One year ago today

One year ago today at 1:30 in the afternoon our phone rang. That phone call would change our lives forever. On the other end was one of our neonatologists. His words are eternally etched into my memory…”Mrs. Kahl there has been a problem with Bennett…his heart stopped and we are trying to save him. Can you get to the hospital?”

Brandon didn’t know what was happening. He was rocking Ellie Grace in our living room after a morning of swimming. I was organizing a lunch for us to eat before I went up to the hospital to visit my chunky monkey. Then just as quick as it began…it came to a crashing end. I remember running from the kitchen to our bedroom yelling to Brandon that Bennett was dying and we needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible b/c they didn’t think they could keep him alive long enough for us to get there. On that day one doctor and a team of nurses resuscitated our precious little prince for over an hour, so we would have time to say good-bye.

Medically speaking, Bennett died at 2:35 on June 15th in his father’s arms, but I know that his spirit was already gone by the time we got to the hospital on June 12th. This day changed my life forever.

So, how do you spend such a day 365 days later? I suppose you could lie in bed with swollen eyes because you cried yourself to sleep the night before. However, if you are me you can’t sleep and you are out of bed by 5:15 AM. That’s right…I was in our office by 5:15 this morning completing a bow order because of my insomnia/heartache. I worked like a machine until 7:30 when Ellie woke up and then worked again until 11:00. Like a person on autopilot, I got dressed and drove to one of our stores to deliver bows. One bow delivery, lunch and stop at the bank later I was back on the road with tears in my eyes. I was driving down the Westpark Tollway – the road we traveled to see Bennett – and I couldn’t help myself. All of my fear and sorrow is still as fresh as it was one year ago. The anxiety and sadness is so overwhelming. I repeat that day in my head almost every day. Why did we take Ellie to the pool on THAT day? Why wasn’t someone with Bennett when all of this happened to him? Was he scared? Did he feel pain? Will I ever stop feeling pain? Why did this happen to Brandon on Father’s Day? Why do I feel so much guilt for spending Bennett’s last night alive with him instead of Brandon? Will my prince really be waiting at Heaven’s Gates for us someday?

I have some very wonderful friends that know exactly what I am talking about. Martha, Jodi, Heather, Aunt Mary and my gift from God, mother-in-law, all know the pain of losing a child. It is like nothing else in this world. I can’t begin to describe how it feels to call a florist and order a spray of flowers to lay over your child’s grave for the “anniversary” of their death. Aren’t anniversaries something we celebrate anyway?

I think one of the most impossible things about this year is that Bennett Day is actually on Father’s Day. I honestly can’t imagine how Brandon maintains himself. He is so strong and faithful. There is guilt on my part for having had Mother’s Day with my precious miracles last year. Spending brunch with Ellie Grace and then heading to the hospital to bathe Bennett and play with him. Brandon was robbed of all of that and he has never been ungrateful for one minute. He is noble and wonderful and he is mine! I am so proud.

Now here we are. One year and seven hours later. Both thinking about what we were doing at this exact moment one year ago. Both wishing we could turn back time. Both missing the other best thing that has ever happened to us…our son.

Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers.