The past is not the past…not even in my dreams
Here I go again with the sleep issues… It is not a big secret that I have a hard time sleeping at night. Whether it’s falling asleep, staying asleep or actually enjoying my sleep my dreams and my anxiety always seem to be in the way.
Lately, I have been having reoccurring nightmares. I was having similar nightmares for a long period of time this past year, but they had seemed to slow down for a while. Well, now they are back and they are regular. The premise of the dreams is always the same…someone very close to me is dying (usually Bennett or Ellie) and I am always just short of being able to save them. So, usually I start out spending time with Bennett playing and showing him off. Then he will start to shut down on me and I will run to try and save him and all of a sudden he is lying dead in my arms. It is so scary for me because I can actually see his pale blue skin and feel the cold…and then I wake up in a cold sweat. I sometimes feel like I shouldn’t say anything about the dreams b/c they are so frequent and I don’t want to bother anyone. So, I thought I would take it out on the computer tonight. My sweet husband offered for me to wake him up so we can talk about it when I have these dreams, but really there is no sense in creating two sleep deprived parents for Ellie!
I know that I have these dreams because I have so much guilt built up inside about decisions we made for Bennett and decisions we made while he was in the hospital. The shoulda, coulda, woulda’s…but we didn’t and now we can’t. No matter how much faith you have inside of you, there is always a conscience part of you that wonders “what if” I had done something different. I know I don’t have any medical training, but I think that is why I have these dreams. It is the mom in me that wants to save my baby boy. All of the regret I have for not being there when he crashed. The fear I have about something happening to Ellie Grace. It is so overwhelming for me that it invades my dreams.
To be honest it is exhausting to relive my son’s death every single night. On the other hand, it is such a wonderful time because I am usually holding him and enjoying him before he dies…so it is like being with him again. My dreams are a blessing and a curse all at the same time.
In other news…
Ellie Grace is growing right along. She is attempting to expand her vocab and is really enjoying swimming in the pool. She has decided that she can tell us when she wants something and when she doesn’t…she vigorously shakes her head from side to side to indicate a NO. We are working on teaching her “no thank you” in order to avoid any visits to the time out carpet for shaking her head no with her eyes crossed while wagging her finger at us. I mean to tell you…she has a mind of her own!
Eating with Ellie has become a bit more interesting as her food allergies have become a bit more stubborn. No acidic foods, no ranch dressing, she will not eat lunch meat or cantaloupe and really does not prefer milk. So, we are working on it one day at a time. As long as I don’t have to breast feed her until she is 5 we’ll be fine!!! I will post some new pics of the princess as soon as they are downloaded.
2 weeks ago