Happy Daddy’s Day!

I want to dedicate this very special 100th blog entry to my wonderful, caring, compassionate, funny, hardworking, handsome, loving, did I mention funny…husband and father of the two most incredible blessings I have ever been given.

This month marks the 9th year that B and I have been together…pretty amazing! In that time we have been blessed to create some of the most unbelievable memories. We have laughed together, cried together, planned together, and traveled together. Celebrated together, argued together and lost together. We have moved together and changed careers together. We went through infertility together, got pregnant and watched me grow…together. We lived in a hospital room together for three weeks! We watched our beautiful miracles make it into this world tiny and helpless…together. We were at the hospital with them every single day together. We were together with Ellie when she went home and we were together at home when they called us about Bennett. We were together while we planned Bennett’s last days on this earth and we were together every minute of every day after that.

T.O.G.E.T.H.E.R ~ Every step of the way.

I can’t imagine watching any one else sing lullabies to our little girl. I can’t imagine watching any one else arrange fresh flowers into a beautiful bouquet every Sunday for our baby boy. I can’t imagine my life without B.

We still joke together, we still dance together, we still pray together and we still love together.

My husband…the father of our two beautiful children…is my hero. My rock…my truth…my love.

Thank you B, for making every single day of this life worth it. You are amazing (and sometimes amazingly irritating), but the truth is you are my everything.

Happy Father’s Day to the most deserving and grateful father I have ever known.

It is my prayer to spend many more days honoring you…with many more children!!!

With all of my heart,
A

I wish...

I wish I had a different post to write tonight.

I wish I were on top of the world and writing about the double yolk egg I cracked open this morning.

I wish I had been able to sleep in this morning rather than getting up at 6am to finish work that I put off until the last minute.

I wish that my FEV1 hadn’t dropped 7% since my last visit to the CF clinic (My cystas out there will be able to tell me if that is common)

I wish I was healthy and in shape.

I wish I didn’t have to depend on one hours worth of treatments AM and PM to hopefully get my FEV1 back up to where it was. (Not complaining b/c I know many CFers do a ton more than me…it just made this a very real disease for me today…but, I am grateful that I have meds to take that can help me…just had to clarify that)

I wish I didn’t pay $12 for valet parking today.

I wish it would rain.

I wish I wasn’t alone at the doctor when they gave me Brandon’s Ambry results…he has a very rare CF mutation. (p.s686Y…Any Cystas know someone with it?)

I wish I wasn’t crying as I typed this.

I wish I hadn’t broken down into uncontrollable sobbing when she handed me the results…I hate feeling so vulnerable and weak.

I wish my doctor didn’t tell me, “Adoption is probably a better option”

I wish I could do something to get our lives out of this downward spiral they seem to be in.

I wish I had the answer as to what we should do next.

I wish adoption was going to be easy.

I just wish I could make a difference… I wish I could trust the faith I have had about our journey…but, I am questioning it. Are we making the best decisions for our family and my health? Should we risk trying to reharvest embryos and have them pre-genetically tested at Day 3? Will anyone ever choose us to adopt, love and raise their baby?

There are huge risks…but, without risk you have no reward.

Today was heartbreaking.

I have been praying and praying about these results and I was just positive they would be favorable. Heartbroken and speechless; that is what I am tonight.

I do have a little bit of good news…it’s random, but it’s good and I’m up for looking for the silver lining in every day:
I LOVE the new scentport I got from Bath and Body works…it makes my whole house smell yummy!
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the new Tahoe I got last week. You see, the central computer system in my Armada had a huge glitch in it and would just shut my car down randomly when I put on the brakes. Last week it happened on the frontage road of Beltway 8 and that was the last straw.
I LOVE it when Ellie tells me, “We’re best friend’s mommy!” That melts my heart!!!

Wordy Wednesday

So, it will be a wordy Wednesday because I will post again this afternoon after my CF clinic appointment.

For now, I will leave you with pictures from the past week. Enjoy!!

"Here they come, Bubba!"

The family

What a doll!

Silly!

Big helper

Happy Bennett Day

Giving Bubba his new angel

Beauty!

Cousins

"I want to eat!"

Rhys man!

(sigh) we made it through…one more to go.

I couldn’t get out of bed this morning. I didn’t want to. Ellie was cuddled up next to me and I just couldn’t imagine anywhere else in the world I would rather be. I didn’t want 2:35 pm to come and go and then it would officially two years since we held out precious baby angel in our arms while he took his last breath.

Then I decided to get up and at least have a cup of coffee in the quiet. That turned into checking emails and then actually going running with the girls in the neighborhood. It was a good release of built up emotion.


