Pain, pain go away!

Not much has changed in the last year. I was rereading my post from last July 4th and it was chilling because I still know that same pain. Once again it is raining outside and Bennett’s “freedom” outfit is still hanging in his closet.

It just doesn’t seem like a year has passed. I can remember every single detail about last July 4th. I remember watching the pouring rain from my rocking chair and being so thankful that I didn’t have to go out and celebrate. I deliberately kept Bennett’s outfit in the laundry room, so I could look at it and torture myself with the thoughts of what was supposed to be. Our little miracle man was supposed to be at home with us by July 4th. Instead we had just buried him two weeks before. What happened? I think about that every single day. What did happen? To be honest with you I can’t really answer that question and that is part of what eats me up. After one year of pain and sadness I still have questions about exactly what happened. I know that one of these days I will have the strength to try to figure it out. Now…is not that time.

We had so many wonderful offers to get together with friends and family this year and I found it so difficult to commit to any of them. I couldn’t decide what felt right. I knew visiting Bennett’s tree was a priority, but aside from that I don’t really have the strength to celebrate. I think it has to be hard to understand how effected we are still. Weeks and days that lead up to holidays are so painful for us. We don’t dump our feelings out to many people b/c if we did it would probably get really old, really fast. It is difficult to balance all of these thoughts and emotions.

Truthfully, it is hard to explain the emotions and feelings I have. It seems like I will go for days short tempered and tired and I don’t understand why. Then, it will dawn on me that I must be feeling pain somewhere inside. I don’t actually understand what’s going on when I am feeling that way. It takes me thinking about it to realize that it is just sadness…sadness that you don’t necessarily feel, but that is just there inside of you. Once I realize that the exhaustion and irritability is from my sadness I am able to snap out of it and move on for the next few days or weeks…until the next bout. I like that I am able to identify why I have those “episodes” and I love that Brandon is so understanding. We are a gift to each other in this circumstance. God truly knew what He was doing when he combined our hearts forever.

So, on this rainy Independence Day we have decided to visit Rees and Sophia (our NICU friends) so the kids can celebrate together. It is difficult to celebrate on a day that is more like a brutal reminder of what should have been… However, every single time I look at Ellie Grace I am thankful for ‘what is’.

Happy Independence Day!