Pumping myself back up

Life of the party…or deflated balloon left over from the party?

I promise that one of these days our blogs will get back to fun topics and cute pictures…that day isn’t today though. I just feel like I need to get these fears out of my heart…partly to help me realize them and party to help me pray for them.

Yesterday I felt defeated. Not from the minute I got out of bed, but from the minute the phone started ringing with doctor after doctor wanting to plan, schedule and question everything from embryo and fertility to cystic fibrosis.

1. Pulmonologist calls to check on me (how awesome is that!) and see how the antibiotics are working. She said I still sounded congested, so only give the meds a few more days and if there is no change we might have to up the arsenal. She then starts talking about how she contacted the genetic counselor and they are going to call me today to set up an appointment. Also, she has Brandon’s lab slip ready for him to come and have the blood drawn for Ambry genetics. She told me that I sounded stressed about the situation…Insert breakdown here: Stressed…ya think??? Sad: b/c we probably can’t use our 5 remaining embryos. Scared: About the financial burden my medical issues have caused our family and how there is no end to them. Pure disappointment is how I feel. Basically, they (the pulmonologist and geneticist) are convinced that Bennett had CF. Not knowing exactly how your child died is a huge burden to walk through life with. With all of this CF talk it just stirs that pot of emotions up for me.
2. The geneticist called to discuss family history questions and set up a time to meet. They seem confident assuming that Brandon will be a carrier (based on a few of Bennett’s symptoms at birth and his respiratory issues that followed). At three weeks old Bennett had his first surgery for a meconium plug: Fifteen to 20 percent of newborn babies with cystic fibrosis have something called meconium ileus at birth. This means their small intestine is obstructed with meconium. Now, truthfully because Bennett was preemie he falls into a category where respiratory issues and feeding intolerance are to be expected. The fact that he was premature is what is giving me my last bit of hope that Brandon will in fact NOT be a carrier allowing us to continue another IVF round with the embryos we have. If not, even with the technology we have today it would be too risky to test our day 6 blastocysts. The recommendation thus far has been to prepare ourselves to re-harvest more eggs, fertilize them and then test them on day 2 to determine if any can be implanted. Not only is this procedure painful for my body, but the costs are astronomical. I am at a crossroads between my heart and my head. Go into debt to try a new round of IVF or regret not trying at least one more time for the rest of my life…
3. I got a call to schedule the chest CT, sinus CT and have some blood work done. This wasn’t so bad b/c I am really interested to see what the CT shows. Although, with the track record I have right now I should probably wait!!!
So, I guess this defeated feeling comes from fear. It is easy to say, “Lean on God,” and truly I do. However, I believe you have to get to that point first. It is only natural to grieve for what we wanted before we remember that this life isn’t about what we WANT at all. Then there is anger. I am so mad at the fertility doctors that allowed us to go through years of fertility treatments without performing genetic testing. Seriously…CF could have been the reason I could never get pregnant naturally, so why wasn’t that considered? Years of emotional turmoil, THOUSANDS of dollars and the DEATH OF A CHILD before anyone thought to run a stupid blood test. I am furious, but what good does it to…none, so I brush the fury aside. Here comes doubt. I doubt whether it is even a good decision for us to continue to fight the fertility battle. Truthfully, ½ of our appointments and issues come from trying to have another baby. When is it time to leave well enough alone? I had a conversation with myself yesterday:

Self told me: I will regret not at least trying one more harvesting to genetically test at day 2 and try for another baby.
I told self: ONE MORE and that is it. I know you will regret it, but there has to be a limit. I am not sure how much more of this I can take. Are you listening, Self?
Self to me: Yes, I hear you…one more. Plan for it & pray for it.
I told Self: Good…then we agree. No more tears after this…at least you can have one more chance!
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So, there you go. The decision has been made…I am preparing for worst case, but praying for a miracle. I know you will all join me in prayer and I thank you in advance for that.

So, this deflated party balloon is pumping herself up again! PUMPING…pumping…pumping!!!

Germ update: Like I said earlier, I am still congested, but I am still on the antibiotic. Ellie is still having a runny nose and just isn’t back to normal yet. She threw up 10 minutes before I left for my play on Sunday (perfect timing) and then again last night. It is weird b/c it’s only been once each time and it’s only a little bit. But, believe me, it is nasty “real” throw up! STINKY!!!

Cute side story: Ellie still sleeps with us (quit judging!!! We love it) and so when we go in her room to play she loves to get in her very cute Pottery Barn toddler bed (that is in there for decoration) and play. She tucks me in and pats my back and pretends to snore…it is so fun! So, yesterday we were both laying there and she looked up at the frame on her dresser of Bennett. Our conversation went like this:
Ellie: Hi, Bubba
Me: Hey, Ellie do you know where Bubba is?
Ellie: He’s sleeping…awwww
Me: (with chills) Is Bubba sleeping in Heaven?
Ellie: I uves you Bubba
We got great books that will help Ellie understand Heaven and why we talk about Bennett and love him even though he is not here. She has always known that as soon as we pull up at the cemetery we are there to see Bubba and any time we see a flower she has to smell it and immediately says that it is for her bubba. I don’t really know the appropriate age to teach her about Heaven, but she has always been so connected to Bennett that I figured I’ll start a little at a time and see how it goes. I am SO incredibly thankful to have Ellie…she is what makes my heart full.

Mimi is leaving for Denver tomorrow, so we are off to have a fun girl day with her. Lunch at my FAVORITE place to eat followed by a trip to Crave (a very swank cupcake bar) and then our weekly visit to the grocery store. How exciting!

Wedding update: Uncle D and Aunt K have decided on November 6, 2010 (we think). They have made a ton of decisions in a short time…not surprising! Ellie grace will be a flower girl, B is going to be a groomsman and I will be the oldest, most out of shape bridesmaid in the history of all weddings! I am considering asking to wear a color coded moomoo in lieu of the brown strapless dress K is considering. On the upside I do have over 600 days to get my bridesmaid body back…but, seriously, who am I kidding!!! I can see the pictures now…here comes the bride…and what’s that behind her…a human Hershey kiss???

Here’s to a terrific Tuesday to all of us!

Blessings,
Ang