As I was driving along the road yesterday a single raindrop fell against my windshield. In that moment I was reminded of a conversation I had with Bennett in his last few hours of life.
When we got to the hospital that Tuesday afternoon we hoped against hope that Bennett would somehow pull through this devastating blow he had suffered. As more and more tests were run it became clearer that God was choosing Bennett to come back to His home. It was in the following 72 hours that I had to share a lifetime of conversations with my little man. If you have children you can imagine fitting their lifetime into a few hours…seemingly impossible, but we took our lemons and attempted from that moment on to make lemonade. We talked about everything from here to there and back again. In one of my last days with Bennett I felt compelled to tell him that I would never forget him…ever and that it was okay for him to go. I would think of him for every first raindrop that hit my windshield, for every lady bug I would crawl on my skin, and for every rainbow that I was blessed enough to see. I would remember him when a beautiful butterfly would dance near me and when the birds would sing. He could remember me by the smile that all of those things bring to my face. It was a private conversation between my angel boy and me…until today.
The moment that the raindrop hit my windshield a smile crept across my face. That day and that conversation gave me chills and I sat there driving and remembering. All of a sudden Ellie chimed in from the backseat with, “Bubba, Bubba?” I am not a woman that believes in coincidence, so moments like that are special to me. Bennett was there with both of us yesterday…aren’t we so blessed…
Today my babies are 20 months old. It seems impossible to think that tomorrow will mark 14 months since Bennett died. Impossible. Impossible to think that is the last time I held him. Impossible to realize that time really does march on and the impossible starts to become a little possible…maybe.
We finally got the final call about Bennett’s medical records. You won’t believe this…or maybe you will. For his last month of life it will cost us $780 to view the records. Just to see what happened and relive it all over again. You would think they would take mercy on parents that have lost a child and just give them a portion, but no! And the cost is absolutely ridiculous. I mean after 6 million dollars of medical bills (some covered, some not covered) you would think they could just give you the records, but no! So, in the middle of preparing to meet with our doctor about another IVF round (that’s NOT covered from the 1st one) we are faced with choosing to pay almost $1000 for Bennett’s records…for his last month of life. It is just such a deflating feeling. I always see people standing on the sides of our Houston roads with signs about needing help or donating money to them and I always feel for them...So, I recently thought to myself about what my sign would look like if I were out there:
Can’t get pregnant on own ~ want to try IVF again
Lost a child and need to buy medical records to understand what happened to him
Sure! That will never happen, but I just had to vent! It’s frustrating to be in this situation. Frustrating that we live every 15th of the month with a sad and lonely feeling in our hearts because it’s Bennett Day. Frustrating that something that should be so natural (getting pregnant) costs me upwards of 15,000 a try. It is just a long and exhausting life until that one little raindrop hits your windshield and you are reminded of how lucky you are...
Biddy (B’s mom) came over to watch Ellie Grace today while I did some work and she walked through the door with a pink balloon (for her 20 month bday). By the end of the day she was saying “Happy Birthday to me” ~ NO KIDDING! She is amazing! We are working on going on the big person potty and she thinks that she needs to tear a piece of toilet paper off every few seconds and just throw it in the potty…I am thinking I need to get to Sam’s quickly to get some more TP. Silly little lady!
I have a small prayer request for my sister-in-law’s mother. Her name is Janet and she is going to have deep brain stimulation surgery tomorrow to help her Parkinson’s disease. I would appreciate all of you keeping her in your thoughts and prayers!
2 weeks ago