Warning: this is a ridiculously long post!
I wanted to document the days following our retrieval for my own purpose…God forbid we ever have to go through the harvesting process again.
Following the transfer on Saturday I came straight home and got into bed. My HUGE blessing of a mother in a law (Biddie) stayed with us for almost an entire week in order to help with Ellie and make sure I took it easy. I am very blessed to have Biddie as a mother in law for a million reasons, but the most important to me is that she truly understands what our struggles have meant to us. We have shared many similarities from fertility struggles to the death of a child. It is so comforting to know that we are not alone with our fears and anxiety and no matter what we are feeling we have someone so close that has “been there and done that.”
So, on Sunday it was much of the same…bedrest! However, Sunday night I remember waking up in what I thought was an extreme hot flash. I was soaking wet and even had to change my clothes. I woke up four times that night to use the restroom. On Monday morning I felt very hot on the inside, but I didn’t feel warm to the touch. I had very bad lower back cramps and I was tired. Brandon went to the grocery store to buy a slew of home pregnancy test kits. My goal was to test the hcg shot out of my system, so that when we got a positive test it meant we were actually pregnant. (Ovidrel is a trigger shot that they give you right before egg retrieval in order to make sure your eggs are mature. The shot contains the same hormone (hcg) that is detected in pregnancy tests, so it can give a false positive test if it is not out of your system. I tested with hpt’s until they were negative to make sure the Ovidrel was out of my system, so that if we got a positive test at the end of the week we would know it wasn’t the trigger shot in my system, but actually b/c I was pregnant…are you following??) Monday night I experienced the same hot flash, but it was not as severe as the night before. Tuesday I felt like I was recovering from the flu. I was a little “out of it” and I was very tired. At about 3 that afternoon I fell asleep in my bed and I NEVER nap! Wednesday I spent most of the day on the couch getting inventory ready for the upcoming show that weekend. No extreme symptoms, but I was using the restroom a lot more often than usual. Thursday was Bennett Day and I was exhausted that day. I honestly felt like I was hung over. Tired, a little hungry but nothing sounded good to eat and I felt shaky. I went to bed that night crying. Brandon and Ellie were sound asleep and I felt so defeated. I was upset about having to visit Bennett in the cemetery, I was grateful for the perfect scripture we put on his headstone, I felt overwhelmed with the love I have for Ellie and Brandon and I just sat in bed watching them sleep and I cried. Finally, I fell asleep and about 2am I woke up to use the bathroom. For some CRAZY reason I decided to take a home pregnancy test. Why? At 2am did I feel the urge to take a hpt I will never know! I fully expected it to be negative because I was only 6 days past a 5 day transfer (6dp5dt) in which case I am sure I would have gone back to bed and cried even more. However, what happened next will always rank as one of the best moments of my life. I sat in the bathroom in the middle of the night was watched a very F-A-I-N-T pink line appear to make 2 lines…which meant we had a positive pregnancy test for the second time ever.
I silently crept out of our bedroom to go into the kitchen, so I could exam the test under the bright lights in our kitchen. Sure enough it was there…barely, but it was there! My instincts were to run into the bedroom and jump on Brandon and scream that we were pregnant…but, that’s not what I did. I was shaking like a leaf and I was crying. I walked into our living room and literally got down on my knees and thanked God for this wonderful miracle that he had given to us. Then it was time to decide how to tell B. A few weeks earlier I got Ellie a cute t-shirt that said, “Big Sister” on it…you know, just in case! I have added maternity clothes to my business, so I went into the office and put on a shirt that said, “Baby Bump” it was a little big, but I thought B would get it when he saw it. I tip toed back into our bedroom and decided that I probably wouldn't win "Mother of the Year" if I woke Ellie up to change her shirt in the middle of the night…so, I just laid in bed with my shirt on waiting…and waiting…and waiting!
So, after all of that (and obsessing about it in bed) I decided to change the plan all together! (Can anyone say PSYCHO) I went into my closet (it was 3:30am at this point) and I got on black yoga pants and a t-shirt I bought when I was pregnant with the twins that says, “Yes, I’m pregnant!” I couldn’t sleep, so I came into the living room to get some work done. Finally, after waiting impatiently for over an hour I heard B get out of bed. His alarm goes off at 3:30 every morning b/c he gets up early to do work at home and it makes me SO mad b/c it always wakes me up too. When he got up and realized I wasn’t in bed he thought I was angry with him!!! He found me in the living room, on the couch with a smile on my face and he looked at me and said, “What are you doing? And why are you out here smiling?” He walked over to our bar and I stood up and faced him without saying a word. He looked at me like I had lost my mind and about 15 seconds later he realized what my shirt said. He ran over to me saying, “Really???” and we hugged and cried. We went into the kitchen and I showed him the test…his words were, “Are you sure? Are you really sure?” Ummmmm…Y.E.S. I am sure!!! Two lines means pregnant…no matter how faint the second line is! So, we enjoyed the moment together and talked and at about 6:30 I was exhausted, so I went back to bed!
When Ellie woke up I asked her if she was ready to be a big sister and she said, “Um, NO!” We didn’t want to tell anyone until our blood test…even though I continued to take a test every day and the lines got continually darker! We did tell our parents and siblings though. It was cute to listen to Ellie tell our mom’s that she was going to be a big sister b/c there is a baby in mommy’s tummy! A moment I will never forget.
On Monday, October 19th beta #1 9dp5dt: 90 (4 weeks pregnant)
On Wednesday, October 21st beta #2 was 11dp5dt: 239 (4 weeks 2 days pregnant)
(as a reference number I went in for my first beta with the twins at 4 weeks 3 days pregnant and my beta was in the 240's)
I was so grateful to be pregnant with Bennett and Ellie and I loved every minute of it. This time it is a little different…only because of everything that happened last time. I don’t know how long I have to enjoy this precious miracle, but I am going to spend every day I am pregnant celebrating it. I still take pregnancy tests some days and I look at it as therapy. I have had years of negatives and it is so amazing to watch that beautiful second pink line, so I test whenever I feel like I want to! The other day I wanted to show B the difference in my tests from last week and the one from this week and I said, “What do you think?” He said, “I think you are pregnant!” Duh!
I am excited, but I feel very different this time. Maybe it is fear of getting attached and being disappointed in the end? I am beyond grateful to be pregnant. I love the afternoon sickness that I get every.single.day and I love being so exhausted that I just can’t keep my eyes open past 8pm. I love that I wake up starving and by 4pm I still haven’t cooked dinner b/c the thought of food is totally nauseating (although I am sure B and Ellie would love a home cooked meal sometime soon!). I love this time and I want to remember every minute of it. I have had so many people ask me if I prefer one or two and you know what I prefer…For God to have chosen us to have a safe pregnancy with a healthy baby or babies that can come home with us.
Tomorrow is a huge day. It is the day we go in and pray that we see a sac and a fetal pole. I am not counting on a heartbeat tomorrow b/c it is still a little early (5 weeks 4 days), but I do want to at least see a sac in my uterus with something inside. I am anxious, but I feel like it will all go very well. I have faith.
I always end with “please keep us in your prayers” and I wanted to let all of you know that we think of our friends and family very often. I know that each of you have your own mountains to climb and I want to let you know that I keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers daily. We are so very thankful for all of you!
Blessings,
Angie
