walked down the aisle at our wedding and when they told him it was time to deliver the twins. I am not expecting tears, but I do know that he will be overcome with emotion when he meets this little man I have been getting to know for the last 36 weeks. I can’t wait for him to finally get to experience the footprints on the scrubs and hearing the first cry. I am so ready for our little boy to be here. We had to plan months in advance to take a shot in the dark with IVF and genetic testing to get this perfect embryo that is now Cullen and we will finally get to meet him in person in three days (i’m not counting Friday b/c he will be here)! We are so blessed.

As I am sure most women do at 9 months pregnant…I feel enormous these days! Cullen is huge and I have extra fluid because of his size. I also feel as if I am carrying a lot lower than I have been. I have been fighting an uphill battle with contractions, pressure and cramping since Friday evening. On Saturday night, I was instructed (by home health) to call the emergency line for my OB b/c my contractions were so bad. The doctor on call told me to take another demand dose of terb, take tyl.enol PM and said that if contractions got closer together to call her back. I was sure we were headed to the hospital b/c I literally couldn’t deal with the pain. Instead, I fell asleep only to wake up at 4am with more contractions and pressure.

I have SUFFERED through this weekend waiting until my doctor is back tomorrow to be seen for a cervical check. I am feeling sure there has been some change and that may be enough to be sent to the hospital to deliver a baby. For a better part of the weekend contractions have been 8 minutes apart or less. I still worry about whether Cullen is ready to thrive outside of my body…at 36.3 weeks I am hoping he is!

So, the house is ready…and we are ready.

Ready for a normal day as a family of four.

Ready to have our lives back.

Ready to “hole up” in our house and enjoy each other.

Ready for homemade meals.

Ready for midnight feedings and dirty diapers.

Ready to see our baby girl with her baby brother.

This is the day we have waited years for and it will be here any day.

We are ready!

Your ways, O God, are holy.

What god is so great as our God?

Psalm 77:13

Blessings,

Angie

Any day now?!?!

2010-05-26T14:53:00.001-05:00

If I would have posted yesterday after the peri appt I would have had different news to report. However, I decided to wait to combine the news from the OB today and I am happy I did because the news is pretty different!

I made it through the cramping and contractions on Monday with three demand doses of terb. It was a rough day and I really thought the ultrasound on Tuesday would reveal a ton of changes. Monday night I got horribly sick…one minute I was in bed and the next I was vomiting! It was terrible. I was very worried that there was something up with my blood pressure b/c my head was killing me too!

However, I woke up on Tuesday morning feeling great! I truly felt like I could walk around the block…if I so desired and had permission to do! B had the idea to pack the car with our bags “just in case” and put Cullen’s car seat in the car. With Ellie all loaded up we were on our way. I laughed when I realized that we had the car seat and NO BAGS!!! Only us!

No contractions the WHOLE way to the doctor…that is pretty amazing for me b/c usually the car causes contractions immediately. We got right in to see the doctor this time which was great!

We got started on the ultrasound right away and it seemed as if nothing had changed. Heart and brain both look great. Measurements were off the chart as usual! Cullen is in the 78% weighing in at 6lbs 15oz! He is estimated to weigh close to 8lbs if we make it to delivery ~ THREE weeks one day early!!! Then came the cervical check…NO CHANGE from last week! I was shocked. We could still see the funneling and it looked a little worse than last week, but no other changes that the dr noted. We were on cloud 9! It really looked as if we would make it to delivery with no risk of early delivery.

This morning was my last scheduled OB appt. My mom picked us girls up and we were off. I was anticipating the exact same news. A little pat on the head and some info about my csection next week.

That is what I get for expecting…

I do love my OB b/c she doesn’t sugar coat anything! She is super thrilled that I have made it this far and was laughing about the size of Cullen! She asked me if I thought we were going to make it and I looked at her and said, “You tell me!!!” We discussed the csection next week and I’m really only nervous about the epidural. She thinks Cullen will be fine and said she probably won’t even request that the NICU team be in the delivery room! That is exciting to me! We discussed the tubal ligation…yes, I am having my tubes tied and a few other important details about meds.

