Yesterday...

I have dreaded the last 364 days because I knew they led up to this day. The day our lives changed forever…our yesterday.

“Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as if there here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday”
“Suddenly, I’m not half the man I used to be
There’s a shadow hanging over me,
Oh, yesterday came suddenly”
Yesterday by The Beatles

I hate June 12th. I hate the days leading up to it. I hate the nightmares that seem so real it feels as if I’m reliving my son’s death night after night. I hate barely feeling able to make it through the day. I hate the feeling of being suffocated by sadness.

Not every day is like this; just the ones that my heart can’t take anymore. The “anniversaries” and the holidays are obviously the worst. The days that I remember something monumental happening in Bennett’s life and the days I can recount every single detail are heartbreaking. Like today…

I know exactly what I was doing two years ago today. I can tell you minute by minute what I did that day. My day today will tick by minute by minute. The minute I called to check on Bennett, the minute we made the dreadful decision to take Ellie to the pool, the minute we came home and I started cooking lunch, the minute my phone rang, the minute we scrambled to find clothes and a sitter for Ellie and got in our car to race up to the hospital, the minute the doctor came out with tear stained eyes, the minute I saw my baby boy, the minute the pastors from our church arrived, the minute we had our babies dedicated together, the minute I saw Bennett’s eyes…begging to go to his eternal home…there are so many minutes I will forever remember from that day.

I miss Bennett.
I hate that Ellie misses Bennett.
I hate that Brandon misses Bennett.
I hate it.
But, I love the reason that I hate it now. I love and cherish the six months of perfect I felt. I love the faith and optimism I had then. I love that the true me had a chance to keep a journal to show Ellie someday…I am so proud of the example of faith, belief and perseverance I set for her. Before I became the person I am today. Different. Not as light. A little lost. A little charred by the circumstances of my life. None the less, I am still grateful, and hopeful that my tomorrow will bring a new yesterday.

So, how will I spend today? Crying…as I type this…yes. Sad…as I type this…yes. Picturing my baby in my mind…yes. Giving Ellie more hugs and kisses than she cares to have…yes. Thankful, grateful, and blessed with a full heart that will forever be scarred. I will order a casket spray for Monday ~ Bennett Day and then I will take my baby girl…my biggest blessing from my Lord and enjoy her all day long. I will make dinner and spend the evening with my family. I will go to sleep and wake up and tomorrow this will all be my yesterday.

Romans 5:4
“When we are strong to take trouble, we prove that we believe. When we prove that we believe, we have hope.”

Blessings,
Angie