Like a freight train…

This date rolls into our world like a freight train every single year.

June 15th 2012 will mark 5 years since we last held Bennett in our arms.

On the eve of Bennett’s Heaven Day the heartache is still as raw and heavy as it was on this day five years ago.

This is the last time I saw my son…my little boy that taught me what true strength is…my baby that grew and moved inside of me and made me a mother.  Tube and monitor free, wrapped in his prayer blanket with a picture of his twin sister watching over him.  This is what June 15th looks like to me.

The day to day of missing Bennett has become a part of our lives, but the once a year, day we held him in our arms after we took him off of life support, never gets any easier to face.

Bennett day 2009

As Ellie gets older she has started to ask some pretty serious questions about why God took Bennett back.  In fact, the other day she asked why Bennett’s daddy was God.  I never imagined we would be answering some of these questions so early.  Trying to explain to a 5 year old that God is the Father of us all is such a hard concept for them to grasp.  (basically, my explanation was WAY over her head!)

Bennett Day 2010

Although I miss Bennett every single day, I am still thankful for what this journey has given me.  I hate visiting a cemetery to put flowers on my child’s grave, but every single time I look at Ellie I am thankful to Bennett for protecting her.  I am thankful for the six months that we had to watch Bennett grow because now when I look at Cullen with his blond hair and light eyes I can see Bennett in him. 

I am thankful for the private time I had with Bennett shortly before we said good-bye.  I am reminded daily of our conversation because I told him that every time I heard birds singing I would think of him.  Wouldn’t you know we have a family of birds living in our chimney and every morning while I drink my coffee I can hear them loud and clear.

Bennett Day 2011

I am thankful that Brandon was my partner on this journey.  So many relationships fall apart after a catastrophic event like the death of a child.  I think we do a nice job of keeping communication open and maintaining a balance with our emotions (meaning I fall apart and he is strong!!)  I love that we know it’s okay to cry during Gray’s Anatomy because it seems like they are always dealing with premature babies or discontinuing life support!

I am thankful for the many pictures I have of our sweet Bennett around our home.  I love seeing my three sweet miracles in pictures.

This day will always come, but we always make it through and have each other when the sun goes down.  I miss my Bennett, but having Brandon, Ellie and Cullen makes my tomorrow bright.

Kiss your babies, kiss your husbands and don’t ever forget that this life is borrowed time, so make the most of it every single day.

 

We miss you sweet Bennett.  Thank you for watching over us until we get the chance to hold you again.

I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers.

Ephesians 1:16