Then we got to the cervical exam. That’s when the news really changed. Turns out I am 60% effaced (I finally asked) and *not quite* fully ripe. My OB’s joking went the more serious route and she told me I absolutely couldn’t have this baby this weekend b/c she is going to be out of town until Sunday night! I knew that she was leaving b/c it was her birthday and it stresses me out, but it is even worse now knowing I am SO close. She gave me her cell phone number and told me to text her if I am admitted Sunday night or beyond and she will be up there to deliver me. UGH! I really don’t want to have come this far and then not deliver with my own doctor! She knows our story inside and out and we have really become very close.

So close, as a matter of fact, that I asked her if she was going to bring the champagne to the delivery room!

In all seriousness, I can go into labor at ANY time from now until my delivery date. I have 90% less confidence today than I did yesterday about making it. My contractions are very strong today, but who ever knows what that means!

All we can do it sit and wait for:

1. My contractions to be so strong and constant that demand doses of terb are no longer effective…

2. For my water to break.

I have 2 more full days until I reach the 36 week mark. At 35 weeks 50% of babies go home and at 36 weeks 90% of babies go home (without having to stay in the NICU). I would much rather be playing with the 90% odds, plus I would LOVE for my own doctor to deliver me!

However, just like the rest of this journey…the remainder is not up to us. So, we will wait and be as prepared as we possibly can for any changes that might occur. Oh, and I am pretty sure we will go ahead and put the bags in the car today…just in case!

Thank you for your continued emails, texts and prayers. We are almost there!

Blessings,

Angie

One more Monday to go!

2010-05-24T14:12:00.001-05:00

This is the start of the last full week I’ll be pregnant! That is totally exciting for me and totally frightening to me all at the same time.

Despite the rocky road we have traveled for the last 9 months, I will miss a lot of what we have experienced.

- Knowing how safe Cullen is inside of me and feeling him move, kick and roll around. The bond that a mother shares with her unborn child is a true blessing and even though I am ready to share him with B and Ellie I will deeply miss this feeling.

- My weekly doctor visits that have been more like dates for B and me…it has been such a joy to have that alone time with him.

- My big belly and cute maternity clothes…even though I rarely wore them in public I still think bellies and maternity clothes are the CUTEST!

-Eating more than I should and not really gaining THAT much weight!

- Being on bed rest and having my baby girl cuddle in my nest. I truly have enjoyed the alone time with her.

- Eating every single meal in bed! Lazy…yes! But, it has been kind of fun!

There are a million other little things I will miss, but there are even more wonderful times I am looking forward to. This experience and pregnancy is closing a huge chapter in our lives, but it is followed by a new chapter full of wonderful times and new beginnings.

Tomorrow will be my last peri appointment and Wednesday will be my last OB appt. It just seems surreal to me. I am hoping that we will make it to 36 weeks, but to be honest my body feels very ready to have this baby. As I type this I am having contractions every 4 minutes. I woke up this morning with “that feeling”…like something wasn’t feeling right. I am cramping terribly in my back and feeling them in the front as well. I woke up at 4 am super hot and unable to fall back to sleep. I got Ellie ready for gymnastics and a friend picked her up for me…thank goodness for great friends! As we sat and waited I felt even worse. I napped while Ellie was away and when she got home we both showered. I felt better after the shower, but now my contractions are out of control!

The most irritating part of these contractions is that they aren’t doing anything! If I call the OB they will send me to the hospital. If I don’t contract every 5 minutes the hospital will send me home. It is a ridiculous cycle. I refuse to spend the week in the hospital when I can labor right here at home. Now if my water were to break that would be a different story, but it’s not looking like that is going to happen! However, my cervix could be dilating even further and in that case I should probably be at the hospital…UGH the internal battle!!!

So, this is my Monday…thank goodness I only have one left!

But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create…

Isaiah 65:18

Blessings,

Angie

My baby sure enjoys a chocolate popsicle!

Mimi giving piggy back rides!!! Hilarious!

Friday night fun…

2010-05-22T11:44:00.001-05:00

Week 34 went out with a bang!

I decided that my “what will be” attitude I had prior to Wednesday’s appointment had to be amended due to the nature of our situation. Rather than being so nonchalant about contractions and pains, I decided that I should probably pay SOME attention to them since my body is really preparing for delivery at any time.

