Who ever said that time heals all wounds never felt this pain before. This past week was probably one of the hardest I have had to endure this past year. Easter was especially hard I think because we were with Bennett last year and I remember every detail of that day...this year I was putting flowers on his grave. This past weekend was the NICU reunion. While we were so excited to see all of our friends, it was hard to think that the majority of our NICU time was spent cheering our little Chunky Monkey on and he wasn't even there with us...physically, that is.
Let me rewind to the week before Easter. Busy, busy, busy we were with bows, baskets, family pictures and thinking of our little man. I must have slept about 10 hours that week. Easter came and stayed for what seemed like an eternity. Ellie made her debut back to church, and BOY, was she a challenge! I ended up walking about a mile outside our church around the lake, which actually made me feel like Bennett was right there with us...strange how things happen. After church we went to visit Bennett and give him some fresh flowers and then we were off to Aunt Connie and Uncle Tim's house. We ate brunch and then Ellie Grace went on her very first Easter egg hunt. With baskets in tow we headed home so that daddy could pack for his first business trip. Monday morning brought a new week and one that I thought would be better than the last. The first three days flew by, because Brandon was in Dallas and I was busy every day with Ellie and BOWS! On Wednesday, Brandon arrived back at home and it was time to relax!
The rest of the week was spent preparing for our NICU reunion. This was such an ordeal for me becuase I knew we would see the people that were such a huge part of our lives for the past year and a half. I was excited, but so sad at the same time. From the minute that the twins were born Brandon and I knew that this event would be something we would look forward to doing together. We arrived and the first person we saw was Bennett's nurse Agnes. Agnes is someone you just can't explain with words. She is one of the most amazing women I have ever had the privilege of meeting. Seeing her brought tears to my eyes... We also ran into one of Bennett's surgeons. He performed more than three surgeries on our little prince and rounded on him a few dozen times. He didn't recognize us at first and I told him I didn't blame him...he only see's a few hundred people a day! He responded with, "Oh, no, Bennett was special. I am not exactly sure what God's plan was for Bennett though. I mean, he suffered for a majority of his life and then as soon as we had him on the right path out of here, he died!" This would seem shocking to most people...if you didn't know the doc as well as we do! The thing about life though, is none of us know what this mission is about. We spend our lives walking the path that God created for us. Each event is predetermined by Him and will shape every event to come in the future. So, I don't really expect to know exactly what Bennett's mission was here on earth. I think I have an idea, but let's face it...I will spend the rest of my life thinking/wondering about it. As people began to arrive at the reunion we started to see friends and "neighbors" that the twins had in the NICU. It was amazing to see these TINY babies all "grown" up. They had long hair and smiles...it is a true miracle to see a baby go from less than one pound to almost 20! Some of the families have had new babies...and YES, they were born full term! This was awesome to see and it gave us hope! The day was long and emotionally exhausting. We came home and all three of us fell asleep for THREE hours!!!
Today, we went out to see Bennett. It was raining...and I hate that! I know where Bennett's soul lives, but that is still my little boy out there. I find myself standing next to him reminding myself that this is real. I really am visiting my precious little boy, that I prayed for years to have, in a cemetary. These really are flowers for him and I did try to find blue ones, so that everyone that saw them would know he is a little boy. I really do buy things I see for him and think that he will enjoy them. I do imagine what he is doing every second of every day, even when it seems like I'm not. I do look at Ellie Grace and imagine what Bennett would be like...and my heart still does ache all the time. So, I keep praying and hoping that time will heal this broken heart I have. I know we will never get over losing Bennett. I know we will never forget every single minute we spent with him in the hospital. But, I know we will see him again when our path finally leads us to him.
Ellie Grace news:
Oh, Ellie Grace!!! (I say while smiling and shaking my head) What do I say about the MOST strong willed 15 month old I have ever met??? She is something else. She has expanded her vocabulary to include: up, down, ugh-oh, and a variety of other words that she seems to think we can understand...
She is a walking machine and LOVES to eat fat free hot dogs and chicken salad sandwiches. She really loves to eat anything that we are eating...and there isn't much she doesn't like.
She loves to sit in Bennett's bouncy chair (yes, the baby bouncy chair...at 23 pounds!) and every single time she sits there she looks up at the moblie and says, "bubba, bubba." The amazing thing about that is that neither Brandon nor myself have ever said anything about that being Bennett's...but, it is clear as day when she says it.
Tomorrow we are making our first trip to the zoo. Ellie is fascinated with animals and people, so the zoo should be right up her ally.
March for Babies update:
I have to say that our team is up to $900.00!!!!!!!!!! I feel so blessed when I check our site and another friend has donated or volunteered to become a part of our team. You will never know how much this means to Brandon and me. There are only a few ways we can honor Bennett with all of you and this is one of them...so, thank you from deep down in my heart. We aren't stopping here though. We have friends that have raised THOUSANDS of dollars and we know we can too! So, send those emails. Attach pictures of us, so your friends can see the miracles that benefit from their generous donations. The technology that was available for Bennett and Ellie are gifts from all those in the past that have supported this organization. A special thanks to Kim, Leslie and Ashley. These three fantastic ladies have raised about $600.00 together...keep it up!
Thanks for keeping up with us and our sites. These journal entries are like therapy for me. It's a way for me to say what I need to say...and whether or not anyone reads them, they help me get all of my thoughts out of my head!
Brandon, Angie, Ellie Grace and our little angel
2 weeks ago