Back at home I had to clean the kitchen, check more emails, organize our bedroom and make the bed…and then I realized that just because I needed to sit back and cry all day at every change of the hour ~ my day and my memories were not going to stop. I remembered telling Bennett it was okay to let go today (10:15am), giving Bennett his last bath (11:30am), as I watched our family one by one say goodbye to their little hero, as we gathered around for one last prayer(1:30) and then as they began to slowly unhook Bennett from his monitors and then extubate him (2:00). It was at 2:35 today that I froze. My baby had just taken his last breath and he was gone…just like that…gone. I held my baby’s lifeless body for about an hour after he was gone. I had to memorize every single part of his tiny body. I had to tell him all of those last minute things any mommy would want her baby to know. I wanted to smell his head and stare at him in the adorable outfit he was wearing. My beautiful baby had been gone for two years today at 2:35…

After that time, I had to continue to run around. Picking up Biddie, picking up the casket spray, dropping off a prescription and then coming back home to get ready for our Bennett Day celebration.

Brandon wore his baby blue shirt to work today…a tribute to his precious little man. Ellie looked absolutely beautiful in her all white with a touch of baby blue in her bow. Mommy was just put together…as much as she could be expected to be on “this” day.

The whole family gathered around Bennett’s headstone and beautiful casket spray with baby blue balloons and a message for our little man. One by one the wishes soared through the sky on their way to our beautiful Bennett on his special day. Aside from the tears falling and the birds singing it was silent as the balloons flew past us. Until…Ellie screamed out, “Here they come, Bubba. See! Here they come. The balloons are going to Heaven!” That pretty much got the whole crew crying! Then my mom yells out...”Wait…the date is wrong!” What? I couldn’t even imagine what she was talking about…what date? OH NO!!! THE DATE WAS WRONG ON MY BABY’S HEADSTONE! So, here we are with another mountain to climb…the “we’re going to be buying another headstone” mountain because we proofed the headstone with the wrong date on it!

I guess that kind of gives you an idea of how out of it we are these days! Who messes the dates up on their child’s headstone? Apparently, we do! January…June…HUGE difference!

The graveside family get together was beautiful. I love making Bennett’s place look beautiful with fresh white and blue flowers…it was breathtaking.

Dinner followed at Benihana with the crazy atmosphere that most of our family get together times have. We were super blessed to have Ms. Candy and Rhys join us and I loved every minute of that little man! He is so awesome (and so is Ms. Candy by the way) and dinner wouldn’t have been the same with out them.

Tomorrow and Wednesday will be spent much like they were two years ago. BUSY! I have a visit with the doctor tomorrow to have my spots cut out and biopsied…and they are going to be doing stitches on me…EEEEEKKKK!!! After that and the meds they gave me to relax I am pretty sure I’m going to be out for most of the day.

On Wednesday, I have a visit at the CF clinic.

Thursday is the day we buried Bennett. The last of the “unbearables” as I like to call them. On Thursday, we SHOULD get some results from Ambry…we BETTER anyway!

So, hopefully on Friday I can call the RE and we can get on our IVF calendar.

Prayers for our hearts to make it through this very tough time are so much appreciated. Prayers for clear CF results from Ambry and prayers that we will begin our IVF calendar very soon are also greatly appreciated. We just need lots and lots of prayers right now!

Today I am going to leave you with the perfect scripture that sums up exactly how we feel about the most precious little gift God was gracious enough to bless us with…even if it was a short time.

Ephesians 1:16
“I do not cease to give thanks for you remembering you in all of my prayers”

Many Blessings,
Angie

Yesterday...

I have dreaded the last 364 days because I knew they led up to this day. The day our lives changed forever…our yesterday.

“Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as if there here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday”
“Suddenly, I’m not half the man I used to be
There’s a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly”
Yesterday by The Beatles

I hate June 12th. I hate the days leading up to it. I hate the nightmares that seem so real it feels as if I’m reliving my son’s death night after night. I hate barely feeling able to make it through the day. I hate the feeling of being suffocated by sadness.

Not every day is like this; just the ones that my heart can’t take anymore. The “anniversaries” and the holidays are obviously the worst. The days that I remember something monumental happening in Bennett’s life and the days I can recount every single detail are heartbreaking. Like today…

I know exactly what I was doing two years ago today. I can tell you minute by minute what I did that day. My day today will tick by minute by minute. The minute I called to check on Bennett, the minute we made the dreadful decision to take Ellie to the pool, the minute we came home and I started cooking lunch, the minute my phone rang, the minute we scrambled to find clothes and a sitter for Ellie and got in our car to race up to the hospital, the minute the doctor came out with tear stained eyes, the minute I saw my baby boy, the minute the pastors from our church arrived, the minute we had our babies dedicated together, the minute I saw Bennett’s eyes…begging to go to his eternal home…there are so many minutes I will forever remember from that day.