Yesterday was just a crazy day. It started with a call to the OB’s office because of a pain I have been having. I am assuming it is from pressure on the cerclage, but not positive. Unfortunately, I got a nurse that does not know my situation AT ALL and therefore she was of no help to me. I asked her if I needed to be worried about this dilating causing any damage to my cervix b/c of the cerclage. Her response: Usually y’all (us women she meant) call us when you start having contractions…NO KIDDING! I gave her the 5 second rundown on my situation about being on home health care b/c of contractions and my recent hospitalization with mag and she still didn’t get it. I threw in the towel and ended the conversation. I figured if things got worse I would call back and request to talk to my favorite nurse.

What didn’t help matters at all yesterday is that I was out of bed more than I have been recently because I was here alone with Ellie until my mom got here to help out. That little change in my daily routine sent my uterus into a downward spiral! By the time my mom left (B was on his way home at that point) and I laid down to monitor I was having rhythmic contractions every 6 minutes. When the nurse called me to give the results I knew they were going to be bad. She decided that it was time to make some changes to my pump settings in order to get more meds. I decided it was probably time to call my OB’s office back and talk to a real nurse.

So, at 4pm I was told by my OB’s nurse that I had to be sent to the hospital. My current situation combined with the rhythmic contractions was a one way ticket. UGGH!!!

I decided to play a little game of let’s make a deal!

I agreed to go to the hospital IF the new pump settings and an additional hour at home didn’t make a change in my uterine activity at all. She reluctantly said OK, but made it clear that she was very concerned about what could be happening to my body as a result of waiting at home while having contractions.

An hour later I was up to contractions 10 min apart, but the pressure was killing me. The rest of the night was up and down. Constant contractions with pain and pressure in the pelvis and cramping in my back. Aside from the natural labor I went through with the twins (until my csection) this is the most constant discomfort I have ever been in.

We packed up all of our bags last night and made a plan to get Ellie’s goodies packed up and my mom would just meet us at the hospital. I was scared to death that my water was going to break in the middle of the night because of the pressure of the strong contractions.

Thankfully, we made it through the night and we are still at home!!!

Today, I am 35 weeks pregnant and that doesn’t sound so bad to me…if delivery becomes impossible to avoid!

I think if my body had its way, Cullen would be here sooner rather than later. However, we know God is in control and His plan will reveal itself in due time.

So, in the meantime my poor Hubby is stuck babysitting me and our precious little girl. He is such a fantastic husband that he spoiling us with grilled hamburgers and other yummy goodies. As stressful as these last few days have been, I can’t imagine having any other man by my side during it.

I want to keep a good record of these last days, so look for frequent updates on the status of my uterus!!!

Blessings,

Angie

Stage One of REAL labor

2010-05-20T19:02:00.001-05:00

Well, we knew it would happen eventually.

I have been in premature labor since they put me on ventolin at 14 weeks because of tightening (they didn’t want to call them contractions, but they were!). I have endured 5 admissions to the hospital and 184 days on bed rest. I have been on three different tocolytics to control contractions, blood thinners, and 17P to get me to 34.5 weeks of pregnancy…AND…

I am finally in REAL “premature” labor.

I don’t mean ‘finally’ like I am glad that we are finally here…I mean ‘finally’ like we knew my body couldn’t fight forever and at some point it would start to give out.

Yesterday, was a CRAZY day! We had to end up taking Ellie to both doctor appointments b/c Biddy had to go home sick. That was hurdle number one…the toddler sitting through 3 hours of important visits and tests.

I wasn’t AT ALL expecting anything to be wrong. In fact, when we saw both doctors I told them that the last week has been so relaxing and fun for me b/c I am not worried anymore. We saw the OB first and she was thrilled that I had made it so far. We did the FFn and my group B strep. I gained 2 pounds and had a little protein in my urine, but everything else looked good. I did ask her to check out the position of Cullen’s head and he is indeed engaged in the pelvis. Oh my goodness…he is so low that I can actually feel his head with my own hands below my pelvic bone. Not comfy AT ALL! The funny thing is his hiney is tucked up in my right rib cage, so he is a LONG little man!

