Bennett and Ellie Grace: did you know…

The holidays are always hard. Yes, we have two beautiful miracle children, but did you know we held Bennett for the first time on Christmas Day four years ago.

Visiting our church is hard. We love our church. It is a tie that binds us to our past. However, every single time I enter the doors I see that tiny white casket in the front row.

Visiting your child in a cemetery is hard. Well, that is just a given. It never gets “normal” to plan on visiting the cemetery. To pick flowers up at the florist and to give the answer, “they are for our son’s grave” when asked what you will be doing with such beautiful flowers. It never feels okay to leave my baby boy there.

Hearing this song in church brought tears to my eyes. Holding Cullen during Christmas Eve service and looking over at Brandon and Ellie, I felt like my heart might burst. Full of pride for my miracles, gratefulness for their lives, and sadness for the little boy that was missing from our family.

These lyrics paralyzed me because they felt like they were written for my life.

Did you know

That this baby boy has come to make you new

That this child that you delivered

Will soon deliver you

Did you know

That your baby boy has walked where angels trod?

and when you kiss your little baby

You’ve kissed the face of God

Did you know

That your baby boy is Heaven’s perfect lamb.

This sleeping child you’re holding

is the Great I am.

My children are my heart and soul. I have said it before…they are the life in my breath. Through our years of infertility I was lost and incomplete. My life, along with its blessings and tragedies is what it is today because of my babies.

I am sure people in church that caught a glimpse of this crazy mom crying while she rocked her little boy thought I had lost my mind! The truth is I could relate to that song. To that miracle child. I could relate to that feeling of being
“delivered” by just holding that tiny life in my arms. I know what it feels like to look in my child’s eyes and see the eyes of God because I did it every single time I looked at Bennett. Those eyes were so innocent, kind and pure.

This song moved me.

And as we prepared to celebrate the birth of Jesus, I was reminded of the miraculous births of my three angels.

As moved as I was…and as many times as we told Ellie that the true reason we celebrate is because it is Jesus’ birthday…Christmas Eve was still filled with excitement and anticipation as we prepared for SANTA.

With the family all dressed up and the kiddos in matching smocked outfits, we headed out the door and off to church. Cullen hasn’t been to church yet because it is just too risky for him to be exposed to that many germs during this time of year. Christmas Eve was the exception we were willing to make. We met our good friends there and 8 seats in the front row later we were all settled in for the service. The girls were very good and B only had to separate Ellie once by force! The service was amazing and before we knew it we were lighting candles and it was over. As we were exiting we noticed all of the umbrellas…and wet people…and then I looked outside and it looked like a full blown monsoon had blown in! YIKES! There we were with two kiddos that are high risk for infection in a super crowded foyer of the church with NO UMBRELLA! Cullen was screaming in his carrier and Ellie was running around like she had no manners at all! B went to get the car and my friends hubby offered to carry Ellie out in the pouring rain while I carried Cullen in his seat. We spotted B pulling up to the front and we took off running (me in 4 inch heels!). B didn’t see us and kept driving!!! So, in pouring rain and lightening we were chasing my husband through the church parking lot with two babies! Merry Christmas! We finally caught him and got the babies dried of and I caught my breath! B helped them get their kiddos in the car and then we were off. Cullen was NOT happy and we were all soaked. So, our plans of a nice family dinner were scrapped and we hit the local fried chicken joint for a to-go meal instead! We laughed all the way home with our last minute meal, but it actually worked out in the end.

After warming up and getting our jammies on, we baked and decorated cookies for SANTA, put out food for the reindeer and then it was off to bed.

The elves worked late into the late, but the look on Ellie’s face in the morning was worth every single minute of work! Unfortunately, our little princess was feeling under the weather. Not even the Bar.bie jeep she had begging Santa for was worth getting overly excited about. After presents she asked if she could lay on the couch and watch a movie! WHAT??? With all of those new gifts to play with I thought she would be running a million miles a minute through the house. Not the case. After administering some meds we cleaned up and headed out to Mimi and Grampy’s house to celebrate. We decided to keep the visit short just because our little girl needed to get home. So, three hours after we left we were back at home to relax! B set up Ellie’s new tent in front of the fire place and we all got warm and cozy and watched movies.

2010 2009

Our holiday was as amazing as it could possibly be. Every single time I held Cullen I thanked God for bringing him into this world safely. Last year, I was praying that this year I would have a healthy baby to hold and healthy he IS! Ellie was an absolute joy to watch this year, too. Her innocence makes you appreciate the season even more than you typically would.

Brandon and I are so blessed by the wonders of His love!