I’ve never written about this…

I’ve never written about one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life and it has been weighing heavy on my heart lately. 

 

It was hard to calculate the twins odds of survival while I was on bed rest with them.

It was hard to see them for the first time b/c they were so tiny and fragile.

It was hard when I had to leave them in the NICU for the first time after I was discharged.

It was hard to leave Ellie at home for the first time to go visit Bennett alone.

It was hard to get that phone call from the doctor…the one telling us to please hurry, so we could say good-bye.

But, nothing was as hard as walking out of that hospital without my son forever. 

period.

I remember that day all the time.  I remember walking the path to the door as my two feet carried me, but I don’t remember feeling alive.

I remember the sliding door to the hospital door opening and feeling the heat on my face, but I don’t remember breathing in the air.

I remember looking at the valet attendant and shaking my head, but I don’t remember speaking any words.

Part of me went with Bennett that day.

 

My life doesn’t slow down often enough for me to grieve when I need to.  Today is one of those days that I am finding it hard to breath.

 

I love this picture…true love.