One year older...one year wiser?

Hello, 30! Yes…today I am one year older and as the saying goes…one year wiser. Well, you would think that after the year we have had I would be one wiser. However, I haven’t really figured out what I am…grateful, yes…empty, sometimes…I think it might take me a while to figure it out.

I was thinking about the last decade of my life today and I can’t believe all the wonderful things that have happened. I met Brandon at 21 years old. I graduated at 22 and got my first job and I was married by 23. We bought, sold and then built a new house by 25 years old. For the next three years we would battle infertility. I am convinced that this is one of the biggest battles married couples face and we made it through with flying colors. By 29 I had given birth to premature twins and I was the happiest woman in the world. Nothing could rock my world…not even having a precious baby boy still in the hospital…until June 15, 2006. When you think about it, that is a lot of change in 10 years. It is a lot of emotional highs and lows for anyone to handle and honestly, I never thought twice about the events in our life. I never considered us as having a “rough time.” I never considered our circumstances to be hard to handle. I have never felt sorry for the times we have faced. I am still grateful for every single experience and moment in the last 10 years and the previous 20 for that matter. I am; however, empty a lot of the time, even after all of that.

As Ellie was hugging me today, I reminded myself how sweet my life really is. I remember rushing to the hospital at 11 weeks pregnant praying that I was not miscarrying and that there was at least one baby still alive and growing. All along I just prayed to God to give us one healthy baby. And He did! I am never disappointed or ungrateful for the path I have led. I am a mother of two babies and a wife to a wonderful husband. I am a daughter to awesome parents and a friend to the best friends and girl could ask for. I am lucky at 30 years old to have had the life I have had.

I have been reading a book that talks about dealing with the loss of a child. It is so interesting to read about the “facts” that the authors have researched. One states that by 8 months most fathers of a deceased child have “come to terms” with their loss and by 12 months most mothers have reached the same point. My question…WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!?!?! Here I am almost 11 months later and I feel like it was yesterday. No, I haven’t “come to terms” with what happened. I don’t feel any better or have any more clarity. It has been a difficult day because I want to enjoy this birthday (it is monumental!), but it is hard when I feel so conflicted inside. How do I say goodbye to one of the best/worst years of my life? Every single month has been hard to say goodbye to…how can I say goodbye to a year? So many thoughts are racing in my mind…so many memories…so many questions…so many hopes for the years to come.

So it comes down to this. I pray that my next 30 years are as blessed as the last. I hope that we have as many joys and only half of the sorrow. We are the believers we are today because of the events in our life. I wouldn’t change a second of it! I know I will spend the next 30 years searching for peace and still feeling like it was yesterday that I was with my little boy. I will spend the next 30 years holding Ellie Grace and being thankful for God’s gifts to us. I will spend the next 30 years fearless…knowing that the last 30 is probably the hardest I will endure and I only have greatness to look forward to. So, HELLO, 30…I look forward to the wonders you will bring!

March for Babies update:
T-minus 3 days. The time is ticking and Sunday is right around the corner. We have raised over $1800.00 as a team and we are still going! THAT IS UNBELIEVEABLE! You are all so wonderful to be so supportive and generous. We are still planning to meet at 6:15-6:30 at the Waterview Estates clubhouse. We will then drive to Robertson Stadium and register by 7AM. We will try to have a meeting spot near registration, so we can gather the whole team together. You may turn in your money at registration time and collect your free t-shirt if you raised over $200.00. We will all be wearing navy t-shirts as a team…if you have one available. Brandon and I are hosting a “Thank You” crawfish boil next Sunday, May 3rd, beginning at 3PM. Please email us through babysites.com if you are planning to attend. Again, thank you. As I stated before ~ having all of you there is the best birthday gift I could ever ask for! See you on Sunday! GO TEAM CHUNKY MONKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!