Advice needed...

Okay…I am pretty sure that my life is an episode of “Howie-Did-It,” so come on out Howie…SERIOUSLY…you can come out now?!.

What is going on these days? I am pretty sure I am in a funk and to be honest I am not sure how much more of this I can take. Let me recap the last few weeks:

Jan 5th: Outpatient “minor” surgery
Jan 6th: Call my doctor to be told that I have CF…no further info given
Jan 6th-Jan 12th: Research 24 hours a day about CF
Jan 12th: nightmare doctor visit to get info about CF and leave with NOTHING!
Jan 15th: It was the 19th Bennett Day…that means that my little boy has been gone for over a year and a half…truly unbelievable.
Jan 17th: Slam my car door on my leg ~ gouging a chunk of skin off of my shin…PAINFUL! Host a girl’s night at my house.
Jan 18th: Lay on the couch for most of the day b/c I am pretty sure I am getting sick
Today: Take Ellie to the doctor for a fever and runny nose to be told that she has a DOUBLE EAR INFECTION!!!!!! (This is the first time she has EVER been sick and on antibiotic)

I am strong…I know that about myself. So, when I start to feel really stressed like I do right now ~ it’s really bad. My biggest fear, from the minute I left Bennett’s tiny body in the hospital the day he died, has been something happening to Ellie. I stay at home with her because Brandon and I never wanted to leave her with anyone else out of fear that something could happen to her. I have kept her out of organized child settings because she has always been at higher risk for getting sick and not having the immunity to fight it off. I breastfed her for 2 years (gasp…it was totally NOT my original plan) because my pedi told me that her good health was probably attributed to the antibodies she was getting from the breast milk. So then, you can understand the pure fear that resonated through my body today when I checked her temp at 6am and it was over 101 degrees. My first fear was that she had contracted RSV and we would have to head straight for the hospital. So, in hindsight a double ear infection isn’t that bad. What worries me is it spreading into her lungs…the unknown scares me to death. I drove straight from the doctor to our brand new Wal-Mart to pick up her antibiotic. It is the “yummy pink bubblegum medicine” that we all took when we were kids. I got a new dropper from the pharmacist, picked up some yummy treats for my little patient and headed for home. I immediately put her meds together and sat her on the counter thinking (like a fool) that she would take them like a champ…NOT IN MY WORLD!! Next thing you know there is “yummy pink bubblegum medicine” flying everywhere and the lyrics from Beverly Hillbillies ran through my head, “And up through the ground come a bubblin' crude. Meds that is, pink gold, Amoxicillin.”

On top of everything I have not felt good for days...not really hungry, no energy and congested. I explained it to Brandon like two metal plates being pressed together on my chest and my back. Basically, just YUCKY! So, my patience level is no where near what it needs to be to take care of a sick baby; especially, a baby who refuses to take her medicine.

I decided that I probably should do a little research about how to give a temperamental toddler medicine. I did…and we tried everything short of putting her in a straight jacket and we still had more of the medicine on us than she had in her. I am at a loss. I am so scared that she is going to get worse…my biggest fear in the world. I am asking for ANY advice on how to administer her meds successfully. I am thinking of calling the doctor tomorrow if she refuses the morning dose to see if they can just give her a shot of antibiotics because she sounds terrible tonight.

I guess the silver lining about being at the end of your rope, is that you really don’t have anywhere to go but up…let’s hope that happens sooner rather than later.