Yesterday was almost impossible to get through. I felt like every where I turned there was a sign...
Like the mom that was unloading her twins (boy and girl) next to me in the parking lot…who ate at the same restaurant I did…just a few booths over. I had to make myself not stare at her perfect family…and imagine how my life was supposed to be like hers…in my eyes at least. Coincidentally, they finished eating at the same time we did and we walked out the door behind her and her beautiful babies…what a gift she was given.
We walked into the mall and I decided to buy Ellie a new bathing suit for our trip to Arizona next month (SURPRISE AUNT COURTNEY!!!!!). I chose Gymboree because I like how their suits fit Ellie. I walked in and wouldn’t you know they just came out with a huge monkey line. I had to buy the tshirt for her that said, “Daddy’s Little Monkey” on it…adorable. I find that I can’t help but to look at the little boys clothes at Gymboree. I always got Bennett’s clothes from there, Polo or Pottery barn kids…but, almost all of his outfits came from Gymboree and matched his twin sisters as much as they could. It was heart breaking to see the boys monkey clothes and not buy anything…I almost did though…there was one that I know my little man would have had on today if he were here with us. I miss him.
I appreciate your sweet comments and we are so very grateful for the gift God has given us with Bennett as our eternal angel. However, the true life grief sometimes makes it hard to see the all of the greatness, around anniversary times. I am grateful for so many aspects of our new life…especially how Ellie thinks that Bennett is just playing hide and seek with her…or when she points up to Heaven and tells me that Bennett is there…or how she sends her white balloon sailing up through the clouds and she knows it’s going to Heaven…but there is still an indescribable emptiness in my heart.
God granted my one prayer…to please just have one healthy baby in my life. I am grateful…more grateful than anyone will ever know, but now I feel selfish because I want that again. With that said, I have never and I will never take for granted one single minute I have with Ellie because this life is way too precious to not enjoy all of the perfect details.
The last few weeks have been hard and that is just the way it is when you walk in our shoes.
Today I had the pleasure of visiting one of the strongest women I have ever met. Heather is going through hell with chemo treatments at MD Anderson, but in all honesty she looked beautiful today. I felt uncomfortable because I didn’t want to intrude and wear her out, but I wanted to give her a minute to talk about her kiddos, or sewing, or anything that she wanted to talk about. I feel blessed to have met Cody and Heather and someday I know we will meet Ella and Kyler. Please continue to keep praying for this young family. I will pray for their strength and their doctor’s wisdom…and for their babies to have peace while their Mommy is here fighting so hard. You are awesome Heather!!! And, yes, Cody is awesome too!!
After my trip to the hospital I came home to hug my baby and get a minute to regroup. It was a fun afternoon of mommy working on orders and Ellie helping mommy with orders…or messing the orders up…whichever way you look at it! Daddy called pretty early to say he would be home at a reasonable time and we were all excited. About one hour later he called back and said he would be late because he was on his way to the emergency center around the corner…turns out B had basically “filleted” (his words) the entire right side of his thumb from the top of the nail down to the first bend in his thumb…disgusting! One shot to numb the area and seven stitches later my baby was on his way home. He ate, asked for something to help him sleep and he was out…and so was Elle…and here I am two hours later…watching my family snuggle together…everyone seems so content in their little area.
Update for March for Babies:
We are only $755 away from breaking our record amount raised in 2008. We can do it guys!!! We are at $3245 so far and that is unbelievable!!! However, I know we can use these last 9 days to make one last push for Team Chunky Monkey…and all of those tiny babies we need to make a difference for. We are even proposing another gift card for the person that can get the most support in these last nine days…to help TCM make a difference for another family. Every dollar counts…and we thank you for helping us with an organization so near and dear to our hearts.
One week until another year of my life is considered my past…I’m just curious to see what year 31 has in store for me…
Another cute little side story about "signs." Last week my neighbors were standing out in front of my house and we were all talking. Suddenly, one of my neighbors has bird #2 in her hair...we were all laughing, but our other neighbor friend told her it was good luck. The next week she found out she was pregnant...
Yesterday, I was at a red light looking out of my drivers side window and what do you know...a bird does #2 inches from my car door...I just laughed b/c only in my world would the bird do #2 inches away from me rather than on me...I just thought this was funny...story of my life kind of situation!
Blessings,
Angie
Getting back to normal
3 weeks ago
3 comments:
Hang in there! I will not pretend to tell you anything about what you are going through, because I haven't been through it. But, I will tell you that i'm sorry you are going through it. I pray that one day it will become less painful for you.
On another note, good for you girl! You got your x-ray. I am proud of you!
And...my confirmation word was "hedis"...almost heidis!
Found you through Heather! I knew she had told me she saw another bloggy friend while she was here, but didn't know it was you. Your faith is inspiring and I pray you are encouraged today! Nice to 'meet' you!
Ah, friend, I am there with you. Though I've only done this for 9 months I don't think it will ever go away. It is really hard to be faced with these things in public. It stops my heart for the tiniest of seconds and I lose my breath. I was at the grocery store this week with Rhys and the lady checking me out mentioned how great my sling was and how they have all these new nifty things available that weren't available when her twins were born. Isn't the twin seat in the front of the cart really cool? Yes, it is awesome, thank you for mentioning it. I stopped for literally 5 minutes the other day at Target staring at idential twin boys who were talking in their twin language. I must have looked like a dummy. I also look at coordinating twin clothes when we are shopping. I stare at the outfits we bought before the boys were born and wonder how awesome it would be to have them both wearing their clothes. They would love each other and be the best of friends. I want my "thing 1" and "thing 2" to be able to proudly wear their Dr. Seuss shirts. We are beyond blessed to have Rhys with us and have him so healthy, but a really big part of me is so selfish and wants Bentley with us too. I share your pain. You are not alone. I think somehow this makes us stronger and better people, but I haven't exactly figured that out yet. :o)
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