My Child

My Child - Plumb

Peacefully you are sleeping
Silently you dream
And I cannot help but feeling blessed
While watching you

Your eyes
My eyes
Your smile
My smile
Your love
My gain
Your hurt
My pain
Your laugh
My joy
Every time, it's mine
You are my child

I will always protect you
Oh and I will even let you go
I'll spend the sweetest time holding you
And will let you grow

Your eyes
My eyes
Your smile
My smile
Your love
My gain
Your hurt
My pain
Your laugh
My joy
Every time, it's mine
You are my child

Don't ever be afraid
Don't ever be afraid
Cause I am here
And if you start to fear
Just close your eyes
And hear me say

Your love
My gain
Your hurt
My pain
Your laugh
My joy
Every time, it's mine
You are my child


my precious little angels: Bennett and Ellie Grace

My child is a song by an artist named Plumb…it is a beautiful song that touches my heart for a million reasons. I have been wishing lately that I could hear Bennett’s cry just one more time. You see, for the entire six months Bennett was in the hospital we might have heard him cry a total of 5 times. This is because he was constantly on the vent working as hard as he could to get back to a CPAP. When I heard this song it reminded me all over again of the things I am going to miss about being Bennett’s mom. I will miss his eyes…were they like mine or were they like his daddy’s? His smile…his sweet lips and the way they were always looking so peaceful. The song is just a true confession of what being a parent is like. It touched me so deeply… “I will always protect you…Oh and I will even let you go”.

This song makes me feel like I have so many things to say to Bennett. Things that I can not wait to say until we meet again at Heaven’s gates…so, I guess I should begin putting together a letter for my little man. I am sure it will take me some time to get it just right.

You probably won’t believe this…and I am even embarrassed to admit it. Anyway, on Saturday I was in the computer room and all of a sudden it dawned on me that it was July 19th…the 19th…this meant that the 15th was the week before. That meant that I had sailed through one of the worst weeks I’ve had in long time and didn’t even realize it was the 15th…Bennett Day. I have very bad anxiety issues and events like that one set off my attacks. OH NO!!! Did he think that we forgot about him? Surely, he was near us and he knew that our minds were racing with memories of him all week…or is there even a way for him to know that?

Let me back up to the beginning of last week. On Monday I sent our paperwork to our fertility doctor to look over before we go back for our next check-up. That was pretty much the exciting start to the week. Then Tuesday came and it brought a phone call from my partner that we had a HUGE and I mean HUGE order to fill in just a matter of days for one of our stores. So, back at the house we were with the monogramming machine on and the midnight oil burning (it was Bennett Day that day…how did I miss that?). On Wednesday Brandon was leaving to go out of town for a few days, so we decided to have lunch together before he left. I was on 610 (a major freeway in Houston) when as I was exiting my car shut down…breaks locked up and that was it! I panicked…it was 97 degrees outside and I had no clue about what to do to fix the car or who to call or anything. I called Brandon and he met me in a neighborhood near West University. He fiddled around the hood and then the car was back to normal…I was not so sure! We drove it to the dealership and then we all piled into his car and we were off to the airport so he could be on time for his flight. Our Mimi was flying in from Atlanta at the same time, so we picked her up and went off to eat and get home. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were fun filled single parent days with all of that work looming over my head. Thursday we picked the Armada up and it was all fixed…or so we think. Friday night we picked Brandon up and off to work I was in our office. This brought me to Saturday when I had the realization that we had just skipped over the 15th without realizing that it had passed. Disturbing…

I don’t know why, but I have so many fears and worries about Bennett being buried. I worry about everything out there. Rain, heat, cold…they all make me think of Bennett being buried out there. I know I have written about this before and I know that Bennett’s spirit is in Heaven. However, his tiny little body that I held in my arms in down in that box and I can’t do anything to help protect it from the heat or the rain or the cold. I think it is times like this that I know I need therapy…but does that mean that you are ready to talk about it and work on “getting over it” because if that is what it means that’s not what I want. I think that is why I started writing. I knew I needed to get all of this out, but I didn’t want to talk to someone that was going to try and make me feel better…what do they know.

So, anyway if you haven’t gathered it’s been a long couple of weeks. We are busy with work (praise God) but I just can’t get myself together. I can’t convince myself to cook dinner or to even leave this house unless we have set plans (which is almost everyday anyway). I’m just blah…sad and scared and tired and blah! I miss Bennett and I love Ellie Grace so much that it hurts sometimes. I am scared that we will never have another chance to be parents again and that scares me. This part of my life is a rollercoaster and this is just one of those down times…bear with me.

UPDATE TO TODAYS JOURNAL: We requested Bennett's medical records from the hospital, so that we can actually know what happened to him during that last few days and get this...just to read about what happened to Bennett will take over 7000 pages and almost $1200 to buy. Can you believe that I will have to fork over another $1200 just to read his medical history...For God sake I gave birth to him and didn't even get to take him home...shouldn't they just give the stupid medical history to me??? It's not like I can ever use it for another doctor...Where is the justice?????