He is still gone…

Today is June 15, 2011.

Today is the day our world stopped turning 4 years ago.

Today is the day we gathered as a family, bathed, prayed, and held our perfect little hero, Bennett, in our arms as he took his last breath.

Today can never come…or go…without anxiety and tears.

The timeline is forever in my mind.  The outfit I wore still hangs in my closet.  The music that we played in the car…Lamb of God…still plays in my head.  The matching outfits that Ellie and Bennett wore that day are still neatly packed together.  The grief, four years later, is still as painful as it was that day.

 

Our son died.

Those three words still shatter my heart into a million pieces.

 

But, I haven’t spent these last four years feeling pity or constantly asking God, “Why us”?

I have had a lot of moments where I did wonder why…but, I am thankful that one of many blessings that came out of Bennett’s life and death would be my walk with God. (and knowing that I married the absolute right man to go through this life with!)

It is so easy to find yourself clinging to faith when times are tough or in times of need. 

Around the time of Bennett’s death, when the “needing God to perform a miracle” was over is actually the time I found myself hearing and feeling Him more. 

The tears and grief are just human. 

Time passing doesn’t mean we should feel less grief or more healing.  The growing and believing that none of this was a mistake is what matters the most to me.

So, today even when tears fall and we might find it hard to breathe, our world won’t stop.  The grocery store will happen.  Ballet will happen.  And placing the casket spray above our little boy’s body will happen.  The balloons will go up and we will all go to dinner.  And tomorrow this will all be our yesterday…again.

 

We love you and we miss you, Bennett David, and we can’t wait to hold you again one day.

I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers.

Ephesians 1:16

Blessings,

Angie