You can’t ignore the obvious forever…and I have been trying to ignore the fact that I would have to drum up my emotions to get through this blog. Every day this past week I kept telling myself that I would have to eventually get on and blog about the weeks events. Every day I put it off selfishly not wanting to face the pure heartache I was experiencing.
As of last Wednesday it had been almost a week that I hadn’t been sleeping. When I say “not sleeping” I mean that I am physically in bed, but my mind and eyes will not cooperate and let me get even 3 hours of rest. It was especially important for me to get rest b/c I told a friend of mine that I would watch her (almost) 5 year old until school was out for the summer. Subconsciously, I knew exactly what the issue was. There were only a few days until Mother’s Day…Lord help me.
What exactly is Mother’s Day all about? I mean honestly I feel honored to be a mother EVERY SINGLE DAY! I truly don’t need a day with a title to make me feel any more blessed to be a mom…whatever! I didn’t feel this way last year though. I waited and waited for Mother’s Day. I couldn’t sleep the night before b/c it was a day I had dreamed of my entire life. I woke up with a fast beating heart and excitement. I was proud to show off my little girl at brunch and I couldn’t wait to get to the hospital to see our little miracle man. I remember shopping to pick out my special dress…the one that hangs in my closet as a brutal reminder of what Mother’s Day used to feel like to me. I remember what I ate that day, what I dressed Ellie Grace up in, what Brandon gave me, and what my little boy gave me when I got to the hospital (thanks to his loving nurse). That day last year will go down in history as one of the best days in my life.
Fast forward to this year. The week was excruciating. I was glad to have my friends little boy because it kept us busy and made the week fly by. On the other hand…it brought the weekend a lot faster than I was ready for. It took me until Saturday afternoon (as I was pouring juice for Ellie) to pin point what I was feeling. I felt disconnected from my own life. I felt like I only wanted to be alone…no one to talk to…no one to worry about…just quiet and alone. However, that is impossible when you have a loving husband (who you know is feeling just as bad) and a precious little angel girl who needs you and loves you. What a conflict! How do you balance your gut wrenching pain with your life that does not stop just because you want to? The answer came as I was sitting in church on Sunday. It is all about faith. Now, I already know that my faith is the only thing that is going to get me through this. I always have faith no matter what the situation. I have faith that we will get through this, I have faith that our business will make it, I have faith that we will have more children…honestly; I am not short on faith. I just don’t think I realized how to make it through the day with faith. I didn’t realize that no matter how much faith you have the pain is still going to be there. AH-HAH a revelation…Faith will not erase the pain it just makes it possible to deal with it. It truly took me this long to get that. My faith didn’t make Mother’s Day easy or painless, but it did remind me that the day would end and there would be a tomorrow. My faith didn’t erase the butterflies in my stomach as we pulled into the cemetery, but it did help me stand up and leave after I visited my prince. My faith prepares me to face the anniversary of our beloved son’s death, but it does not lessen the sadness that I feel about it. Blind faith is all I have to have. Blind faith that God chose this path for me and every event is sculpting the person I am meant to be.
Before I go I have to tell you about Ellie Grace. Oh…….Ellie! I’ll start with the news that we have a singing potty in our bathroom that Ellie uses at least 3 times a day! Yep, Ellie Grace is potty training at 17 months old and it’s working! She is running around the house and has even gotten herself in trouble for biting a few times…shocking, I know! She can point to several of her body parts and is learning to make all of the farm animal sounds and point to their pictures in one of her favorite books (thanks great AJ). She LOVES to go to the inflatable zone and go down the “big girl” slide with mommy. Best of all (I say with sarcasm) she has to be taped and bound to her high chair so that she can not escape during meal time! Needless to say, Ellie is a bundle of energy and because of her I lost another 4.2 pounds last week…SERIOUSLY!
I can’t put into words how I feel about being a mom to Bennett and Ellie Grace. It is indescribable the love, honor, pride, and gratefulness I feel about/for them. I honestly do celebrate Mother’s Day every single time I look into Ellie’s eyes and hold her close or look at Bennett’s pictures. I am a mom…what a true blessing!
A little bit extra…
About a week ago I was “tagged” by a fellow blogger and mother of preemie twins. I haven’t had the extra time to sit and follow the rules of being tagged and to be perfectly honest…I don’t really know how to link blogs and all of that cool technical stuff. I am just a simple girl that is doing good to get my blog updated and looking good! I’ll do my best to follow as many of the “rules” of being tagged as possible and I’ll work on figuring out the rest!
Here are the rules:
*Link to the person who tagged you. I am trying to figure this out
*Post the rules on your blog . Got it!
*Write six random things about yourself. This will be interesting
*Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs. I am still working on this.
*Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment at their blog
*Let your tagger know when your entry is up.
1. I love to cook! I actually wanted to go to culinary school rather than college, but that was not an option! Cooking is a form of relaxation for me. I could spend HOURS researching new recipes and trying them out. When I was on bed rest I actually saw several reruns on the food network!!! How exciting!
2. To follow the fist random fact ~ I love to go to the grocery store. I have always loved grocery shopping. When I was a little girl I would cry if my mom went to the store while I was at school or went without telling me. Now, Brandon hates going with me. He knows that he is in for an adventure if he goes to the store with me! I actually go up and down every isle looking for new, interesting items that I can use or make up a recipe for. Strange…I know!
3. I still sleep with my “binkies” that I have had since I was a little girl. My binkies are my two baby blankets that I have had for my 30 years of life. Most of you know what a germ warrior I am, so the next piece of info will shock you I am sure. I can count on two hands the number of times the binkies have been washed…They just aren’t the same when they smell like Tide.
4. I have always wanted to be a mom. From the time I was a little girl I was fascinated with pregnant women. I drew pictures of pregnant moms and my own mom actually set up my walk in closet as a nursery with real baby furniture. Finding out that I had serious infertility issues was a true nightmare, but becoming a mom was a dream come true.
5. If you know me you would probably say that I like to be “the life of the party.” Actually, I am very shy when I am around a group of people I am not familiar with. I hate to speak in front of crowds or be in a situation without people I know.
6. It would be an answered prayer to make our public more aware of the issues people with infertility face. Infertility is a lifelong sentence and it is not fair that we spend hundreds of thousands of dollars to achieve what most people are given naturally. What is the difference between treating an illness vs. treating infertility? Why are we punished for being born like this? Anyone know Oprah??? Give her a call ~ I’ll go and speak for all of us!
So, there it is. Six random facts about me that won’t help you sleep any better tonight, but they do help you know me a little better. Thanks for indulging me! Stay tuned for new pics of our “little chicken” ~ Ellie Grace.
2 weeks ago