So, yesterday I woke up and had a chat with B.
When I was pregnant with Bennett and Ellie, even though I had a million very serious issues, the thought of burying one of my children never crossed my mind.
Not when I hemorrhaged at 11 weeks.
Not when my water broke at 26 weeks.
Not when my babies were born 12 weeks early.
I never thought of having to bury a child until Bennett’s second emergency surgery for his suspected blockage.
Then it happened. He died. We actually buried our son.
I didn’t realize then EXACTLY how that would affect me for the rest of my life. Don’t get me wrong…I knew it had changed me, but I didn’t realize how until recently.
I am pregnant.
And I love feeling this baby boy move inside of me.
Knowing he is growing and surviving each day. Each week as we get closer to viability, without incident, is nothing short of a miracle to me.
However, the fear of having something terrible happen to our son and having to repeat our past…that fear is debilitating.
It just doesn’t seem normal to worry about burying a child…let alone another one.
It’s not that I think something terrible is going to happen. In fact, I feel good! I even feel confident…half of the time. But the reality is, I know what CAN happen.
If my body fails.
If my uterus starts to contract too soon.
If my cerclage doesn’t hold.
If the 17P doesn’t work.
If I get an infection.
Some people might say I shouldn’t worry about what COULD happen. But, I want to say to them…it DID happen to me and it has forever changed me.
I realized yesterday, only because I sat to talk it out with my husband, that the loss of Bennett has filled my life with fear. The grief was horrible and still is sometimes. But, the fear NEVER goes away and it NEVER feels less present in my life.
I was a little careless…or maybe carefree is a better way to put it, before we lost our son. I was different at any rate.
Now, I am wondering if this is what my “new normal” is.
I don’t want to give the wrong impression…I’m not afraid of everything in our lives. And I certainly don’t go through every single day fearing all of the terrible things that could happen. But, I do have fears and they are validated by my past and my present.
I decided with B yesterday that I didn’t want my fear or our fear to rob us of enjoying all of the fun parts of being pregnant.
Choosing bedding fabric.
Picking out furniture.
Buying clothes.
Deciding on a name.
I finally had to realize that if we did any of those things right now it was not going to “jinx” us. Choosing a name for our little guy, buying him clothes, monogramming the new ones Mimi bought, deciding on a nursery theme…all of those things are normal and necessary. Basically, we deserve to celebrate our little boy and I want to live like we only have 18 more weeks to get his goodies together before we bring him home.
The fear is there. I am realistic about what is possible. But, I want to be excited and giddy. I want to pretend like I don’t know what I really do know.
So, I am going to. I have ordered a few little things for him and I have monogrammed his new outfits. This is real and whatever may happen in the end is going to happen no matter what I do right now.
So, between monogramming from my bed (i’ll post a pic, b/c you won’t believe what it looks like in here!) I will be choosing fabrics and furniture and creating a registry for our shower. I’m excited about all the planning we have to do for our little man!
Cullen Spencer Kahl
How far along: 18 weeks (or 18w2d according to my Ob)
Total weight gain/loss: Up 2 pounds as of the last appointment. I went to weigh myself this morning at home and our scale is broken…seriously!
Maternity clothes: Yes - and comfy lounge clothes. I did squeeze into my non-maternity yoga clothes to sit in the sun on Friday. What a site!
Stretch marks: Left over from the twins! I hope I don’t get anymore!
Sleep: Depends. I have to take meds at 1:20am and 7:20 am and then I usually use the bathroom 4 times in between. So, yes I sleep, but not uninterrupted!
Symptoms: He’s moving and kicking! I’m also thinking he will have lots of hair after all of this heartburn I have.
Food cravings: I am still loving apple juice and anything with jalapenos on it. No meat still, but lots of veggies.
Gender: BOY!!!
I miss: I really don’t miss anything except maybe going to church with B and Ellie.
What I am looking forward to: I go to the OB tomorrow and then the peri two weeks from today. So, we get to see our little man on ultrasound pretty soon! Plus, we start the terbutaline and the contraction monitor then.
Milestones: 18 weeks!!! Today is the first week of the 5th month! That is very exciting to me!!!
Prayers: That my placenta has moved and is no longer covering the cervix. That my urine culture comes back negative for any infection tomorrow. That my cerclage is all my body needed to keep this baby growing until 36 weeks. I am praying for a big, fat baby to keep growing quickly and ahead of schedule because if this body doesn't cooperate we will need a big baby to handle the prematurity!
I can’t thank our friends enough for their continued prayers and kind words. We are half way there and we have done this together, so thank you!
Blessings,
Angie
2 comments:
You just told my story! Even with the twins I was very cautious... not telling anyone until 12 weeks pg and couldn't hide it anymore, but not because I was nervous of jinxing things. Despite having a perfect pregnancy I knew too much could happen unexpectedly in the first three months and with multiples I was even more uncertain. If something would have happened it would have been easier for me to deal with if I hadn't told half the world already. But after that we let loose and like you I never imagined not bringing both my babies home once I made it past the first trimester. I never knew the fear of losing a baby until I was 10cm dilated lying in triage at 23 weeks pg. At that point I was certain I'd not take either of my boys home. I too have held back much more this time around, because I am waiting on my body to revolt at any minute! I wish I was naive and had not a worry or doubt in my mind but we were robbed of that when we buried our babies. No it isn't fair, but in the end a healthy baby Cullen and baby Outlaw are worth it! Once you get past 24 weeks you'll breate a bit easier, and each week that passes after that will be even better still. You should definitely let yourself enjoy this (easier said than done)! Around 26 weeks I quit freaking out and now we're waiting on this bundle of joy to turn our lives upside down! Again. :o)
I love the name you picked! Can't wait to go shopping for Mr. Cullen Spencer! If you need anything at all please let me know.
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