Healing Rain

I love music. I am not, however, musically inclined. I don’t play an instrument and I can’t carry a tune…unless, of course I am in my car with the radio turned up way too loud.

I love how music is poetic.

I love how music is relatable.

I love how music is expressive.

I love how music is open to interpretation.

I love to infer the meaning of a song based on its words and to imagine what provoked the author to write such words.

Today, THAT song was one by Michael W. Smith: Healing Rain

I was driving down the freeway, humming a song that I have heard a dozen times probably. It wasn’t until I started to sing the actual words that the enormity of the meaning hit me.

“Healing rain, it comes with fire
So, let it fall and take us higher
Healing rain, I'm not afraid
To be washed in Heaven's rain
To be washed in Heaven's rain...
Healing rain is falling down
Healing rain is falling down
I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid...!”

Healing rain…I can’t explain what that is for me. I know that the last three years have been filled with floods. I have grown closer to my faith and to our Lord with every storm we have encountered on this journey. As strange as it sounds, what followed our nightmare has been healing rain.

Bennett and Ellie were healing rain.

Bennett’s CF carrier diagnosis was healing rain.

Diagnosis of my CF was healing rain.

PGD was healing rain.

IVF is healing rain.

Healing rain…I’m not afraid…I’m not afraid!

I wish these black words on this white screen could explain the peace I feel when I sing the words of that song. I can’t even begin to get the right words written to explain it. All of the “struggles” we have been through in the last three years haven’t been a burden; they are all part of the healing our faith brings to us. Today…with that song…I had a moment. One of the best “ta-da” moments to date. To realize that I am not afraid of what is happening is such a relief to me. It makes my heart feel light. To realize that all of our burdens and struggles are all part of the healing rain…is huge.

I have tried to understand the peace I feel about our IVF this time. I have tried to explain it to friends as they looked at me with twisted looks on their faces. Three words: I’m not afraid.
I feel free by this realization. I feel renewed by the words of that song because they put all of my jumbled thoughts into a simple phrase…I’m not afraid.
Am I bold enough to say that I’m not afraid of everything/anything that will ever happen to us in the future…NO WAY! Am I grateful that I felt God’s word from the lyrics of that song and that I could relate it to our IVF process and the grief I still feel…YES!

Today was a big day.

Today is Bennett Day. Today was the 27th “death-aversary” of our precious little boy. Today meant white balloons and white flowers. Today meant it was time to put out a tiny pumpkin on our little boy’s headstone to make him a part of our Fall preparations…healing rain.

It was beautiful outside at about 80 degrees, low humidity and overcast. It was like a real Fall day…which we don’t get often in Houston.

There are pumpkins and fall flowers everywhere and the change of seasons often brings very surreal thoughts and very emotional feelings for me. I was pregnant with Bennett and Ellie in the Fall three years ago…the best 7 months of my entire life! So, it was an emotional day. The change of the weather and the day itself brought so many feelings to a head…healing rain.

We are chugging right along with the IVF process. I have another week of Lupron before we add Follistim and Menopur to the menu followed by various antibiotics, steroids and progesterone. I was very relieved when the last batch of meds was ordered and shipped. We are really doing this! HEALING RAIN!

My tummy has taken a beating and it looks like a tie-die shirt gone wrong! Various shades of red, purple, brown and yellow from the bruising of the injection sites…what a site! I keep asking Brandon what we are going to do when we are up to 5 shots per night…I am pretty sure my stomach won’t hold up and we are going to have to start using a thigh at that point. YIKES! Nonetheless, I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for us at the end of this journey. All a part of this storm that is bringing with it… healing rain.

I lost a lot of sleep a few nights in a row about the meds and what they are doing to my body. I have a terrible metabolism and I have always struggled with my weight…which is a very sensitive subject for me. I knew that the minute I started the meds my body would start storing fat like I was preparing for hibernation. To combat the anxiety…and the extra pounds that were just dying to take refuge in my thighs, we started biking. We got a bike trailer (a.k.a The Chariot) for Ellie and B and I are using the bikes we bought 6 years ago…that STILL have tread on the tires!!! We have gone 10 miles a day for the last three days and it is awesome! We took a break today to visit the cemetery, but we will be back on track tomorrow.

Today needed to be written about and sometimes it is tough to write about things that are so personal to me. I teeter back and forth about whether or not it would be better to just keep a personal written journal, but this is what it is and if nothing else, Ellie will have a great story to read when she is old enough! I continue to thank all of you…I know that our faith and prayers are only a small reason we feel so comforted during this journey. Your continuing thoughts and prayers are an amazing display of God’s grace.

I came across this scripture while I was reading a blog today and it touched me…
"Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good...to Him who alone does great wonders, His love endures forever."
Psalm 136:1, 4

Blessings,
Angie