I wish...

I wish I had a different post to write tonight.

I wish I were on top of the world and writing about the double yolk egg I cracked open this morning.

I wish I had been able to sleep in this morning rather than getting up at 6am to finish work that I put off until the last minute.

I wish that my FEV1 hadn’t dropped 7% since my last visit to the CF clinic (My cystas out there will be able to tell me if that is common)

I wish I was healthy and in shape.

I wish I didn’t have to depend on one hours worth of treatments AM and PM to hopefully get my FEV1 back up to where it was. (Not complaining b/c I know many CFers do a ton more than me…it just made this a very real disease for me today…but, I am grateful that I have meds to take that can help me…just had to clarify that)

I wish I didn’t pay $12 for valet parking today.

I wish it would rain.

I wish I wasn’t alone at the doctor when they gave me Brandon’s Ambry results…he has a very rare CF mutation. (p.s686Y…Any Cystas know someone with it?)

I wish I wasn’t crying as I typed this.

I wish I hadn’t broken down into uncontrollable sobbing when she handed me the results…I hate feeling so vulnerable and weak.

I wish my doctor didn’t tell me, “Adoption is probably a better option”

I wish I could do something to get our lives out of this downward spiral they seem to be in.

I wish I had the answer as to what we should do next.

I wish adoption was going to be easy.

I just wish I could make a difference… I wish I could trust the faith I have had about our journey…but, I am questioning it. Are we making the best decisions for our family and my health? Should we risk trying to reharvest embryos and have them pre-genetically tested at Day 3? Will anyone ever choose us to adopt, love and raise their baby?

There are huge risks…but, without risk you have no reward.

Today was heartbreaking.

I have been praying and praying about these results and I was just positive they would be favorable. Heartbroken and speechless; that is what I am tonight.

I do have a little bit of good news…it’s random, but it’s good and I’m up for looking for the silver lining in every day:
I LOVE the new scentport I got from Bath and Body works…it makes my whole house smell yummy!
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the new Tahoe I got last week. You see, the central computer system in my Armada had a huge glitch in it and would just shut my car down randomly when I put on the brakes. Last week it happened on the frontage road of Beltway 8 and that was the last straw.
I LOVE it when Ellie tells me, “We’re best friend’s mommy!” That melts my heart!!!