(sigh) we made it through…one more to go.

I couldn’t get out of bed this morning. I didn’t want to. Ellie was cuddled up next to me and I just couldn’t imagine anywhere else in the world I would rather be. I didn’t want 2:35 pm to come and go and then it would officially two years since we held out precious baby angel in our arms while he took his last breath.

Then I decided to get up and at least have a cup of coffee in the quiet. That turned into checking emails and then actually going running with the girls in the neighborhood. It was a good release of built up emotion.


Back at home I had to clean the kitchen, check more emails, organize our bedroom and make the bed…and then I realized that just because I needed to sit back and cry all day at every change of the hour ~ my day and my memories were not going to stop. I remembered telling Bennett it was okay to let go today (10:15am), giving Bennett his last bath (11:30am), as I watched our family one by one say goodbye to their little hero, as we gathered around for one last prayer(1:30) and then as they began to slowly unhook Bennett from his monitors and then extubate him (2:00). It was at 2:35 today that I froze. My baby had just taken his last breath and he was gone…just like that…gone. I held my baby’s lifeless body for about an hour after he was gone. I had to memorize every single part of his tiny body. I had to tell him all of those last minute things any mommy would want her baby to know. I wanted to smell his head and stare at him in the adorable outfit he was wearing. My beautiful baby had been gone for two years today at 2:35…

After that time, I had to continue to run around. Picking up Biddie, picking up the casket spray, dropping off a prescription and then coming back home to get ready for our Bennett Day celebration.

Brandon wore his baby blue shirt to work today…a tribute to his precious little man. Ellie looked absolutely beautiful in her all white with a touch of baby blue in her bow. Mommy was just put together…as much as she could be expected to be on “this” day.

The whole family gathered around Bennett’s headstone and beautiful casket spray with baby blue balloons and a message for our little man. One by one the wishes soared through the sky on their way to our beautiful Bennett on his special day. Aside from the tears falling and the birds singing it was silent as the balloons flew past us. Until…Ellie screamed out, “Here they come, Bubba. See! Here they come. The balloons are going to Heaven!” That pretty much got the whole crew crying! Then my mom yells out...”Wait…the date is wrong!” What? I couldn’t even imagine what she was talking about…what date? OH NO!!! THE DATE WAS WRONG ON MY BABY’S HEADSTONE! So, here we are with another mountain to climb…the “we’re going to be buying another headstone” mountain because we proofed the headstone with the wrong date on it!

I guess that kind of gives you an idea of how out of it we are these days! Who messes the dates up on their child’s headstone? Apparently, we do! January…June…HUGE difference!

The graveside family get together was beautiful. I love making Bennett’s place look beautiful with fresh white and blue flowers…it was breathtaking.

Dinner followed at Benihana with the crazy atmosphere that most of our family get together times have. We were super blessed to have Ms. Candy and Rhys join us and I loved every minute of that little man! He is so awesome (and so is Ms. Candy by the way) and dinner wouldn’t have been the same with out them.

Tomorrow and Wednesday will be spent much like they were two years ago. BUSY! I have a visit with the doctor tomorrow to have my spots cut out and biopsied…and they are going to be doing stitches on me…EEEEEKKKK!!! After that and the meds they gave me to relax I am pretty sure I’m going to be out for most of the day.

On Wednesday, I have a visit at the CF clinic.

Thursday is the day we buried Bennett. The last of the “unbearables” as I like to call them. On Thursday, we SHOULD get some results from Ambry…we BETTER anyway!

So, hopefully on Friday I can call the RE and we can get on our IVF calendar.

Prayers for our hearts to make it through this very tough time are so much appreciated. Prayers for clear CF results from Ambry and prayers that we will begin our IVF calendar very soon are also greatly appreciated. We just need lots and lots of prayers right now!

Today I am going to leave you with the perfect scripture that sums up exactly how we feel about the most precious little gift God was gracious enough to bless us with…even if it was a short time.

Ephesians 1:16
“I do not cease to give thanks for you remembering you in all of my prayers”

Many Blessings,
Angie