After a quick visit we rushed downstairs to the Peri for the BIG news. We waited and Ellie was getting grumpy b/c she didn’t get a sticker at OB’s office. Try explaining to your 3 year that mommy’s don’t get stickers at the doctor! So, I rifled through my purse looking for anything that might tide her over. Ummmm…you can tell I have been out of the mommy loop for some time b/c I had NOTHING in my purse to amuse her! We tried a fiber one granola bar that she announced very loudly in the waiting room she “HAD to spit out!” oh, it was a fun, fun day! Finally, they called us back. (side note: this doctor’s office has a recording when they call to confirm that asks you not to bring your children with you! NICE!!) However, Ellie was very well behaved b/c we threatened her with no cupcakes if she acted up and our peri was very excited to meet her. It all worked out well in the end.

He started the ultrasound and B won the weight estimate this week with a dead on estimate of 6 lbs 6 oz! Good fluid, great movement and blood flow through the cord. Cullen was sucking (like babies do when they sleep) and it was the most precious thing I have ever seen! He had his fingers up to his mouth like he was trying to suck on them…I told B he was already trying to eat! Eeekk! I am hoping I can produce enough milk for this big guy!

Then B asked about the cervix and funneling. I almost fell off the table when he said I was 1-2 CM dilated and had started to efface. Basically, my contractions are stage one labor contractions now and we are on HIGH alert for ruptured membranes AND any change/damage to my cervix b/c of dilation with the cerclage. I am to watch closely for any bleeding at all and it that starts we are hospital bound immediately. Things are now on a day to day basis with this pregnancy and Cullen could come at any time.

There are several parts of this process now that I am concerned about. It was terrifying to have my water break with the twins. I was caught totally off guard and I am genuinely terrified of it happening again without B around. (he is just as terrified of it happening to me and not being around too…it was very scary for both of us last time) I am also super worried about dilating anymore and causing my cervix to tear b/c of this cerclage. It is so hard not to get up when you have a 3 year old at home. Especially when the weather is so nice outside! However, I am really trying not to move from my bed unless I truly have to. I am not really worried about delivering Cullen after I hit the 35 week mark because I think we have so many interventions in place that he would be just fine.

I have so many people saying “Oh you must be so excited” and obviously I am thrilled to meet our son. However, I don’t know if you are ever ready to deliver your child prematurely. I don’t know if you truly ever feel ready to deliver your child. It is as scary this time as it was our first time…I am just as nervous to become a mom again and I have all the same worries I did the first time around. If my poor husband and I can make it through all of this without ulcers I think it will be a miracle!

So, here we go into the 35th week of this pregnancy dilating, effacing and head engaged. Only God knows what Cullen’s birthday will be! Thank you for your continued prayers…and thank you to all of our sweet neighbors and family members for being on high alert these next 2 weeks!!! We’ve made it to the safe zone!

If you are wondering…Ellie did in fact get her trip to Crave for a very yummy cupcake because she was such a sweet little lady all day long!

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

Psalms 139.13

Blessings,

Angie

His gift…

2010-05-15T14:06:00.001-05:00

Today on the 35 Bennett Day I am 34 weeks pregnant with his little brother.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of Bennett. Ellie still talks about him and when you ask her who is in her family she lists Bennett and Cullen first.

She will tell you that Bennett lives with “Him’s fam-a-wee” in the flower garden and with God.

The other day she told me she was going to go into her bedroom and get her book about God so we could read about them.

It still breaks my heart that she will never know him and that we will never have the chance to raise him.

When we first found out we were pregnant and we got our due date I was worried. Worried because I knew they wouldn’t do a csection past 37-38 weeks due to the cerclage. That would be the exact week we pulled Bennett off of life support and planned and celebrated his funeral.

I DID NOT want our Cullen to always share the death of his brother in the week of his birth. However, the more I thought about all of it the more it hit me…

Cullen is our gift from Bennett.

Of course, God chose our path for us long ago and it was His will for us to have another child. But, I couldn’t shake the feeling that Bennett chose Cullen for us and chose that week because he does not want us to grieve forever over sending him Home.

Bennett was selfless every single day of his life. He NEVER gave up fighting ~ we chose to let him go because we didn’t want him to suffer. He was the most unbelievable sole I have ever met. He surprised us, his doctors and his nurses daily with his strength, so it is no surprise to me that he would have a hand in this miracle.

I am in awe of my firstborn…my precious little boy that had eyes so full of life and wisdom. Almost three years after we sent him Home he is still blessing us.

Thank you sweet Bennett. I know you are sharing in this joy with us and I know we have made it this far with your protection. You are and always will be one of the three greatest loves of our lives.

All of our love forever - Mommy and Daddy