What might have been…

In the last week I have decided to acknowledge the fact that I have been struggling recently. 

Sometimes, I will glance at Cullen and I’ll see Bennett’s eyes.  I wonder if this is what Bennett MIGHT have looked like if he wasn’t constantly hooked up to machines and if he had been able to spend more time awake.

I find myself wondering if Bennett MIGHT have made the same grunting noises had he not had a vent tube in his mouth for over 4 months of his life.

I wonder if my arms MIGHT be the only ones that Bennett would have wanted to be consoled in…like Cullen.

I wonder if this is what Bennett would have looked like in this outfit…if he had ever had the chance to wear it.

I wonder if Bennett would have loved to nurse like this…

I wonder if he would have slept next to me in bed…

Lately, I find myself wondering what MIGHT have been…

Some people will take this the wrong way.  I am not trying to compare…or wishing anything to be different.  I just never prepared myself to go through these emotions.  It never occurred to me that having another son would stir up these thoughts. 

I think maybe this is just part of MY grieving process. 

I feel like I finally have a second to process what we have been through these last three years and I am feeling like I now know what I have missed.  And to be honest it is tough…very tough. 

Cullen is the answer to so many prayers.  All three of my babies are answers to a million prayers.  I have missed Bennett terribly since the day he had the “episode”.  While the reality of knowing he isn’t here anymore is with me daily, the raw pain slowly gets a little less. 

Then all of a sudden I have this new life.

A different life. 

A little boy life. 

And it evokes a million memories that have deliberately been repressed over the last few years. 

The pain is as fresh as it was the day he died.

Suddenly, three years feels like it happened yesterday.

None of this is BECAUSE of Cullen.  It is simply because to function the last three years I had to push a lot of the pain and memories aside.  Now, with this beautiful little boy I am forced to face my demons. 

Step 1: Going through all of Bennett’s clothes to pick out what we would keep and use for Cullen.

Step 2: Delivering Cullen safely and bringing him home.

I am blessed.  I love Cullen for just being Cullen.  I love that he has a head of dark hair, dark blue eyes and that he has a squeaky cry.  I love that he is here and he is healthy and he is OURS! 

But, the truth is this battle has left me scarred.  I have a lot to work through and I am just figuring that all out. 

I think this is the beginning.

I think my babies are the start of my healing rain.

And I have all the confidence that God will guide me through this valley just as He has before.

He is already doing His work…acknowledging these feelings is the first step towards working through them.

So, in the meantime I am just going to sit her and rock my miracle boy…

And take my baby girl to have a spa day…

And watch Cullen wonder what that whirlwind, that is his sister, really is!!!

But, that doesn’t mean I won’t always have this angel on my mind…

Blessings,

Angie