So, here it is…

So, here it is…I’m angry about the whole “having to take my blog to readers only.” This is MY blog where I share MY thoughts and MY feelings and the things going on in MY family’s life that we need prayer for. This was started to raise awareness for Team Chunky Monkey and to chronicle the lives of our precious little miracles. This is not a place I ever intended to become a stalking ground or a place for others to gather gossip about our lives. This blog contains some of the most personal feelings from the bottom of my heart and it is MY place to come and get them out. I am not one to sit and talk to you about everything, but for some reason I can write about it. I felt robbed of that when I had to make this blog more of a job rather than a form of therapy for me. Not to mention my poor husband couldn’t even log on!

I am well aware that this is the world wide web and anyone is capable of popping in for a personal view of our life. We encourage visitors that are moved by our story to stop and read. I have met some wonderful, lifelong friends through this blog. All I ask is if we don’t know each other and our story has touched you, please leave me a comment…chances are your story will touch my heart too.

It sounds strange…I know. I love the feeling I get when I have cleared my heart after a post. However, I hate feeling like the “intruders” of the world will somehow have access to our life at the same time.

With that said, I am going to open our blog back up. Our family is going through some very tough times and the power of prayer is amazing and uplifting at times like this. Also, I hate feeling as though friends and family members that don’t live near by can’t be a part of our lives. So, here it goes…

Our life is as crazy as ever! After creating a chart of our options and carefully considering the pros, cons and financial burdens of each…we have made a commitment to a decision. We are going to try IVF one more time using Pre-Genetic Diagnosis. As of today we are waiting to hear from the Doctor at the genetic institute that we will have a phone consult with. From there Genesis Genetics will build personal DNA polls for Brandon and me using cheek swabs from us and our families. In a matter of weeks they will take a single cell from (hopefully, our embryos we have left…we need major prayers for this to happen) each embryo and compare it to the DNA polls they created for us. Every embryo that contains 2 CF mutations will be out of the running…so to speak. If we can’t use our remaining embryos we will have to harvest a fresh bunch and to try PGD with. This will be the end of medical intervention for us. Financially and emotionally I just don’t think we could do it anymore.

So, being the proactive person that I am…we have started researching adoption agencies. There is one front runner…but, we will cross that bridge IF we get there.

This is a scary time for me. I am a nervous wreck about if this is the right decision for us to make. If I listen to my heart I know we are doing the right thing. However, if I listen to my head…I wonder. Our odds are like taking a lump sum of money and betting it all at the roulette wheel…on one number! At least in Vegas we would be getting complimentary drinks as we handed the money over! All I can do after today is pray that this huge financial risk will be worth it in the end when we are a complete family of 4…or 5… I have started a “bow baby” fund and all of the income my company brings in goes straight to our baby fund! So, let me know if you have any special orders!!!

Just as all of this is happening in our lives our church is making some changes too. B and I have been members of our church for about three years. We rarely miss church on Sunday’s, but we haven’t been as active in extra activities as we would like. B has led Sunday school a few times and LOVED it, but I can’t do MOPS b/c of the health risks to Ellie. Anyway, there were two VERY, VERY special pastors at our church that really made it feel like home to us…and they are leaving. I’m told that this happens a lot in churches, but this is our first time to experience this “loss.” Donnie and Dave were such an important part of our lives because they were there for us in the last days of Bennett’s life. Dave dedicated Bennett and Ellie together in Bennett’s hospital room…and that was a day B and I had dreamed of. Donny was there to read the last prayer the day we took Bennett off of life support and they were both there the day we laid our little boy to rest. It is heartbreaking to me that the links to our past that gave us so much faith and strength and prayer are gone now. I think this is taking such a toll on me because I have had such a hard time lately dealing with B’s diagnosis as a CF carrier.

After all that we have been through in the last few years I have held it together surprisingly well…I think at least! It wasn’t until B’s diagnosis that I really started to unravel.
Questioning why I had felt so “led” by my faith for so long only to have it lead me into this…
Questioning if it was really my faith that was leading me…or if it was really my head telling me what it wanted to do.
Questioning everything we have done in the last few years.

Through everything…infertility, premature babies, infant death, and CF diagnosis I had never questioned God before. I just knew we would keep traveling the path He created for us and it would lead us to where we should be. In my heart I knew that was with more children. However, with B’s diagnosis that all changed. For the first time after all of that I questioned God. I’m not proud of that…but, I am honest about it. For the first time my heart felt completely broken and “unled.” It scared me to death to think that He wasn’t the one guiding me, but I was alone. I had a long talk with B about this and about how it was the fear of questioning God that I was so broken about. The next morning at church I realized that my moment of weakness and questioning was just that…a moment. I have been near tears twice in church due to a sermon. The first time was a few weeks after Bennett’s death and everything from the music to the message felt as if they were sent from God to me. Three weeks ago I had the same feeling. A few hours after my confessions to my husband, God made it clear I wasn’t alone. Not in a “sign,” but in a message from our pastor. While wrapping up a sermon he offered a personal story. It was about his decision to come to Texas to start our church and how he struggled with what was right. After going back and forth with what he was “supposed” to do and what was right for his family and for him he knew. There was no sign from God that fell out of the sky and nothing was written on a billboard as he drove down the road…but, it was simply a conviction he felt in his heart. As the words came out of his mouth I got chills. I actually sat straight up in my chair and looked at Brandon and said, “Oh, thank God!” OUTLOUD! God placed a conviction in his heart that led him to Texas to start this wonderful church…that is huge now!

A conviction. I knew right then and there that my heart was being led by my Lord and that all along I had been doing exactly what He wanted me to do. It was a beautiful, relieving moment for me. I knew that from there I was going to let my heart along with my faith lead us and I think it was that day that our decision became clear to us.

So, here we are. Not without fear and question about our future, but with a little peace in our hearts as we take this leap of faith.

Thank you for understanding our fears and concerns about our blog and thank you for all of your continued support and prayers. We are excited to FINALLY be starting on our journey to add to our family and we can’t wait to have you along for the ride!

Blessings,
Angie

I'm ready to go Mom! (she didn't go in public like this!!!)

Happy Father's Day Daddy!

Hop...hop...hopping at Ayden's 1st birthday party.

Playing waterguns with Nurse Kaitlin.

I love my horse purse Great Aunt Jackie!!!

Thanks for my "Happy Summer 2009" gift box Great Aunt Jackie!

Ellie LOVED opening her surprise that came in the mail just for her!