Flashbacks and Dreams

I follow a few blogs. Preemie parents, CF patients and a very few friends I have made along the way.

In my “spare time” today a prayer request caught my eye…for Kayleigh. As I read the most recent post I felt chills up my spine…and then the words brain dead met my eyes and the tears began to fall.

Flashback to June 12, 2007 a little past 1:00 in the afternoon:
Our phone rings and it is one of Bennett’s Neonatologists…he tells me to get to the hospital as soon as possible because something has happened to Bennett and they are going to try to keep him alive until we can get there. Panic…fear…heartbreak…anger…sadness…these are the feelings that were rushing through my mind.

Upon arriving at the hospital we are told we can not enter the NICU just yet…they are still getting Bennett ready for us to see him. He was alive, but there were concerns. We were hopeful, grateful, relieved, and anxious. When we got into Bennett’s room we just knew…

Our little boy was gone. His body was there, but the soul and life that he usually had in his eyes was gone. His body made involuntary movements every now and then. His eyes would focus on us and then begin to move left to right like he was looking for something and so the neurologist was called in for an EEG.

On June 13th the EEG was run and on June 14th we were told that Bennett had a flat reading…he was brain dead. Typing those words takes my breath away. Brain dead…after fighting for his life for 6 months my little boy suffered from an unexplainable accident that resulted in a severe brain injury.

We knew that we didn’t want Bennett to live his life like that…never able to really experience life. Unfortunately, the state of Texas doesn’t really give you any choice as far as decision making is concerned unless your child is diagnosed as having no quality of life. Bennett was classified as having “No Quality of Life” and on June 14th we made the decision to take him off of life support the following day. On June 15th, after three days of praying for a miracle, Brandon and I passed Bennett back and forth until he took his last breath in his daddy's arms.

Fast forward to today and the words I read on little Kayleigh’s blog. I ache for her family. I ache because I know the hope and fear that her parents are feeling. Knowing that their daughter has defied the odds for the last 9 months, and praying that she has one last fight in her. Praying that the doctors will figure out a way to help her or a reason for what has happened. Praying that God will grant them one last miracle.

I have fallen to my knees and I have prayed that prayer. I have lived the nightmare they are living and it is heartbreaking.

There is hope that Kayleigh’s story will end differently than Bennett’s did and that is my prayer for them. However, the similarities in their stories is chilling.

Please take a minute today to say a prayer for Kayleigh and her family. I am posting a link for them on our site if you would like to follow her story.

This brings me to the dream part of my post.

I have written before about how I have terrible sleep issues since Bennett’s death. I dream frequently that he is alive and it is my job to save him…unfortunately, I am unable to do so night after night.

While I was pregnant I had frequent dreams that I was having twins (girls) and usually one of the babies would not make it… Last night was just another one of those nights. I had a dream that we had triplets ~ two girls and a little boy. I delivered all of them all prematurely and one of the girls and the little boy passed away, but we brought a little girl home with us. I don’t know how I feel about dreams like that. So real and vivid…

A lot of you have asked about Brandon’s test results and I am irritated to report that Ambry HAS NOT even processed his blood yet (4 weeks after receiving it) because of an insurance hold up. I am pretty sure that the stress of these impending results is what has sent me into this phase of nightmares and sleepless nights again. Not to mention I will be 31 in two days and it was definitely not in my plans to still be waiting to get pregnant at this age…with that said, I am very thankful that I was blessed to be a mommy even with the path we have taken.

Blessings,
Angie