I miss Bennett.
I hate that Ellie misses Bennett.
I hate that Brandon misses Bennett.
I hate it.
But, I love the reason that I hate it now. I love and cherish the six months of perfect I felt. I love the faith and optimism I had then. I love that the true me had a chance to keep a journal to show Ellie someday…I am so proud of the example of faith, belief and perseverance I set for her. Before I became the person I am today. Different. Not as light. A little lost. A little charred by the circumstances of my life. None the less, I am still grateful, and hopeful that my tomorrow will bring a new yesterday.

So, how will I spend today? Crying…as I type this…yes. Sad…as I type this…yes. Picturing my baby in my mind…yes. Giving Ellie more hugs and kisses than she cares to have…yes. Thankful, grateful, and blessed with a full heart that will forever be scarred. I will order a casket spray for Monday ~ Bennett Day and then I will take my baby girl…my biggest blessing from my Lord and enjoy her all day long. I will make dinner and spend the evening with my family. I will go to sleep and wake up and tomorrow this will all be my yesterday.

Romans 5:4
“When we are strong to take trouble, we prove that we believe. When we prove that we believe, we have hope.”

Blessings,
Angie

When life happens...

***UPDATE: The hematologist/oncologist was a great doctor. I am having a few spots removed on Tuesday that they will biopsy, but no major concern for the lump in my leg. He did say that we could try to get pregnant, but it will come with risks and daily injections...so, one more week until our Ambry results and hopefully we will be back on the IVF track! More to come...
I like to take the lemons and make my version of a mojito…just kidding! Not really though…

Today brought another visit to the doctor. First, to check a lump in my leg that needed to be checked out and for more blood work…ugh!

I absolutely lovehate having my blood drawn and now that I am taking medicine for the factor V Leiden my blood is thinner. Today the phlebotomist ended up blowing my vein which left me with a fantastically large, purple bruise in the crease of my arm. During my visit with the doctor after we rehashed my medical history he seemed very concerned that Brandon and I would try to have another baby biologically. As a matter of fact he twisted up his face and said he wouldn’t suggest getting pregnant again…nothing surprises me anymore. Biddie and Brandon said not to even worry about his opinion (I mean he is just a doctor…but, there is no ologist attached to his name) anyway, they said not to buy stock in that statement until we talked to a specialist.

Well, a specialist has been granted! On Friday (a rush appointment), I will be visiting the Sugarland Cancer Center in order to be seen by the director of hematology and oncology.

I’m not really worried. Well, I am worried, but I am not particularly scared to death. My mom on the other hand has gotten herself a little worked up about this one. One day at a time. Prayers that God has taken me down the road of infertility in order to find my CF and Factor V Leiden, so that I could be put on meds and get my body back into healthy shape. I’m telling you…this is all just a small part of the huge blessing we are about to receive.

In Ellie news…a hilarious story! I had to work a lot yesterday and that leaves Ellie with some spare time to get into things she normally wouldn’t be able to. So, I found her digging in the dishwasher for a baby bottle and nipple so that I would make her a baby milk bottle to share with her baby doll…how naughty and sweet at the same time! I also think we are moving oh so much closer to being potty trained. As soon as she wets her panties she tells me, “OOOhhhhhh, mommy I pooped it’s stinky,” and really she only peeped in them. It’s still funny! She makes my heart so happy! I could go on forever with funny little stories. Like today when she totallyfreaked out panicked in the car as I drove through a car wash at the gas station. Pure fear was the look on her face and I was stuck…I felt like such a terrible mom! To make up for that we went to ToysRUs and I let her spend a ridiculous amount of money on toys she doesn’t really need. You will be pleased to find out that I did put my foot down when it came to the hot pink Barbie Escalade ATV…I mean I do have limits!

In couch news…no I still haven’t decided on the direction the monstrosity of a couch should go in our house. We called the interior designer we had when we first moved in and she isn’t taking personal clients anymore…boo! So, now I am struck trying to find a new one. The new couch may mean a removal of the mega big entertainment center being replaced by a much smaller antique buffet table for the TV…or maybe just a new TV that we can hang on the wall…options, options, options! Now I think we are seriously considering making a big move, so maybe I should just wait to decide on the couch until we get into a new house…oh, but the couch was paid for last week!!! Oops…If I only had a little free time!

So, tomorrow marks 2 weeks since Ambry took B’s blood. I am thinking he should call and check to make sure they actually got it this time…maybe we’ll even have a little bit of news from them. I am not going to hold my breath…

So, it looks like now we will pray for great news from the specialist on Friday…I’ll update when the word is available.

Blessings,
Angie