Things are changing…

and I HATE change!

Our appointment on Thursday didn’t turn out exactly the way we thought it would. 

The trip started off nicely.  B stopped at Star.bucks, so I could get a decaf coffee to enjoy on the ride down.  We joked around and decided that we were going to treat ourselves to a dinner out.  Actually eat out at a restaurant!!!  We decided on McCormick & Schmick’s and I could already taste the flourless chocolate cake in my mouth! 

After waiting an hour and a half (which flew by with the company of my hubby) Dr. K finally arrived.  The beginning of the visit was pretty routine.  He took Cullen’s measurements and here is where our BIG guy stands:

3.3 pounds

10 days ahead of schedule

69% for his gestation

and “very long”

Then he went in for a cervical check.  I am down to 3.0 CM.  If you will recall, I previously blogged that anything above 3 CM is considered normal.  That is not where our concern lies.  The issue is that in a matter of 2 weeks I have shortened from 3.7 to 3.0…not good news at all.  Dr. K then said, “I am guessing you have 4-6 more weeks at best.”

My heart stopped at that moment.

Why? 

Because I am a mom and I feel like I am letting my child down once again.

No, not intentionally.  But, my body is a piece of trash and I made the conscious decision to get pregnant again and here we are faced with another premature delivery, another NICU stay and all of the possible issues that go along with it.

I am allowed to grieve the fact that I will NEVER know what it is like to be wheeled out of the hospital with my baby safe in MY arms and I will be leaving my son in the same hospital that his brother died in.  It is not ideal and I am allowed to be scared to death…and I am.

All of the horrible memories of Bennett’s struggle for survival and death came flooding back.

Do I expect for Cullen to be in the same situation as Bennett?  No!  But, if I have learned anything on my journey it is that we have no guarantees in life. 

By delivering Cullen so early we have no guarantees that:

he will not have IVH’s

he will not be intubated

he will not have to have PDA surgery

he will not have ROP

he will not have complications from feeds due to CF

he will not have PICC lines, IV’s or feeding tubes

We have no guarantees at all and I didn’t want that for him.  He deserves the best.  Which would include the best start at life.   I am grieving because this is not what I wanted for our little boy.

However, here we are again.  My fear is ever present, but my determination will overpower it.  I will continue to fight because I would never settle for anything less than the best for any of my babies. 

I am praying every.single.day that I have at least 4 more weeks.  We have started to prepare for my hospital admittance as a family.  I have talked to Ellie and explained that mommy will probably go to live with the doctors at the hospital for a while, but she can come and visit me to watch movies and eat popcorn.  I have ordered a slew of preemie clothes because we know our BIG man will be very little when he is delivered.  Biddy and I hung all of Ellie’s clothes with matching bows and we had a mini “hair fixing” lesson.  I was really hoping to have Cullen’s room totally done before I went into the hospital, but I just don’t know if it is possible.  We are in the process of washing his clothes and blankets to take up with me, so he has them ready in the NICU.  However, there are a few things that still have to be hung, his decals for the wall  are en route as I type and his bedding is in the process of being completed.  The breast pump is here and B is going to sanitize it and bag it up.  Our hospital bags have been packed for weeks, so we are good there!

All in all, I think we are as well prepared as we can be this time around.  Mentally at least…emotionally, I am still working on things. 

I am not ignorant to the fact that things could be a whole lot worse.  I know that a lot of this might sound selfish.  However, until you have traveled the road we have traveled it would be very hard to understand where we are coming from.  I NEVER WANTED to see one of my babies hooked up to machines ever again.  We will be facing all of our fears once again when Cullen is admitted to the NICU.  We have demons…and unfortunately we will have to face them again.

However, in the end we will have a beautiful new baby boy.  Our family will be complete and eventually we will all be at home living a normal life together. God chose this as our path and from experience I know He will give us the strength we need to make it through.  This truth is what keeps me going. 

So do not fear, for I am with you; 
do not be dismayed, for I am your God. 
I will strengthen you and help you; 
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:10

Blessings,

Angie

 

Shaving cream party!

 

Fun times with the water hose!