On the day our son was burried

On the day our son was buried I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I wanted to go back in time one year a three days and hold him in my arms again. I wanted to hear his voice and smell his sweet skin. I wanted to feel his silky hair and feel his heart beat. I just wanted him.

Instead, I was reminded that my world still has to go on. I woke up with our one and a half year old that cut THREE bottom teeth this week at 8:30 and hit the carpet running…for the phone that is. It was business as usual as I got Ellie Grace ready for errands we needed to run. She has been unpredictable and irritable the past few days and I am sure it can all be credited to the two bloody molars that have recently cut through her gums and the forth bottom tooth that just made an appearance.

All of the errands for our business were done and I decided to treat myself to a to-go sushi roll from my favorite restaurant in the Galleria area. I got home and ate with Ellie Grace…which today felt like a chore. I just couldn’t manage to get anything accomplished today. No energy. No emotion. No…me.

I decided that today was the perfect day to just sit and rock Ellie. She needed it and I needed her, so it was a perfect fit. As she slept in my arms the thunder crashed outside. It had gone from a hot and sunny day to black clouds and rain in a matter of minutes ~ that’s Texas weather for you. All of a sudden it occurred to me that there just HAD to be a rainbow outside of our house. (Right before our IVF I saw a double rainbow…a sign of our two miracles!?!?) In the midst of my sadness and Ellie’s nap I had this “feeling” that there was a big rainbow from our Bennett outside of our house. A message from Heaven just for us to keep our faith on this horrible day. I opened the shutters in the living room and I was blinded by the sun. It was bizarre because it was pouring outside, but the sun was beaming through my back window. I checked the sky…no rainbow. I felt a little deflated for a minute and then I decided to check the front. I ran to the office to get the camera and headed for the front door. As soon as I opened it I was greeted with a perfect message from Heaven. There, right in front of my house was the perfect rainbow. I know it was sent to me from my Bennett to remind me not to fall down and forget my faith. I know it was sent to perk me up and make me remind myself of all that I have to be grateful for. It was sent from our little boy.

This is only the second time it has stormed since Ellie has been older. She would hear the thunder crash outside and come running with fear in her voice, “Mommy!!!.” I told her that it was Bubba playing in Heaven. About the third time she looked at me and said, “Bubba?” I reaffirmed the question in her voice and said, “Yes, Bubba…in Heaven…playing.”

All I can do is pray. Pray that I am right and that our little man is up in Heaven watching down over us. Pray that one day we will meet again and all of the dreams I have will once again come true. Pray that God will bless us with the chance to be parents again to another miracle child. It all comes down to prayer.

I remember exactly what I did last year on this day. I remember every single small detail about the day. I remember shaking like a leaf on the stage at church telling all of you about our son, I remember kissing Bennett’s small casket and it leaving a lipstick stained kiss and I remember looking at Brandon in the limo on the way home after the service and asking him, “What do we do now?” I remember all of it. I love those memories. They are the link I have to the best days of my life. They are my past and I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world...except maybe reliving them.

This week has been long. It has been emotionally exhausting. It has been filled with sleepless nights and reoccurring nightmares. But, it is all because of Bennett and that makes it all worth it.

Thank you to all of our friends that sent cards and kind emails. We are thankful for each and every one of you. Truly, those words are what get us through some of our days. We would also like to thank whoever put flowers in Bennett’s vase at the cemetery. We go out every Sunday to place fresh flowers on Bennett’s grave, but we did keep the flowers to put there on a weekday visit. We thank you for your love and devotion to our little blessing ~ it means the world to know that we are not the only people out there visiting Bennett. From the very bottom of our hearts…Thank you.