Overwhelmed...overly tired and overly stressed!

I am going to preface this blog with the fact that I have had a tough two days. It might be because I have spent the last 168 hours worried about why my child still has a fever. Maybe the two trips to the hospital and two trips to the doctor in that time have me a little on edge. Or maybe it’s just that I am weak and fed up…(although you will never actually get me to admit that out loud)

Six months ago, when Brandon and I started talking about REALLY doing our IVF I thought we would be pregnant by now. This little CF diagnosis really put a hitch in my giddy up. After the diagnosis, I knew we had to wait and see what Brandon’s genetic results were. I thought we were in the clear when they discovered he wasn’t a carrier of the most common mutations. I felt like I had made some progress up the mountain of life until my appointment last week. In one short conversation with my doctor all of my confidence with the progress we had made in our fertility battle was shattered. I really don’t think it hit me until yesterday. I am still waiting…and praying…and hoping. I hate the fact that just one thing in my life can’t be easy (not a handout, but not a war either). I feel like I was born on an alternate planet…you know the one where women can’t get pregnant AT ALL. Somehow, I was transported to this “Fertile Mertile” planet to be tortured for all eternity. Some days I don’t worry about being an alien on this planet, but other days I feel like a total outcast. The last two days have obviously been outcast days.

I’m just frustrated. I am VERY frustrated as a matter of fact. Any woman who has dealt with infertility, CF, cancer (or any other disease for that matter) knows what I am talking about. The total lack of control over your body… the helpless feeling you have constantly; it would make anyone feel this way. I just feel like I need a break.

I am grateful for Ellie. I am grateful for the opportunity to have carried Bennett and Ellie even if it was cut short by three months. However, that does not fill my desire to have more children. Is it possible that God would have given me this intense maternal instinct if it was His plan to only give us one child to raise? My faith in His plan is what kept me going through the fertility treatments for YEARS. I never felt defeated. I never felt like giving up. I never complained. I just knew that it was His intention for me to keep going…I always knew deep in my heart I was doing the right thing. I had the same peaceful feeling when it came to deciding whether or not to use our frozen embryos. However, all of the road blocks are making me question myself and my faith in our decision. If you were to ask me what my heart says, I would tell you that I am supposed to keep going. That eventually we will have more children. If you were to ask me what my head is saying, I would say I don’t know.

I am overwhelmed and I need to refocus. I need to be patient. I need to have faith. I needed to vent!

News from the doctor yesterday: Ellie has a chest cold. She was still running low grade fever last night. We are still on Tylenol as needed and cough medicine every 4 hours. We had to cancel Ellie’s gymnastics lessons indefinitely and our pediatrician recommended that we avoid any such classes until around April (end of flu/RSV season). He did say that Ellie is an example of a preemie that was obviously protected by my immunities from breast milk for her first two years of life. She is now exhibiting the common “compromised preemie immune system” issues. Just when I thought we could relax a little…story of my life!

Happy Tuesday!
Angie