I honestly can not believe this day is here already.
FIVE years ago (yesterday) I gave birth to two of the most amazing miracles ever created.
I did not prepare myself well enough for this day to come…or maybe, the truth is, no mom really can. Five is a huge milestone and to me it’s been one that arrived too soon!
December 14th is always a struggle for me. I am so thrilled to see Ellie grow and each year her excitement for her birthday grows. But, on the inside I grieve for Bennett. I always wonder more on this day than any other…what would he look like, would he be as rambunctious as Cullen or as sweet and calm as he was as a baby. What would his favorite color be and what food would he request on his special day.
I know all of those things about Ellie. I knew what color outfit she would love. I knew where she would want to go for dinner. I knew the smile that would creep up on her face when she saw the birthday donuts that Freddy the Elf brought her.
Half of my heart is full on this day and the other half is full of wonder.
As soon as my feet touched the ground we were busy. Busy prepping the birthday girls breakfast and wrapping a gift (nothing like last minute). Tears found their way to my eyes for the brief minute that I sat alone in the kitchen. Only one plate…when there should be two. Only one chocolate milk and one chair for one birthday girl…when there should be two. I doubt this day will ever be an easy one for us.
After a morning of celebrating for our little girl that is so full of life we were off to celebrate the little boy that lived such a short life.
Balloons, flowers and a grave site are what came next. Every parents nightmare.
Now that we moved clear across the city we are over an hour away from the cemetery. I HATE this about where we live. I have actually asked Brandon to look into having Bennett moved closer to us because I have always (and I fear always will) feel close to him when we are at the cemetery. I know people always say, “that’s just his body…his spirit is in Heaven” and I totally get that! But, I know that when I am at the cemetery I am only a few feet away from the little boy’s body I carried for seven months, held as often as I could in my arms for six months and that I love more than life itself.
Daddy did a great job with the flowers and my heart felt a little better when we raced out of there on our way to Texas Children’s for the kiddos CF clinic.
CF clinic is not exactly what Ellie had in mind when she pictured her perfect birthday. And the throat swab to get a sputum sample was definitely NOT what she signed up for! She hates that part of clinic and I am so proud that we didn’t have to call in reinforcements to hold her down in order to collect the sample. A little bribery worked like a charm! Clinic was pretty normal minus the alarming news that Cullen cultured pseudomonas AGAIN.
A number of short, un-lady like words flew through my brain when we got that news.
I love TOBI for the wonderful drug that it is, but I D.R.E.A.D administering it to Cullen twice a day for the next 28 days. I fear we will be making TOBI a regular part of our neb treatment for poor Cullen which is a total bummer.
We were done with clinic at 4 and off to eat an early dinner with Mimi. The birthday girl chose mexican food, so Pappasito’s was the destination! It was the best ending to a milestone day in our baby girls world.
Blessings,
Angie
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