Trust…

This post is unorganized in my head…so, I don’t expect it to be an award winner…it is what it is.

The definition of trust is a reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

Brandon and I have been dealt a difficult hand of cards when it comes to our past with the medical community and that has damaged our confidence.  We had our issues with the  OB in our first pregnancy…and then there is the issue with Bennett which is another story for another day.  Add in ALL of the medical issues I have and you can probably understand why we have trust issues with doctors and why we have so much anxiety with the current situation we are in. 

Today was not exactly what I expected it to be.  the nurse in the OB’s office yesterday was concerned about my contractions (rightfully).  I was concerned about my contractions as was our entire family. 

I expected the doctor to be as concerned as everyone else…and I was a little put off that she wasn’t. 

This post would end up painfully long if I rehashed the entire appointment.  Basically, my doctor thinks contractions are normal.  She HATES using uterine monitors because of situations like mine…they detect preterm contractions and freak patients out. 

Here is my point: If the monitors are detecting contractions…that means I am having them!  If I am having contractions at 22 weeks we have a problem. 

Not so, according to her.  Am I bleeding???  No.  My cervix checked out today and passed the test.  Good.  So, then what?  Well, according to her we just sit and wait.  She wouldn’t do the Ffn test today because she believes it’s too early.  She is the same doctor that told me to wait until my 19th week of pregnancy to start the 17P injections…it is COMMON knowledge that you start 17P at 16 weeks if you have a history like mine.  We had to go around her and ask the peri for the 17P and he was happy to let me start right at 16 weeks.  Ffn is made to be started AS EARLY as 22 weeks.  Her argument today was that it is so early at 22 weeks that we could get a false positive b/c your body naturally makes Ffn up until the early 20 weeks in pregnancy.  So, once again I was knee deep in a battle with her about dates.  I’m tired…so, she won.  I gave up.  Am I happy about that?  No, I am ashamed that I didn’t have the guts to just say, “It’s my body…do it!” 

But, like I said…I’m tired. 

She is a doctor, so at what point do I just convince myself to TRUST her?

She should know what she is doing, so why shouldn’t I just back and let her do what I am paying her to do and feel confident?

I have a good reason…our past.  Period.

We have been burned badly.  We have been let down by the people who had our lives and our children’s lives in their hands.  How do you come back from that?  When do you decide to put your faith in someone else again?  When do you leave your child’s life in the hands of someone else?

It is a lot to have to process in the middle of everything else we are going through.  B and I had a great talk in the car afterward and I know I have to work on trust.  I know that at some point I am going to have to trust the decisions our doctors are making…even if their beliefs are different from mine. 

Trust is just a difficult concept for me because it means not being in control.  If I am in control and something goes wrong I only have myself to blame and there is no regret to live with in the end.  And to be honest…B and I live with a lot of regret about our past medical decisions.  We are in a vicious battle and it all comes down to letting go.

So, I am trusting in my doctor and we are going to sit and wait for our next appointment in two weeks to do the Ffn.  At that point we will know if I am in danger of delivering Cullen.  (and at that point we also see the peri)

Most importantly, I am trusting in God.  It is because of Him that we are here right now and it is only Him that will get us to where He wants to be.  No amount or lack of control and not one doctor or medicine can do that all alone. 

That’s the plan!  Bed rest, pump, monitor and lots of prayers are also a part of the plan!!  Oh, and willing these contractions away…hopefully!

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
Proverbs 3:5

Blessings,

Angie